Monsters of Television

“I bet that was the first time Human Target has ever trended on Twitter … those seven people were really upset about it.”

Where’s podcast 13, you ask? Well, think of it like how buildings don’t have thirteenth floors because it’s bad luck. That should distract you from the real reason: Nick got lazy and didn’t cut the last recording. When the Monsters of Television album drops, I’ll make Podcast 13 (and all the others resigned to a similar fate) the secret track for you.

Another secret track on that album? Some of the stuff that was left on the cutting room floor for this podcast. So much to talk about and so little time to do it in. FOX hacked its schedule to shreds this week, canceling just about everything, even putting House on notice for a final season. We stare down the barrel of the upfronts and tell you about what we’ll miss, what we’re looking forward to, and what we’re already cringing about. We also talk a lot of television from the past week, mostly the usual suspects. So go ahead and indulge yourself with this week’s podcast. Learn something. And try to forget about ol’ scary number thirteen.

Running time: 72 minutes

• FOX Bloodbath
  • Chicago Code: 0:00:22
  • Breaking In:0:04:33
• Chuck: 0:10:02
• Wonder Woman: 0:11:42
• Charlie’s Angels: 0:12:58
• FOX Bloodbath – Sepinwall Post: 0:15:24
• NBC PIckups: 0:17:32
• Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea: 0:18:19
• Ashton Kutcher and Two and a Half Men: 0:19:15
• S#*! My Dad Says Cancelled: 0:22:10
• ABC Pickups: 0:22:28
• Damon Wayans, Jr and Happy Endings: 0:26:11
• CW Renewals: 0:27:49
• Smallville: 0:28:15
• Ringer: 0:31:06
• Gossip Girl: 0:33:25
• Game of Thrones: 0:40:20
• The Office: 0:53:40
• Community: 0:55:41
• This Week’s Finales: 1:08:10

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“Television would lead me to believe that Miami is the worst place in the entire world.”

And television wouldn’t lie to us, would it? This week we discuss the disappointing The Walking Dead finale (in spite of Noah Emmerich’s presence), the holiday-themed episodes we watched this past week, a little CW, a little TNT, and a lot of Dexter. So hop aboard the Polar Express, mind the pterodactyl and the Christmas Attack Zones, and let’s talk it out. Or at least let us talk it out at you.

Running Time: 75 minutes

Topics: Place in the Podcast

• The Walking Dead: 0:00:27
• Gossip Girl: 0:22:08
• Life Unexpected: 0:30:14
• Holiday Episodes
  • Community: 0:33:37
  • The Office: 0:44:03
  • Glee: 0:47:55
  • Warehouse 13: 0:52:35
• The Closer/TNT Line-Up: 0:56:32
• Dexter: 1:02:10

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“Police and parents. Of course that’s your plan, Humphrey”

This week’s episode felt like an old mystery novel. Two reluctant enemies team up to solve a crime. An old foe reappears and aids in the search. Unlikely alliances are made and old ones crumble. Questions are answered, reveals are divulged, and the criminal isn’t who you think it was all along. When every conceivable cat was brought forth from the big bag of shit that is the Humphrey/van der Woodsen’s lives, it was Lily who was the enemy. And she would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids. And that dog, Serena, too.

While I still despise her, I did find myself feeling bad for Serena.  So many of her mistakes are her own, but this one (and a huge one at that) was entirely on Lily. And it’s not just Serena who got screwed over. Poor Chuck is now scrambling to save Bass Industries from being sold. Hos desperation is at maximum levels as he’s turning to Jack for aid. Season 4 is the season of unlikely alliances indeed.

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“I just hope it has nothing to do with a music box.”

Though we here at Monsters of Television might be pegged as pessimistic, sarcastic, snarky snobs, we can be positive every once in a while and we are with the upcoming season finale of The Walking Dead and the as-yet-unannounced return of Terriers. Less so for Serena on Gossip Girl and whatever the heck Chuck is doing (though let’s stop worrying about Emmy4Yvonne and jump on Timothy Dalton’s sure-bet Emmy win for this season). We also discuss auteur theory in respect to showrunners and featured episode writers (because we’re smarty-pantses), why Community might’ve felt weird and why that’s an awesome thing, and how now is the time to be watching Top Chef: All-Stars even if you’ve never watched an episode of Top Chef. Which would be a crime because of all the meals you missed them cooking. Yes. Because of the meals.

We also hint about the Terriers finale, beating around the bush as to not reveal anything to those that are waiting the absurdly long 8 days to watch it on Hulu. If that’s you, you can also drop the $1.99 at Amazon and watch it now.

Editor’s note: Noel wants to credit Kate Tripoli for planting the Firefly/The Walking Dead seed in his head. It was all her connection. He just agreed with it.

Running Time: 70 minutes

Topics: Place in the Podcast

• Walking Dead
  • Industry/”Writer Shake-Up”: 0:00:31
  • Episode: 0:10:16
  • Possible Comic Book Spoiler Alert: 0:18:52
• Terriers: 0:21:55
• Community: 0:31:48
• Gossip Girl: 0:42:18
• Chuck: 0:52:24
• Top Chef: All-Stars: 0:59:09

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“What do you say we find that bitch and get us a little frontier justice?”

I don’t think I’m the right person to review this episode. I hate Serena. Hate her. And so an episode where ALL OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS are concerned for her well being does not really work for me. I do love the show though, and this was not a bad episode, so I’ll give it a go. Brace for Serena hatred, which you should come to expect by now.

I was giving thanks for everyone hating Serena at the beginning of this episode, but alas, it didn’t last. Leave it to Serena to ruin everyone’s plans and make Thanksgiving all about her. Sure, she was tricked and drugged and kidnapped by Juliet and company, but still.

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“Goodbye, Little J. I look forward to never seeing you again.”

Was anyone, character or audience, actually glad to see the return of Jenny Humphrey? While she may not be my favorite character I was certainly excited by her return. She always managed to screw Chuck stuff up as a regular presence and so her sudden return to the Upper East Side was sure to be rife with drama.

And it was.

Blair has blamed Jenny for her series of unfortunate events lately but it seems that her worst enemy is herself. “Easy J” explores how we’re often the harbingers of our own doom, a lesson that Serena, Juliet and even Chuck would have to learn.

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“Turns out college is just high school with more expensive books.”

That is the smartest thing Serena van der Woodsen has ever said. And it’s so true too.

We have seen these characters move from high school to college and not much has changed. They’re all still petty and vindictive and selfish and wiling to walk all over one another to get what they want. They still fight over the same girls or boys, they still lie to one another, they still stab each other in the back. Nothing has changed.

Maybe that’s the point. Life doesn’t change much after high school. Sure groups of people may change and you’re setting eventually becomes a boardroom instead of a classroom, but you still deal with the same bullshit. God forbid we follow these terrible souls into the real world, I’m sure we’ll still find Serena and Blair competing with one another, Vanessa still vying for Dan’s affection, and everyone will still be sleeping with each other.

Life is just one long high school experience. Hope you guys enjoyed your time at Constance Billard, you’re gonna be stuck there for a long time. “Goodbye, Columbia” proved that much.

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“Old Chuck, new Chuck. Bad Chuck, good Chuck.”

Everyone on Gossip Girl is a horrible person.

We love to watch the fights and the breakups and the schemes but when a real person, a legitimately good person is thrown into the lions den that is the Upper East Side it becomes very clear that the characters we love really are a bunch of vicious animals. Poor Eva. All the twists and turns of the episode tried just as hard to wreck her image as Blair was. But she really was an angel. And now she’s gone, leaving nothing but destruction and heartache in her wake.

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“There is no more Chuck Bass.”

Good thing this isn’t entirely true or I would have to throw myself off the Eiffel Tower.

Chuck pulled a Serena and attempted to reinvent himself by running away from his issues. Ok, so he got shot, was rescued by a beautiful girl and attempted to start a new life with her under a fake identity. Not exactly the same as just running away but it’s close enough. After losing the only thing (person actually) he ever really loved, he turned his back on everything and everyone else. But it’s a small world after all and even after fleeing to Paris he was forced to face his problems.

Literally.

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“Cinderella did not Google Prince Charming.”

Oh la la. What a comeback.

Following the amazing finale of season 3, Gossip Girl managed to keep the momentum over the course of its summer hiatus. A lot has changed over the summer but in a way a lot has stayed the same. Old problems and relationships have come back with some very new and delicious complications.

After all they’ve been through you would think Blair and Serena would actually be best friends instead of that terrible overused term I refuse to say. The jealousy and the fighting and the cattiness should have disappeared. It did for a while. But did you really think that a summer in Paris would be drama free for these two?

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