Monsters of Television

The real love story at the heart of TVD

Pop quiz: If The Vampire Diaries mated with Rubicon, what would they produce? World’s fastest paced show with world’s slowest paced? Would create pretty much every other show on TV. Man does this show know how to advance a plot. And taking a page from Rubicon, it seems to be developing its characters more, too. Bonus!

This week’s episode featured collateral damage—dead people, bleeding wounds, and heartbreak—all over the place. It also featured some pretty nice character development for the show’s least interesting characters. Perhaps my theory that TVD needs to kill all its bad characters to improve them missed another option—distract the bad characters (and us) from their annoyingness by making them sexy. Still pretty sure there’s no hope for Matt. But you never know with this show.

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Hard to find a male mentor around here, huh?

Quick Take: Whoa!  The Vampire Diaries has yet again proven it has some guts.  “Plan B” featured reversals of fortune, shocking twists, and a good deal of heartbreak.

In his review of TVD for The A.V. Club at the beginning of the season, Todd VanDerWerff compared TVD to Smallville, stating both are the kind of program he could watch at the beginning and end of the season only, yet still manage to keep up. I have never watched Smallville, so I can’t speak to that issue, but for TVD, I have to disagree. Sure, the “previously on” features may provide a cliff’s notes guide to the main plot points, but experiencing them in this form would remove all their shock, their impact, and their resonance. I know what some of you may be thinking…resonance?  Don’t worry–I know TVD ain’t all that deep, but it does excel at surprises—as this episode demonstrates.  TVD may not be world’s deepest show, but it is seriously competing for world’s most entertaining.

Characters were getting taken down all over the place here. Katherine is proving herself most dangerous in how she gets others to do her will—guess that shouldn’t be surprising considering her history with manipulating the Salvatore brothers. But seriously, I think she was in two scenes during this episode, yet she still managed to inflict quite a bit of damage through direct or indirect interference. By the end of the episode, Elena was crying, Stefan was crying, Jeremy was looking all determined, Caroline was crying, Mason was…well, if you want to know what all the fuss is about, come on in.

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Teach me, Uncle Mason.

Few broad comments before I get into the nitty gritty. First, I gotta say, I was kind of kidding in weeks past when I called Caroline, “Awesome Vampire Caroline” [AVC], but now I just have to make that her official name. TVD has officially proven that the best way to make a bad character better is to kill him/her. And then make him/her undead.

I know that just being supernatural doesn’t work because Bonnie sucks. She’s whiny, bitter, and boring. AVC, on the other hand, is whiny, bitter, and exciting!

Other characters deserving of such treatment? Consider the possibilities. On TVD, there’s Jeremy, obviously. But outside this show? Would becoming undead make Tara on True Blood cooler? I bet it would. What about that girl with an addiction on Rubicon? She could use a little undead action. Don’s ex on Mad Men?  Way better as a vampire–all her particularities would become evil distortions.  Alex on Grey’s Anatomy?  Dwight on The Office?  Gosh, this is a fun game. Wanna play?

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Love the scarf, Damon.

So I was out of town last week, which means this week is a SUPER SPECIAL TWO-FER!!!! That’s right, two eps of The Vampire Diaries [TVD], two reviews. Super exciting, I know.

This episode was sort of okay.  Needed more vampire Caroline (instead of “trying to be a good friend but secretly working for Katherine” Caroline).  Needed more Damon (amazing how the dude brightens a scene, despite being so dark).  Needed way less of the flashbacks of mooning teenagers in Civil War garb. But there were some good moments, to be discussed after the jump…

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Awesome Vampire Caroline

SPOILERS EVERYWHERE!  AVERT YOUR EYES!  DON’T EVEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO!

Last week I wrote that Caroline the vampire was pretty much the best thing ever. This week, however, as we are descending deeper into the rules about vampire transitioning, I am beginning to ask questions. This is a bad thing when dealing with a genre program. Suspension of disbelief works just fine until the program itself starts messing with the rules. Then, trouble starts.

Not that this episode did not offer a series of delights.  Damon, as always, was charming.  Learning that the Lockwood family might be werewolves, Damon called Mason and Tyler “Lon Chaney Sr. and Jr.” and himself “Bela Lugosi,” noting that based on his movie knowledge, “Lugosi, which is me, is totally screwed.”

My nagging questions follow after the jump.

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“In this line of work, there’s no such thing as ‘no such thing.’“

Warehouse 13 was, to me anyway, the linchpin program in the Sci-Fi Channel’s transition to Syfy. It’s perceived nerd appeal isn’t terribly high since it’s more about historical nerdery than it is about sci-fi nerdery, something probably more palatable to general audiences (yes, I’m suggesting a cable channel is aiming for a general audience, this is nothing new).

And Warehouse 13 continues this approachable and fun tone with its second season premiere, picking up right where it left off in the finale last year, but the series is entirely jumpable into, so if you haven’t seen the first season, you’ll be okay starting with this episode. Read more »

“And then you started brutalizing the spinach.”

We don’t get much of a soft intro here. We dive right in, with the contestants off to the studio. Das comments that being on the chopping block last week was horrible. Das is obviously not aware of which show he’s currently taping. So their first challenge is probably one that might’ve helped them a bit last week: talking while doing things, like preparing a meal. Way to plan ahead, producers.

So Giada gives them one of her veggie lasagna recipes and each contestant has a minute to do a particular step while talking about it before handing it off to the next person. Of course, if someone doesn’t finish their step, that means the entire flow is thrown off, and it could cause the already completed lasagna to get really cold. While a few don’t finish their steps, it doesn’t seem to really matter. Read more »

“He’s like the guardian angel of all the chefs.”

I’m going to go ahead and say it: I think The Next Food Network Star has been a massive failure for Food Network. At least in terms of creating stars.

With the start of its sixth season, the show has created one legitimate star in Guy Fieri, host of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives and Guy’s Big Bite (and, on NBC, Minute to Win It). Its other winners haven’t fared so well. The winner two seasons ago, Aaron McCargo (aka Big Daddy of Big Daddy’s House) (no, it’s not a Tyler Perry show), has done okay for himself in the network’s Saturday morning line-up, but hasn’t really broken out for the network.

The rest of its winners? Cancelled. Quit. Barely existing.

So why does the network keep putting audiences through this show? Is it so Bobby Flay can annoy me some more (and cash another paycheck (does he even work at his restaurants any longer?))? Is it so Bob Tuschman can continue to challenge Anderson Cooper for the Silver Fox of TV Award? Or is it so Susie Fogelson can…I don’t know, frown a lot?

It’s none of the reasons. Go back up to the first line. Notice the qualifying phrase? Yep, The Next Food Network Star doesn’t exist to find a star. It exists to sell audience on the idea of the network. It exists to showcase how the network goes through a(n absurd) casting process and then sell it to their advertisers. This way, even if the they don’t find someone that works (and they’ve only hit platinum blonde once), they’ve still made a buck off of all these people. Read more »

“She wanted to forget.”

Law & Order is a twisty show. Often there are red herring witnesses and suspects who do 180s at the drop of a hat. But the show will often also twist around a little too much, pull baits and switches, and bounces between ideas link a pinball. At this stage in the show’s run, it knows how to turn on a dime even if those turns feels a little unnecessary.

“The Taxman Cometh” is bogged down in these turns. It starts off as a case about an accidental overdose and turns into a case about alternative cancer treatments, tax loopholes and gay rights. Yes, that’s right. The becomes all three of those things, shifting between each of them as dictated by the plot. Read more »

“This is your lucky day kid. The big break most people only dream about. You get to write a story with Perry White.”

Smallville decided to get all philosophical on us this episode and talk a lot about purpose. We all know the Clark’s purpose is to protect the Earth, one day (although we’ll never see it on the show) as Superman. But what of our other characters? What drives them? What gives their lives meaning? “Hostage” broke down and had Lois, Chloe, and a few guest surprises reflecting on their lives and looking for direction.

Lois Lane is more than just the love of Clark Kent’s life. She is a strong, witty, inquisitive, award-winning journalist. Or at least she will be. Right now she’s unemployed and trying to figure her life out. She believes the only way to do this is to find her own way. No Clark. No Blur. So when Perry White comes back into town (last seen in “Perry”) Lois jumps at the chance to help him with his latest scoop. Perry’s hunting down Checkmate and the Red Queen. The chemistry between Durance and McKean is amazing. I definitely want to see more of this duo in the future. The two catch a glimpse of the Red Queen and track her down. During a chase Perry slips and finds himself hanging from a dangling fire escape. “Great Caesar’s ghost!” he exclaims, music to any Perry White fans ears. Lois helps Perry up and even though the Red Queen escapes, she counts it as a victory. Perry wants Lois to accompany him to Nairobi on another Checkmate lead but she says she’s fine now. She just needed to find the hero in herself, to see that she could do good on her own. Read more »