Monsters of Television

“Bear my child.”

Behold, the Jam baby.

Surrounded by the maudlin quirks of their coworkers, Jim and Pam try to wrap their heads around bringing another life into the world. This episode was filled with all the things that put the series in such a distasteful state: flat jokes, half-finished stories, and a lack of excitement. One would think the urgency of an impending baby delivery would provide loads of excitement for an episode but, somehow, this one comes off dull.

That being said, John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer were great. Jim losing his cool, becoming “frazzled,” demonstrates a vulnerable side to him that creates more depth for his character (much like what falling on his face does for Shawn Spencer in Psych) and some great business for him. When people talk about the “little moments” that make this episode, a lot of them are from Jim. Pam as the stubborn and, at times, vicious mother-to-be was inspired, especially in the transition from killer to woman insecure about the event she has no control over. Although the scene where this occurs is a little thrown together and stilted, she sells it the best she can with the limited time allowed to her.

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“Time to get into character.”

I’m not even sure how Diane Neal has any hair left.

One can say there are many themes to this show. Maybe it’s to create a new kind of buddy cop/detective story, a “bromance” (even typing the word puts a foul taste in my mouth) of sorts between past enemies learning from one another. Or it’s about the true meaning of “thick as thieves” growing beyond the criminal aspect and into the bonds all people share. Or maybe it’s all just Matt Bomer starring in sartorial and haberdashery porn. It’s all of these things. But, at the very heart of the show, White Collar is about the morality of Neal Caffrey.

This is no surprise to anyone that’s seen an episode of this ending-too-soon first season but this is the episode that most deftly negotiated the different aspects of Neal’s life: the sharp criminal mind, the heart of gold, and the gray moral ground those two things occupy.

The episode starts with an offer. Neal has been tracking down this music box for a few episodes, mercifully giving another name to his mission of rescuing Kate. For a while, he was saying the name “Kate” so much, I was pretty sure Pee Wee Herman was right and he was actually going to wear it out. Alex, another pretty brunette (the producers just are not into blondes), his spurned ex-lover/partner, has the location of the music box but won’t work with a Fed. To prove himself, he has to get rid of the anklet by the next evening. If this were any other show you might wonder, “How the heck is he going to do that?” But this is Neal so, really, you just have to wonder how it’s just going to work out in his favor. Turns out the Feds are going to do it for him.

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“I gotta stand up, beat my chest, and wreck his banana party.”

It’s a bed-head showdown!

Of all the episodes so far this season, this one felt the most like a late-90s, early-00s WB show. The stakes are unfair and immature, the lyrics of the background music intermingle at the same volume with dialogue. Lux even looks like the younger incarnation of Amy Abbot from Everwood this week. Same “I’m always on the brink of tears” face and everything.

And we see a lot of her this episode. Even though Cate and Ryan are off doing their morning show (which I assume is a Monday-Friday gig), Lux is chilling at home, mourning the loss of Bug. Apparently, a loser boyfriend skipping town is on the list of excusable absences from the school we never see this whole episode. But Cate indulges by providing Rocky Road ice cream when she gets home from work and they talk about how Cate will always be there for her. Aww. She’ll regret making that promise later.

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“Geez. This unlucky guy’s about to get double dead.”

I get it that you kids are starting something up but pull it together. At least wait until your boss stops talking to you.

Last time we met, we had a situation where people protested the ending of “Chuck vs The Mask,” insisting that the show violated the trust of the audience by separating the perpetually almost-couple Chuck and Sarah. “No! They can’t be okay that they’re apart! They love each other! Why can’t they just be together?” Good thing these kids weren’t around for Ross and Rachel (or worse, Maddie and David). Three weeks the fans waited through what NBC termed a reset (to erase the sentiment against the network for what happened in late-night) as the writers and producers did damage control. “Just wait. It’ll be worth it. Trust us.” So we waited.

The thing is, I thought giving Chuck and Sarah some time apart was a good move. Not only did it give a realistic obstacle to continue the tension but giving them someone else to devote their attentions to opened the door to new dramatic paths. So I sat down to watch “Chuck vs The Fake Name” to see what the writers would do with their new playground.

They kind of pooched it.

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“I may not be a planner, or a detail man, or a tax payer. But when push comes to shove I work and I get the job done. Now follow me back in there and let’s blow these guys’ minds. Scanners-style.”

“Check this out. Not only is it juvenile but just a tad creepy. Gum Giraffe! Ha! Like that Fruit Stripes gum. Or was that a zebra? Doesn’t matter. It fulfilled my ’80s Nostalgia Quota for this scene.”

I hate it when Shawn is in a slump.

I mean, it’s great characterization. The writers do a good job of sticking with Shawn’s quirks when he’s not as accurate and James Roday does an amazing job being the most annoying person on the planet. But it’s hard to watch Shawn try so desperately to make up for his lack of sharpness, partly with his half-hearted “visions” but mostly with his inappropriate joke-cracking. There have been several times this season where he has been all over the map (“You Can’t Handle This Episode” and, notably, “Shawn has the Yips”) but never have I wanted to walk out of the room so often out of sheer embarrassment than during this episode.

The most-offending scene is the one with the initial meeting of the think tank minds. This episode has Shawn and Gus taking jobs in private security to help protect a billionaire from suspected assassination, an opportunity Shawn leaps at despite his “powers” being restricted to clues he can pick up on in real-life scenarios. Conjecture in a sterile room puts Shawn at a serious disadvantage. So not only is he suffering from a slump threading through several episodes but he is also completely clueless without a real-life situation to be a part of. So, while the other members of the think tank bandy about ideas of how to better secure the asset, Shawn makes sculptures out of Big League Chew, tries to prove his psychic ability with simple observations about people in the room, and cracks wise to an audience not amused by his antics. When Gus suggests they should go, I yelled at the TV, “Yes. Just get out of there. It’s too painful, Shawn!” Maybe not literally. But in my head for sure. Shawn’s jokes fall way flatter when Juliet is not in the room to silently giggle.

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If these be the idols we must choose from, what failed gods we have.

Flat voices. Dearth of presence. Wannabes. And the most uncomfortable performance of a song I’ve seen since an elementary school recital. These are the jokers we have to choose from. Well, you have to choose from. I can’t in good conscience waste one of my unlimited text messages to vote for one of these saps. Sure, it would cost me nothing but the inconsequential tax my SMS message would put on the T-Mobile phone system is too much to submit for some of these people. I mean, that poor kid was squeezing the life out of that microphone.

I’m not used to this show, but I’m told this isn’t typical for being this late in the competition. One contestant after another bringing a sad sack performance to the fore, trying to hit falsetti they don’t have, awkwardly moving around stage with their favorite rock stars’ moves, making me cringe the entire time between commercial breaks. Seriously, seeing another ad for Sons of Tucson was sweet, sweet relief. I love you, Sock.

And even with all the terrible, boring, and/or warbling performances, the worst part was the audience taking the time to boo the judges for honestly telling the performers how weak they were. Okay, I say judges. I mean they were booing Simon. I think, with so many seasons of Simon being the bad guy (something the guy seems to embrace), it’s easy for American Idol-watching veterans to dismiss his opinion, despite his usually being the most reasonable (if articulated with enough venom to amuse himself). But to take the effort to actually boo him in public? I really hope they had some Jerry Springer producers on the side goading them on or something because the alternative is just too sad. Maybe it’s a game by now. Maybe it’s a tradition to boo the Big Bad Simon during these performances. Not sure that makes it any less pathetic. They didn’t boo anyone for agreeing with him. And what about the judges saying, “I actually agree with Simon.” Like Simon is some curmudgeon they wheel on set with no credentials beyond the virulent elocution of outlandish opinions. They treat him like he just said, “I believe fire is magic and it scares me a lot.” Like what he’s saying is so insanely angry and off-the-wall, it needs a qualifier in order for someone to agree.

Yes, that fire bit is also The State.

I came into tonight’s episode a little late but was finally pleased to see Ellen get a crack in during this thing with Formerly Shirtless Guy. I imagine when they brought Ellen on as a judge they weren’t looking for a woman that would comment on how cute the contestants were and their viability with the “girls” voting. I figure they brought her on because she is a fan of music and has a rich history of quick-witted comedy. Instead we get a lesser, overly complimentary version of her. But maybe that’s just because she’s a nice person and doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of contestants so out of their league.

Finally, an appeal to the American public: don’t vote for these people. Do you remember a while back when Diddy had that reality show and he essentially said no one on the show had what it takes and held more auditions? Demand that. Maybe everyone in the performers’ pool had an off-day on the same night but, as it stands, I don’t want to hear any of these jerks belt out overproduced numbers for the next year and a half on the grocery store satellite radio. Demand better.

“You never touch a cop.”

Unfortunately, this is the voice of reason on this show being ignored.

Now they’re just getting lazy with the titles. Slant rhyme? Come on.

In my earlier reviews of this show, I fretted over them burning through so much material in the first three episodes, worrying that they would hit a wall and thin out their story with cheap melodrama tricks and, eventually, one of them was going to have to be bitten by a radioactive spider. I thought this thing was heading for One Tree Hill territory any week now. But, once Lux offered Baze’s place up for a party to her school chums in “Turtle Undefeated,” a light bulb came on. This show is never going to run out of material; it has 50+ years of stuff to work with.

You see, the underlying story for each episode, beyond the character arcs and interaction, is just a manipulation of common sit-com tropes. With the wisened daughter coming into the realm of immature adults (and thus becoming slightly stupider by association), all this show has to do is break out the elements of the typical sit-com themes and apply them to different parties within the cast.

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Shawn: So you like tall men and fat animals.
Juliet: Yes. Yes, I do.

Juliet: in streets, hair down, smile, not standing behind Lassie.

At the end of Season 3, we saw Shawn get together with his high school sweetheart (Abigail: Rachael Leigh Cook) and manage an awkward situation when Juliet finally made a move (Shawn shot her down). Thus began Season 4’s inconsistent love affair with Abigail, where she showed up for a handful of episodes while Shawn mentioned her in absentia (so often in absentia that she sounds made up), as Juliet receded to a more background role with Lassie.

Despite making Abigail sound important in Shawn’s life (giving her a drawer, etc), her absence in the show was noticeable. Her phantasmic presence also prevented one of the quirky and enjoyable minor storylines from developing: the flirty relationship between Juliet and Shawn. While minorly interesting at the end of Season 3, the storyline had become weak, uninteresting, and a drain on the Shawn/Gus interaction since it was often plagued with obligatory mentions in order to maintain audience retention of the story. Something had to give. So they got rid of Abigail by randomly sending her on a trip to Africa for an indeterminate amount of time (0410: “You Can’t Handle This Episode”) and gave Shawn an episode to mourn the relationship (0411: “Thrill Seekers and Hell Raisers”) before giving us a closer look at Juliet. Are we being set up to create some Shawn/Juliet shippers?

I say yes.

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“Those two gab like little school girls when they’re out in the field. It’s murder on the ears.”

The face of doom.

What are you guys crying about?

I don’t typically delve into the dens of inequity that are the message boards and comment streams but I keep hearing about this episode being controversial, a game-changer, even ruinous of the series. Surely, these reactionists aren’t responding to the ending of this episode. They are, aren’t they? Wow. Really? Because Chuck has slept or necked with two other girls that aren’t Sarah during the course of the show, one of whom was the stated love of his life. Where were you when Bryce came back? When Cole was tempting Sarah? Careful, sweethearts. You whine like this enough and you’ll sound like — well, Chuck.

For those unaware, the ending of “Chuck vs The Mask” seemed to provide fodder for those heavily-invested in the Chuck/Sarah relationship to riot in the virtual streets at how the show is being taken irreparably off-course. TV-bloggers have spoken to the subject all day, educating me on the fanbase and the word “shippers” (a section of fandom I had not previously known). And, to be honest, I’m not exactly sure what fueled their fire.

Perhaps we should start from the beginning.

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Who knew the bong lamp would play such a large role in this series?

So we have the last three episodes out of the way and they introduced us into this world of well-adjusted kids in the foster care system, slackers who get by, and a “mess” with the best of maternal intentions. All the pieces of the storyworld are in place and, yes, they’ve bypassed several opportunities for drama in what I can only determine to be hope for bigger and better things. More or less, this is a world in stasis.

So let’s mix it up.

This is an episode about infiltration, probably a brief taste of this as a theme to, at least, the first season of this series. Each of these characters have the proverbial wall constructed around them and it is Lux’s mess that’s able to break them down, even her own firm constructions. Here, the walls aren’t so much trashed as they are just trespassed. Cate’s not-quite-honed maternal instinct leads to Lux’s friends invading and dispelling her lie. Ryan’s innocuous remarks reveal an already festering inferiority complex in Baze from which he (quietly) lashes out. And, of course, in an effort to get back at Cate, Lux, intentionally and in dramatic fashion, single-handedly puts Cate’s and Ryan’s careers in jeopardy.

Finally! Erratic behavior!

But, just when you think these walls are being torn down, slowly moving the whole group toward becoming a sobbing, angry mess, the episodes as saccharine as the first three. The things all tie together. Late-’90s, early-’00s WB-style montages wrap it all up in a fine bow. They’re all trying hard! They will all succeed! There are no stakes!

We did get to see some flashes of the banter I keep reading about. But watching this show get its legs is like watching a calf wobble to its feet (hooves?) after being born. Slow, shaky, and, despite the fact that there is a lot of opportunity for danger, doom, and the horse’s demise, you’re still watching a baby stand up. Am I a bad person hoping for the doom?