Monsters of Television

Maybe we asked for a little too much this week. Last go-round, I was, more or less, impressed with how the minor celebrities did as they glided and swayed across the floor or popped and hairographed. More than a couple couples showed what they have. Some of those couples showed me they didn’t have it but there were no surprises to who sucked it up: Metta World Peace was awful, Nancy Grace looked like a monster, Rob Kardashian lazed his way through the dance, and Chaz Bono, despite the judges fierce support, was stiffer than — I’m not going to make a joke about his dad.

One of them had to go and everyone hates the Lakers so Metta was an easy cut. Shemp Kardashian (against Noel’s and my prediction) lasts another week with 10 other couples. And the jive and quick-step might have been a little too much for our cast of characters to learn in a week. It was rough watching. Quick hits about their dances:

Hope Solo: Dance was fine if a little uneasy but, more importantly, are you wearing hooker gloves?

Kristin Cavallari: After saying “bring it” about 90 times during the opening, is that what you brought?

David Arquette: It’s not a good sign when Len Goodman has time to devise a way to fit a Castle promo in his response — as in he’d rather be watching it. Ouch, son.

Elizabetta Canalis: Stop leaving her to dance by herself. It’s hard to watch.

Rob Kardashian: When awkwardly sliding into the next phase of a dance, try not to make a face like you are awkwardly trying to mount your partner for back end loving.

Carson Kreesley: Here’s what’s interesting about Carson: dude can’t dance but his determination and flair probably sells well to the audience so he’ll constantly be saved by a community of soccer moms and their ilk who believe everyone deserves ice cream for trying. We all know ice cream is for winners.

Ricki Lake: Clearly, the dance was made for a daintier, maybe sluttier woman. She made the most of it and, for what it’s worth, hit everything better than anyone else. But that’s like winning a race against encephalitic puppies with three legs.

Chaz Bono: You should probably whine some more. Between his actual problems and whining so much (and, least importantly, his inability to dance), you’re looking at the next person on the chopping block. You can’t cut the transgender in the first week but you can certainly cut the old-man whiner on the second.

Chynna Phillips: Biggest disappointment of the night only because she opened huge last week. Bigger story: that post-dance interview was, like, the fakest thing I’ve ever heard. Also: she might be crazy.

Nancy Grace: WHAT. A. BABY. Dance was fine. Also: there was apparently some nipple action. I’ve never been so glad I live on the West Coast with a pre-recorded feed.

JR Martinez: This kid’s going all the way to the final two. Also: what the h does a “lindy” do?

More after the results show for the Week 2 wrap-up. Some things I’m still asking:

• Are Hope and Maks boning down? It really seems like they’re boning down. Parasocial disappointment.
• Are Courtney Cox and Billy Baldwin going to come to all these things? The Scarecrow (Kardashian’s stepdad) in the audience I understand since he doesn’t do much else other than get beaten down by the crazy that is Kardashian. But the other two seem like they have other things to do.
• Do people really like the gimmicks? Because I’ve yet to see one used that actually benefits the dance and doesn’t make it look like what’s wrong with television.