Monsters of Television

“I have never loved, nor will I ever love, as I have loved you”

With a show as cliffhanger heavy as True Blood it can be hard to obtain the usual shock value of hanging story lines that most season finales contain. This episode proved that. Actually this episode proved a lot of things that have become very apparent in the third season of the show. Some characters obviously don’t matter anymore. Some characters just cannot have good stories. The line between intriguing and absurdity in the supernatural world is very, very thin.

True Blood has changed a lot in three years. But in many ways it’s stayed the same. Both are problematic. Many of the events of the finale are able to be applied to the problems of the characters and the series as wholes. It’s awfully meta. And far more interesting to think about than the episode (and more and more the show) itself.

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Who’d a thunk it? Fox’s Gordon Ramsay-hosted cheeseball collection of recycled reality tropes, Master Chef, is ringing more authentic than Bravo’s Top Chef. Diagnosing the trouble with Top Chef this season has been a preoccupation of mine. But now they are moving into dangerous territory—where I dislike so many of the chefs that I no longer want any of them to win. Save one. More on my horse in this race after the jump…

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Look, he's not just rich--he knows about food.

Now that we live in a Steven Slater world, perhaps I should not be so surprised by the prominent discourse of dissatisfaction on the new series, Master Chef. Yet I am surprised.  The contestants on this show act as if their very life depends upon gaining approval to continue in the competition.  Their glaring unhappiness becomes frighteningly apparent through their tears, their begging, and, yes, their spontaneous hugging of scary Chef Ramsay from Hell’s Kitchen.  Why is America so unhappy?  Or, rather, why does Master Chef depend upon a narrative of dissatisfaction to fuel its program?  More about this after the jump.

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Queen of Mediocrity--and winner?

Okay, I have finally figured it out. You see, Top Chef sucks this year on purpose. It is part of their master plot to issue a gigantic commentary on politics. No really, I mean it. This is the only explanation for all the nonsense this season. You know you want to hear more.

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Name this chef. No, really, can you name her?

Last week’s Top Chef generated some testy reviews—when it generated any reviews at all, that is. This hasn’t been the most blogged about season of Top Chef, lacking characters that can offer the intense competition of season six’s Voltaggio brothers, the lovable quirkiness of season five’s Carla, and the amusing bromance of Spike and Mark in season 4. There’s also a serious and troubling dearth of likeability—where’s the Fabio? The Richard? In essence, there’s a lack of personality—more about this after the jump. But first, let’s look at other mean things people are saying about the episode, “Room Service”…

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Jaime Weinman already kind of yawned about today’s Emmy nominations. Let me extend his yawn to a full on yawp.

She's shiny and pointless

YAWP.

While Myles has done some extensive Emmy coverage and Cory did some Emmy ballots, I’ve done nothing. And I’ve had the time. Kind of (another project has cut in on some of my time for the past month or so), but I haven’t had the motivation. Because I kind don’t care about who wins at the Emmys.

It isn’t that I’m not glad to see some folks nominated (The Friday Night Lights fans can be a little less bitter now), but it’s just, well, I’m tired of seeing everyone else who was nominated get nominated (Tony Shalhoub…again!). I’m tired of knowing who and what will win before it ever happens (Congrats, AMC (it’ll be Mad Men or Breaking Bad) and Modern Family!).

There’s mildly interesting things, like Leno getting snubbed while Conan will go on to win an Emmy (TBS is thrilled) or the debate about whether Glee is a comedy (it isn’t). But, in the long run, the Emmys tell us more about the industry than anything else, and that’s ultimately all they’re good for.

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“Dzintra loves to twirl.”

Last week’s recap was a bit more straight-up (and thankfully shorter) than the first week’s. This week will not have a lot of the snark and pithy comments that I’ve been using (maybe next week), because we need to talk a bit more about how this show is AN AMAZING marketing device for Food Network. Because it is. The competition is painfully (obviously) secondary.

I wish this was causing me to dislike the show more (this show is pretty dull), but it just drives up my fascination as I try and guess not what the contestants will make or do or say, but how everything, and I mean everything, will synergize and cross-promote around this show. Read more »

This has been a super strange season of Top Chef Masters. My assessment derives from a comparison with only one other season, so perhaps I am being unfair. But some of my pleasure with the series has abated, and after some reflection, I can pinpoint two reasons for my lessened enthusiasm.

NOTE: Kelly Choi still annoys me. She is no Padma. But she’s been consistently unsatisfying, but I’ll leave my annoyance of “Padma-lite” for another post.

Last summer, Top Chef Masters satisfied on a number of levels. First, it provided a bit of a bridge between reality programs, filling the gap between the spring and summer television seasons. It also conveyed a completely different attitude than Top Chef, regular variety.

Perhaps a metaphor will help explain. I often tell students that summer classes are terrific because the teachers, too, have a “summer attitude”—less intensity, more camaraderie. Season 1 of Top Chef Masters demonstrated this same summer attitude. Not only were the chefs deeply respectful of one another, but so too were the judges respectful of the chef contestants. Also, the fact that the chefs were there to win donations for their favorite charities contributed to the goodwill the program encouraged.

In other words, everyone was there to have some fun and do some good. Sure, ego was on the line, and some chefs exposed theirs (ahem, that’s you I’m talking about, Chiarello). But in the end, the nicest and most consistent chef won, Rick Bayless. And along the way I discovered the genius of Hubert Keller, felt the love offered by Art Smith, and suffered through/laughed with the absurd puns of judge James Oseland.

This season, however, that spirit of fun has been lacking. Ultra competitive chefs like Marcus Samuelsson and Rick Moonen contribute to this enhanced intensity. Yet I can forgive contestants being eager. For me, the judges are the greater thieves of joy. On numerous occasions, they have awarded prize-winning, esteemed chefs a score of 2 out of 5. This was unheard of last season. Instead of camaraderie, we have witnessed brutal food evaluations and shocking disrespect. Read more »

“This seemed like a better idea in rehearsal.”

I feel I should be clear up front: There’ll be no discussion who won, who should’ve won, what people were wearing, etc. It’s outside the scope of this blog. Instead, I’ll be talking about how the Oscars worked as a television event (it didn’t), one that is regularly hyped as a major audience gatherer (don’t know yet if that worked), and whether or not ABC really needs to keep airing this monstrosity (it probably should ask to keep enough time to air an episode of Desperate Housewives right after so the evening isn’t a complete waste).

Things didn’t exactly get off to rollicking start, and indicated the muddled tone the telecast would invoke throughout the night. A song-and-dance number by Neil Patrick Harris done on the pseudo-MGM superspecial set was lacking in interest or fun. As a result, I hoped for Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to come out and just knock my socks off.

Sadly, I had to remove the socks myself.

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If these be the idols we must choose from, what failed gods we have.

Flat voices. Dearth of presence. Wannabes. And the most uncomfortable performance of a song I’ve seen since an elementary school recital. These are the jokers we have to choose from. Well, you have to choose from. I can’t in good conscience waste one of my unlimited text messages to vote for one of these saps. Sure, it would cost me nothing but the inconsequential tax my SMS message would put on the T-Mobile phone system is too much to submit for some of these people. I mean, that poor kid was squeezing the life out of that microphone.

I’m not used to this show, but I’m told this isn’t typical for being this late in the competition. One contestant after another bringing a sad sack performance to the fore, trying to hit falsetti they don’t have, awkwardly moving around stage with their favorite rock stars’ moves, making me cringe the entire time between commercial breaks. Seriously, seeing another ad for Sons of Tucson was sweet, sweet relief. I love you, Sock.

And even with all the terrible, boring, and/or warbling performances, the worst part was the audience taking the time to boo the judges for honestly telling the performers how weak they were. Okay, I say judges. I mean they were booing Simon. I think, with so many seasons of Simon being the bad guy (something the guy seems to embrace), it’s easy for American Idol-watching veterans to dismiss his opinion, despite his usually being the most reasonable (if articulated with enough venom to amuse himself). But to take the effort to actually boo him in public? I really hope they had some Jerry Springer producers on the side goading them on or something because the alternative is just too sad. Maybe it’s a game by now. Maybe it’s a tradition to boo the Big Bad Simon during these performances. Not sure that makes it any less pathetic. They didn’t boo anyone for agreeing with him. And what about the judges saying, “I actually agree with Simon.” Like Simon is some curmudgeon they wheel on set with no credentials beyond the virulent elocution of outlandish opinions. They treat him like he just said, “I believe fire is magic and it scares me a lot.” Like what he’s saying is so insanely angry and off-the-wall, it needs a qualifier in order for someone to agree.

Yes, that fire bit is also The State.

I came into tonight’s episode a little late but was finally pleased to see Ellen get a crack in during this thing with Formerly Shirtless Guy. I imagine when they brought Ellen on as a judge they weren’t looking for a woman that would comment on how cute the contestants were and their viability with the “girls” voting. I figure they brought her on because she is a fan of music and has a rich history of quick-witted comedy. Instead we get a lesser, overly complimentary version of her. But maybe that’s just because she’s a nice person and doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of contestants so out of their league.

Finally, an appeal to the American public: don’t vote for these people. Do you remember a while back when Diddy had that reality show and he essentially said no one on the show had what it takes and held more auditions? Demand that. Maybe everyone in the performers’ pool had an off-day on the same night but, as it stands, I don’t want to hear any of these jerks belt out overproduced numbers for the next year and a half on the grocery store satellite radio. Demand better.