Monsters of Television

“This is a crowning achievement in madness.”

My fondness for ’80s dance and music is limited. I’ve been known to enjoy Huey Lewis, his News, and the works of Mr Phil Collins but there isn’t much I enjoy from the oversynthed, factory-made one-hit wonders that more often define the decade than the masters that rose from it, most of whom are either dead, scandalized, or have aged into crazy. I’ll let you decide which one Madonna is.

But, when I say factory-made, I don’t just mean that it has that sheen of being mechanically-reproduced. It’s also specifically-formulated to move anyone to dance that isn’t cynically-precluded to stone-face its charm. So while I wasn’t especially looking forward to ’80s Night on Dancing with the Stars, its arrival in a dance competition was inevitable and, therefore, acceptable.

What a relief it is, though, for the contestants to step up their game this week. The dances last week were so rough, so sloppy, so UGH, that people limped their way into their highest scores of the competition (I’m looking at you, Bono). But this week the people came to play and everyone showed some improvement. Mostly everyone. I’m pretty sure Carson’s not going to get any better. He’s running on adorable fumes.

Let’s go through the contestants. Showtime, Synergy! Read more »

“Hey, JC. You taking requests?”

Last season’s finale was the worst. The big ending (spoiler alert — although you’re reading a review for the beginning of season two so season one spoilers are your fault) was dumb for a lot of reasons. Personally, it was ridiculous because I’m from Atlanta so I know the CDC doesn’t look like that (it’s a boring government building near the Emory campus) and I don’t have any emotional attachment to the Cobb Energy Centre getting exploded by bad CG. Narratively, it was terrible because the ending told us nothing that we didn’t already know and really only served to thin out the cast (which, admittedly, needed to be done) and making an already bleak forecast for our heroes even bleaker. How much does hopelessness make you want to come back and watch a show?

There was a lot of industrial drama, showrunner changes, and network chicanery during the off-season and I was curious about how it would affect the show, because, frankly, it couldn’t really get much worse than how it devolved over the course of six episodes. There was a lot of promise from the beginning of using the series to explore more than just raw survival of the human spirt. Pun totally intended, there was an opportunity to flesh the situation out more, to develop characters beyond archetypes and create a different kind of dilemma that the horror movie doesn’t have time to work out. Instead, we got a six-hours-long B-movie epic.

I like being right. More than I like barbecue. More than I like watching Green Bay win. Almost as much as I love gelato. I love being right. So I wanted to tune in to The Walking Dead season two and see it slop onto the screen in a hot mess. I wanted to see the hot garbage from last season continue into this one and justify my desire not to watch it. What I found, however, is a show trying to regain its balance. And a show that may have been studying Lost in the off-season for survivor dynamics. And I really like Lost. Dang it. I really wanted this show to not be interesting. Read more »

“Take that, hyphens.”

Pro tip: don’t watch Season 3 Psych right before watching Season 6 Psych. It’ll only depress you.

That’s not to say the first episode of this season is a disappointment. It’s the Psych that you love if a little dulled by years of repetition. Shawn’s a little fatter, Juliet is a little weaker (her character is, more or less, a reaction shot to her male colleagues), and Gus doesn’t say “What” nearly enough.

But the basic pieces are still there and, dare I say, with some stakes raised. I don’t want to speculate about what’s planned for the rest of the season (since, last time I did, I predicted another “yips” story arc that amounted to nothing) but Psych has two trump cards sitting in its extra-pocketed sleeves ready to play for instant game-changers and we get a sneak peek at both of them in this episode.

I don’t want to speculate but I will. I want one or both of these things to happen. Because, unless there’s a plan for a wedding season finale, we need something else to look forward to. We’ve waited long enough. Read more »

“It was all Temple of Doom.”

It took me four weeks to realize it but this show is absurd.

Granted, I don’t have a trained eye but I do have SOME eyes (two of them) and I’m watching some of these dancers flop across the stage and all I can do is grit my teeth. I shake my head through most of these until JR or Ricki or Chynna come out. And even Chynna crapped the bed.

But the judges are willing to arbitrarily fling points at people they like. No one scores below a six. People that completely fail score above 20 (mind you Chaz was scoring mid-teens at the beginning of this competition) and the people that stumble their way through dance every week are patted on the back and told “It’s going to be okay because you try real hard.”

One of the things I noted that I liked last week was the lack of in-fighting and animosity between players. But Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono are being treated like they took bronze in a fourth-grade relay race. “You try so hard! Good job! Here’s the third highest score we’ve given all night! A for effort!” Maybe the judges could be a little more ruthless. Maybe we can stop the baby games. This isn’t Biggest Loser. Hurt some feelings.

What I’m saying is that the field for Movie Week was really soft. I mean, really soft. People limped to their highest scores of the competition. Points were tossed around so much that they had to give Ricki 10s because they had no where else to go (to be fair, she did have the best dance of the night).

With Kristin ducking out early, it seems like the judges are gaming the system by handing out points, padding the voting numbers. Shenanigans. Let it play out. Let Kristin be the cautionary tale for audience participation and do your jobs as judges: tear these people apart.

Let’s talk about these miserable performances: Read more »

Judges be crazy.

I just don’t understand the scoring for the competition in general but especially for this evening. I’m not sure why they even have paddles 1-5 because nothing scores below a six no matter how egregiously a star has crapped the bed. And Chynna Phillips crapped the bed. She looked like she was loopy on ‘ludes the whole dance and somehow STILL came away with more points than Carson, whose dance really didn’t seem all that bad.

It’s Movie Night on Dancing with the Stars which means a host of everything Len hates (and, therefore, I hate) about this show which include gimmicky openings and flashy schtick for every dance. Some did it well (JR’s Pink Panther wasn’t bad, Ricki Lake’s Psycho was great) and some were train wrecks (Flash Gordon? Really, Nancy?). I hate to say that I’ve become a dance purist by watching this show but really it’s just that any opportunity I get to roll my eyes at Nancy Grace and Rob Kardashian is one I’m going to take. Also, Rob Kardashian did me wrong with his Superman paso doble. It looked more like an old man shuffle in some places. But I’m going to assume he’ll be saved in the results show because his video shows him “working hard” and “taking this seriously.”

After a month of watching this show, I’m starting to finally see the strategy employed by not only the dancers but also by the judges to save their favorites. Call me naive but I thought the pre-dance videos were just filler to show while the stars and their partners set up for whatever heinous gimmick they wanted to perform before the dance started. Now I see that they’re almost campaign videos designed to endear themselves to the audience. I suspected that’s what Nancy Grace has been using it for but I just assumed she’s a manipulator and exaggerating for the camera comes naturally to her. The videos this week for certain contestants at the bottom of the pile (*cough* Chaz *cough*) were particularly obvious about what it wanted to do. Sure, it was more fun to have Richard Simmons play the part of Chaz’s Mickey Goldmill than it was to see him whining about everything. But this is clearly propaganda.

On top of that, the judges were just wild with their choices. Full-on bananas. They had to give Ricki Lake 10s because they had nowhere else to go with their voting after rating total crap so high. Between them rating Chynna so high despite her completely failing on the dance floor (all 7s) and Carrie Ann arbitrarily deducting points, citing that she wanted to see something more dramatic from JR after his performance last week (how can you make Pink Panther dramatic?), their scores lost validity this week. Not that I really know how much their scores factor into the no-doubt intense algorithm used to determine Night 2 power rankings anyway.

I can’t even speculate about who’s going home tonight because the scores are so skewed that nothing makes sense to me on this show. Carson seems the most likely candidate since he’s at the bottom of the scoreboard but more deserving are Nancy, Rob, or Chaz. But the judges love Rob (probably for the family bubble butt) and Chaz had Cher-Power behind him. Nancy has her deal with the devil.

“I musta saw it on House or somethin’.”

I sat still for a long time after the episode ended. Not blankly, not cursing the skies for ending this season of Breaking Bad and making me wait months and months for it to begin again. Not really any desire at all. Actually, just a furrowed brow.

Noel remarked last week that the penultimate episode was a little boring by Breaking Bad standards. The cliffhanger aspect wasn’t as demanding and reveals weren’t as gasp-worthy. That’s how I feel about this episode for the most part. Other than the ethical obstacles Walter obliterates in “Face Off,” the finale kind of tied itself into a nice bow. Okay, it’s a sloppy bow but — instead of feeling like I’m dangling off the edge of a mountainface, I kind of feel like I’m staring at the danger from a safe distance.

That’s a weird metaphor. Let me explain. Read more »

“I rest my case, Nancy Grace.”

It’s sob story week here on Dancing with the Stars and the celebrities don’t disappoint in trotting out the waterworks for everyone. From the misty eyes of the former soldier to whatever acid Nancy Grace leaks to the Kardashian family dead-behind-the-eyes stoicism, we danced all over the spectrum for an emotional evening. Well, except Kristin Cavallari who did a Beyonce impression. Oh, and Hope Solo but she had to deal with several people telling her she’s not sexy so that’s upsetting, too.

The contestants had to choose a year of their lives that was important to them and the choreographers had to create a routine for that. Unfortunately, everyone knew what year JR was going to choose so, really, whatever they planned on doing was like competing for second place. Why? Because (a) JR’s a good dancer, (b) he has a really good partner, (c) every other person there has more than half a face. Throw in some good old sad-sack country and Nancy Grace dancing to “Moon River” later is like watching kids dance at a high school social: basic dancing and the problems are for babies.

Really, if Dancing with the Stars was sports and I was at the stadium rooting for not-JR, I would be going home right now to beat traffic. This is his competition to win; everyone else is just biding their time to elimination.

Let’s break it down: Read more »

Do you think the contestants wanted to come for “fun” before or after watching JR dance?

While I know many of the dancers have been saying all along that they came for different reasons (weight loss, post-booze redemption, because Ryan O’Neal was unavailable), winning not among them, you have to assume you join a competition to win. I know the show focuses more on contestants “surviving” to dance another week, but I can’t help but take notice that more people are making sure to convince Brooke Burke and the audience that they’re just glad to be here. Glad to be on a national stage wet with the tears and sweat of our most spotlight-addicted. Well, not this physical stage. BECAUSE IT’S BRAND NEW AND SPECIAL!

Even Hope Solo, a painfully competitive athlete who talked about wanting to win before the competition, who the show put in front of the media to sell the season (ostensibly selling her as the front-runner), conceded a little bit last night. By choosing this year as the year that is most important in her life, the one where her team came in second in the World Cup and, in her words, taught her the lesson that it really is about the journey, her path in this competition is paralleled with her athletic achievements this year. Competing may not be an issue anymore. It’s more about not getting knocked out early.

And, let’s be honest, despite all the contestants bringing their A-game (at least to the judges’ overenthusiastic praise), the competition so far and this week in particular, has the odds stacked against anyone that’s not Chynna and Ricki, but particularly JR. In a week where contestants dedicate their dances to their most memorable years, who is going to compete with “Hi, how about the year I got my face blown off fighting for your country?” No one. Especially if you pick your song to be the one Fletch sings during a rectal exam. Someone should vet these things before they go on the air.

Complicating matters is that JR is a really good dancer and his partner is a really good choreographer (and they put on a clinic last night). He is the mark of the elite class in this batch (with Chynna, Ricki, and maybe Kristin) who overshadows the middle class (Hope, Rob, and maybe Arquette). Then there’re those just waiting for their inevitable early exit: Chaz and Nancy.

Of everyone left, I can only imagine that Chaz is the next to exit. Not only is he a complainer (one of those people that whines about “doing the best [they] can” when missing steps) but there’s just no way he can keep up with these other young bucks. Don’t worry, buddy. It’s a mercy killing, euthanasia really. Everyone is else just waiting for JR to eliminate them. They just don’t know it yet.

“Any connection that had with a jive was a coincidence.”

Here’s where I commend Dancing with the Stars: give the contestants three weeks to prepare for the first episode with some, more or less, basic steps (flourishes added by the dancers) to establish some confidence then hit them with a choices that basically demands these noobs spin their legs around like Snoopy at a holiday party to crush their spirits. And then they take those crushed spirits and make a montage of all the whining like American Idol has perfected with sobbing sobsters of middling talent. Beautiful.

No more limping in with a basic Viennese waltz or a stiff by-the-book cha-cha. It’s time to get serious. It’s time to get dangerous. It’s time — for hooker gloves.

Okay, really only two contestants wore hooker gloves but that’s two more than last week and, apparently, the jive and the two-step called for such a thing. Hooker gloves, pandering to the judges, and gimmicks (which I’m pretty sure Goodman told them was not his favorite thing). And lots of confused decade time warps. The whole thing was kind of a mess. Except for a couple of dances. And you already know who they are. Let’s break it down. Read more »

Maybe we asked for a little too much this week. Last go-round, I was, more or less, impressed with how the minor celebrities did as they glided and swayed across the floor or popped and hairographed. More than a couple couples showed what they have. Some of those couples showed me they didn’t have it but there were no surprises to who sucked it up: Metta World Peace was awful, Nancy Grace looked like a monster, Rob Kardashian lazed his way through the dance, and Chaz Bono, despite the judges fierce support, was stiffer than — I’m not going to make a joke about his dad.

One of them had to go and everyone hates the Lakers so Metta was an easy cut. Shemp Kardashian (against Noel’s and my prediction) lasts another week with 10 other couples. And the jive and quick-step might have been a little too much for our cast of characters to learn in a week. It was rough watching. Quick hits about their dances:

Hope Solo: Dance was fine if a little uneasy but, more importantly, are you wearing hooker gloves?

Kristin Cavallari: After saying “bring it” about 90 times during the opening, is that what you brought?

David Arquette: It’s not a good sign when Len Goodman has time to devise a way to fit a Castle promo in his response — as in he’d rather be watching it. Ouch, son.

Elizabetta Canalis: Stop leaving her to dance by herself. It’s hard to watch.

Rob Kardashian: When awkwardly sliding into the next phase of a dance, try not to make a face like you are awkwardly trying to mount your partner for back end loving.

Carson Kreesley: Here’s what’s interesting about Carson: dude can’t dance but his determination and flair probably sells well to the audience so he’ll constantly be saved by a community of soccer moms and their ilk who believe everyone deserves ice cream for trying. We all know ice cream is for winners.

Ricki Lake: Clearly, the dance was made for a daintier, maybe sluttier woman. She made the most of it and, for what it’s worth, hit everything better than anyone else. But that’s like winning a race against encephalitic puppies with three legs.

Chaz Bono: You should probably whine some more. Between his actual problems and whining so much (and, least importantly, his inability to dance), you’re looking at the next person on the chopping block. You can’t cut the transgender in the first week but you can certainly cut the old-man whiner on the second.

Chynna Phillips: Biggest disappointment of the night only because she opened huge last week. Bigger story: that post-dance interview was, like, the fakest thing I’ve ever heard. Also: she might be crazy.

Nancy Grace: WHAT. A. BABY. Dance was fine. Also: there was apparently some nipple action. I’ve never been so glad I live on the West Coast with a pre-recorded feed.

JR Martinez: This kid’s going all the way to the final two. Also: what the h does a “lindy” do?

More after the results show for the Week 2 wrap-up. Some things I’m still asking:

• Are Hope and Maks boning down? It really seems like they’re boning down. Parasocial disappointment.
• Are Courtney Cox and Billy Baldwin going to come to all these things? The Scarecrow (Kardashian’s stepdad) in the audience I understand since he doesn’t do much else other than get beaten down by the crazy that is Kardashian. But the other two seem like they have other things to do.
• Do people really like the gimmicks? Because I’ve yet to see one used that actually benefits the dance and doesn’t make it look like what’s wrong with television.