Monsters of Television

“You seem different.”

Well hello there, The Good Wife. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you all the more because this fall season, so far, in case you haven’t heard, has been kind of the pits. Sure, I kind of like Revenge (it has potential) and while I’m not really keen on what many of the new comedies have been doing with their second episodes, I’m still willing to roll with them a bit longer. But nothing has really grabbed me this season so far.

But you, you my dear, you grab me.

I’m so glad you’re back. Please don’t even leave me again. Or become awful. Mainly the latter. I don’t think I could bear it. Read more »

Maybe we asked for a little too much this week. Last go-round, I was, more or less, impressed with how the minor celebrities did as they glided and swayed across the floor or popped and hairographed. More than a couple couples showed what they have. Some of those couples showed me they didn’t have it but there were no surprises to who sucked it up: Metta World Peace was awful, Nancy Grace looked like a monster, Rob Kardashian lazed his way through the dance, and Chaz Bono, despite the judges fierce support, was stiffer than — I’m not going to make a joke about his dad.

One of them had to go and everyone hates the Lakers so Metta was an easy cut. Shemp Kardashian (against Noel’s and my prediction) lasts another week with 10 other couples. And the jive and quick-step might have been a little too much for our cast of characters to learn in a week. It was rough watching. Quick hits about their dances:

Hope Solo: Dance was fine if a little uneasy but, more importantly, are you wearing hooker gloves?

Kristin Cavallari: After saying “bring it” about 90 times during the opening, is that what you brought?

David Arquette: It’s not a good sign when Len Goodman has time to devise a way to fit a Castle promo in his response — as in he’d rather be watching it. Ouch, son.

Elizabetta Canalis: Stop leaving her to dance by herself. It’s hard to watch.

Rob Kardashian: When awkwardly sliding into the next phase of a dance, try not to make a face like you are awkwardly trying to mount your partner for back end loving.

Carson Kreesley: Here’s what’s interesting about Carson: dude can’t dance but his determination and flair probably sells well to the audience so he’ll constantly be saved by a community of soccer moms and their ilk who believe everyone deserves ice cream for trying. We all know ice cream is for winners.

Ricki Lake: Clearly, the dance was made for a daintier, maybe sluttier woman. She made the most of it and, for what it’s worth, hit everything better than anyone else. But that’s like winning a race against encephalitic puppies with three legs.

Chaz Bono: You should probably whine some more. Between his actual problems and whining so much (and, least importantly, his inability to dance), you’re looking at the next person on the chopping block. You can’t cut the transgender in the first week but you can certainly cut the old-man whiner on the second.

Chynna Phillips: Biggest disappointment of the night only because she opened huge last week. Bigger story: that post-dance interview was, like, the fakest thing I’ve ever heard. Also: she might be crazy.

Nancy Grace: WHAT. A. BABY. Dance was fine. Also: there was apparently some nipple action. I’ve never been so glad I live on the West Coast with a pre-recorded feed.

JR Martinez: This kid’s going all the way to the final two. Also: what the h does a “lindy” do?

More after the results show for the Week 2 wrap-up. Some things I’m still asking:

• Are Hope and Maks boning down? It really seems like they’re boning down. Parasocial disappointment.
• Are Courtney Cox and Billy Baldwin going to come to all these things? The Scarecrow (Kardashian’s stepdad) in the audience I understand since he doesn’t do much else other than get beaten down by the crazy that is Kardashian. But the other two seem like they have other things to do.
• Do people really like the gimmicks? Because I’ve yet to see one used that actually benefits the dance and doesn’t make it look like what’s wrong with television.

If you follow along with us at the blog, you know I enjoy a good procedural. But good procedurals are hard to do, with their own challenges (compared to the more serialized drama). You need interesting characters (as I’ve stated before here) but you also need compelling cases-of-the-week. If you don’t have the latter, the former get a little a less interesting (unless they’re really good actors and it’s one of those cases where it’s just a pleasure to watch them).

Annoyingly, Person of Interest and Prime Suspect both stumble in their pilots in compelling cases and are dragged down by uninteresting characters (though there are interesting characters in them, thank goodness). Likewise, both shows feel oddly dated. Person of Interest might’ve felt more relevant and engaging had it aired a season or two after the World Trade Center’s collapse while Prime Suspect is just a weird case of something that would’ve been big in the late 1980s or ’90s, right along NYPD Blue, but now seems a little unnecessary. Read more »

Oooh, scary small talk, Klaus. Where's your cool coin trick? I miss Elijah.

At the end of this week’s The Vampire Diaries, I turned excitedly to my partner and said, “This season is going really well, don’t you think?”  It was, of course, a rhetorical question.  There is much to like about this season, including a newly empowered and ennobled Tyler, a slightly less dumb Matt, a completely missing Bonnie, and an emphasis upon Damon and Elena (I suppose there could be fans less pleased with this, but if there are, I don’t know them).

Of course, there are aspects of season 3 that I admire less, like the tendency to get super foggy with the details of the Big Bad’s master plan.  I had to suspend my disbelief repeatedly during this episode’s scenes involving Klaus.  How do I question, thee, Big Bad–let me count the ways.  First, you are supposed to super powerful, so why have Stefan do all your killing? Have you even transitioned into a werewolf since you and Stefan set off on your dastardly buddy comedy?  Second, why can Stefan run into Elena and Damon repeatedly while wandering on a Tennessee mountain but Klaus–older and more powerful–remains oblivious?  Third, am I supposed to just accept that Klaus became a hybrid during the few minutes Elena was dead, but now that she’s back alive, no more hybrids can be made?  To go deeper into this mythological disclaimer might lead to madness, so I won’t harp on this point, but let’s just say, I have to remind myself not to ask too many questions.

Instead, I’d like to marvel at how The Vampire Diaries always manages to lessen or remove my annoyance at Elena.  She was driving me bat shit crazy this entire episode, but then, in a clever reveal at the end, I suddenly found her storyline this week way more insightful and effective.  More about that, though, after the jump…

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“Make me sparkle.”

Gah, this is, like, the worst.

Not to condemn the whole show. I’m sure the history of this show contains much more heinous crimes. I just haven’t seen them. Yeah. 13 cycles and this is my first time watching it. They cast Hope Solo. What am I supposed to do?

Instead of justifying my long-standing crush on the national team keeper like some kind of women’s soccer hipster, let’s talk about the dancing. I’m no dance expert. I own Strictly Ballroom but haven’t watched it (instead I Beavis and Butthead giggle at the title). What I know of this show is mostly anecdotal, the only actual suggestion of the show to cross my eyes is whatever cut into my Lost hour. I thought it was just a stage for minor celebrities and spotlightless dancers to hop a rung on the star ladder.

And it kind of is. But, after watching the first week (four HOURS of programming), you can color me intrigued. Although it might not be so much about the dancing as it is the format. And the women in low-cut gowns don’t hurt. Oh, and the train wrecks. Read more »

“Because we know you types are all about sincerity.”

One step forward, two steps back.

“Terrors” is one of those episodes that may have been better suited as a two-parter, especially given all the character beats it would like to address but decides not to so we can have a prison break episode that wasn’t really about a  prison break. Instead, it’s a dullard of an episode with bad writing and uninspired action that leads to it feel painfully generic.

On the upside, Amanda Waller is still The Wall and not The Rail, so I guess I should be thankful for small favors.
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“Hey, Sean Penn called. He said to dial it back.“

Busy, busy, busy.

“Biology 101” is something of a reset button as the show attempts to, in fact dial itself back from the larger, more parody/homage/theme-based episodes. I’m personally okay with this as their more high-concept episodes last season were beginning to distract or were struggling to feel consequential, both at their time of airing or in hindsight. The study group got lost a little bit, as did Greendale as an environment (Did anyone really care about anthropology, or any of their other classes?!).

So I, for one, welcome a return to a more season 1 structure. And I’m glad they went ahead and got that musical number out of the way.  Read more »

“I have to admit, it’s nice meeting someone who never knew the old me.“

This is the first hour-long pilot I’ve gotten to this season (I’m skipping The Playboy Club until the weekend), and I’m pretty okay with it. I don’t think Revenge is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s certainly not the worst either. Of the new shows I’ve watch so far, it’s easily the one I’m most willing to tune in for a second episode of.

And maybe it’s because I’ve just had a long week (and I don’t even get paid to watch this stuff, let alone write about it), but I’m feeling like I’ve been a bit overly critical of stuff, picking at flaws more than the strengths. Admittedly, it’s easy to do that with a pilot since there are often just so many flaws (pilots, by their very natures, are little ugly ducklings), so I’ll try and offer more than just a list of flaws. Read more »

“Are you sure we can’t get the meth addict back? She was really good at cleaning.”

As I suspect I’ll be saying fairly often whenever I watch a new pilot this season (especially this half of the season), I really wanted to like 2 Broke Girls more than I ultimately did. The pilot created the oft-experienced cognitive dissonance where I enjoyed the two leads immensely but the writing just forced them into corners that just weren’t that great and they’re weighed down by a number of factors, including a supporting cast of ethnic stereotypes to pass off as New York City diversity.

But unlike New Girl, where I was generally left feeling adrift in a see of stuff I just didn’t care for, 2 Broke Girl at least earns a few more episodes because of those two immensely likable leads and a shimmer of hope that the writing will improve itself. Read more »

“You can do this.”

If I hadn’t watched Breaking Bad before this episode, I would’ve started tonight. Because that’s how mind-numbingly boring the Emmys were this year. Luckily, Breaking Bad is just the thing to shake off boredom and wire you for the rest of the night, just before Monday, when you have to drag yourself to work after laying awake all night, staring at the ceiling and wondering how the hell things could get any worse for Walter White.

It turns out that they can get actually, maybe, get a little bit better for Walter White, as “Salud” puts things in motions to set up the last three episodes quite nicely (maybe a little too nicely), and gives him some nice time to bond with Walter, Jr., who has been seriously neglected this season in terms of writing and character.

Oh, and then there’s all the “HOLY SHIT” stuff at the end. Because, you know, we’ve missed that. Read more »