Monsters of Television

“Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany.”

Everything is broken indeed.

As Russell ‘s plans continue to move forward, with more rage now due to the murder of his beloved Talbot, things aren’t looking so great for a whole lot of people. Even those in story lines only vaguely (or not at all) connected to the overall “Russell’s bid for ultimate power and dominance over humans” aren’t having such a good time right now. Makes sense. With only three episodes left in the season things have got to get even worse for our characters before they can get better. But do they ever really get better? Bon Temps is kind of a shitty place to live what with all the drug trafficking, evil orgies, murder and the like occurring on a regular basis.

But it makes for good TV. And in the end that’s all that matters.

Let’s start with Jessica. While not major arc relevant by any means, there is some movement in the saga of Jessica and Hoyt. Since I love Jessica I’m going to start there and since I’m the one writing this my word is law. Now that that’s settled: Hoyt and his new floozy girlfriend Summer (so that’s where Bernadette has been since her disappearance from The Big Bang Theory) show up yet again at Merlotte’s. After a small argument Hoyt still tries to get the two to be friends but Jess can’t handle it and breaks down and runs off. Bad move, Hoyt. Trying to get the current girlfriend and the ex to get along doesn’t usually work out. Better to just leave it alone.

But a glimmer of hope for the (let’s be honest) show’s best couple. While Summer excuses herself to the restroom, Jessica comes over to apologize to Hoyt. She asks him if he’s happy and he says no, he can’t fucking stand Summer and her dolls and her cleaning and her incessant talking. (Chicks, am I right?) So then why is he with her? Because it’s better than sitting around feeling miserable about Jessica. Hoyt doesn’t love Summer, she’s his rebound. This too sends Jessica over the edge and she runs off crying again. This time, Tommy takes notice. He one again badmouths Hoyt in his schoolboyish attempt to win her affections away from her ex. Sorry Tommy, I’m seeing a glorious reconciliation between these two sometime soon. I want it anyway.

Speaking of Tommy, he’s just all up in everybody’s stuff this week. He’s stealing tips from Arlene (more on that later), he’s having reeeeeally loud sex with some girl at his place and he’s getting on Sam’s back about letting people walk all over him. This brings up a good point. Sam is a very nice guy, almost to a fault. He is somewhat of a doormat and Tommy’s confrontation about this point seems to send him past his breaking point. When Calvin comes looking for Crystal in Merlotte’s once again Sam has had enough and proceeds to beat the living piss out of him. As Jason and Hoyt stop him from killing the poor man, he looks to Tommy and sees the approval he’s been wanting from his younger brother. Let some guy walk into his bar and mouth of to him? Not without getting glass broken over his head and a nice helping of his own teeth. Sam Merlotte is a doormat no more.

Back to Arlene. Isn’t this jumping from connected story to story fun? After confronting Tommy she finds herself crying in Sam’s office. Holly, the new girl, comes in to console her. Arlene blurts out that the baby she’s carrying isn’t Terry’s and she’s scared to not only lose the best man she’s ever had but to bring an evil child into the world. Holly sympathizes. She seems nice enough but new characters (Jesús excluded) always throw up a red flag of evil. She asks Arlene if she wants that baby. No. So she says she’ll accompany her to the clinic to get it taken care of. But Arlene is against abortion, she can’t do it. Holly mentions there are other ways to take care of the problem. What? What does that mean? See? Evil vibes.

Getting to more “important” characters and stories, Bill and Sookie aren’t breaking up but that doesn’t mean they aren’t having problems. As they wrap a dead werewolf up and prepare to bury him, Sookie comments that this is not what normal couples do. Well yeah, you should have been prepared for this getting in bed with a vampire from the get go. She says it’s going to be hard to trust him again because she knows about the file he has on her. Bill claims he was doing research on her only to find out why Eric is so interested in her. She didn’t seem to completely buy it and I didn’t either.

Bill has a dream where he awakens in the mystery woods where Sookie found herself earlier. After a brief encounter with Claudine, Bill awakens and goes to Sookie’s claiming to know what she is. Please tell us already before I don’t care anymore. Dangling the one interesting thing about that character over our heads for this long is getting old.

There’s more at stake now in the Stackhouse family tree of telepaths. Turns out Hadley’s random surprise son has the same powers that Sookie does. I instantly felt my stomach turn with the same thoughts of “fucking lame” a lot of people did at the son of Superman reveal in Superman Returns (although I liked that one). This kid, Hunter, is now going to be the key to whatever Russell needs since he obviously can’t use Sookie, she’s our protagonist! Color me uninterested, which I imagine is like a pale yellow.

And now to Russell, who didn’t take Talbot’s murder very well. In fact, he resorted to carrying his remains in an urn and talking to it as he spies on the one responsible: Eric Northman. The AVL (American Vampire League for those of you who don’t know or have trouble figuring out blatantly obvious and easy acronyms) has come to Fangtasia to question Eric. He tells them of Russell’s plans to overthrow the Authority and about how he killed the Magister and is responsible for the slaying of his family by way of his army of werewolves. Nan Flanagan thinks it’s all bullshit and orders Eric and Pam under house arrest at Fangtasia until Eric’s statements are reviewed.

Eric does not feel his chances of survival are very good. His treasonous remarks make for a sticky political situation. The AVL is more likely to sell Eric out, make him take the fall than to hunt down and accuse a king. He tells Pam she has to prepare for life without him, she will have to become a maker. Eric and Pam scenes are always great because as evil and manipulative as they are, there is a definite bond between them. They care deeply for one another. I guess 100 years with someone will do that.

Fortunately they will have more time to be together as the Authority is throwing out Eric’s statements. With the VRA (Vampire Rights Amendment, duh) decision close, the Authority doesn’t want to be anywhere near a situation like this. And with that decision comes the approval for Eric to work under the radar and take his revenge on Russell.

Which brings us to the end of the episode, what is already being hailed around the water coolers as one of the best endings to any episode to date. As Nan chows down on a topless human in her limo (hypocrite), Russell hijacks a news station by pulling out the anchorman’s spine and taking control of the broadcast. He formally announces the superiority of vampires and his plans to wage war against the AVL. See, even something as solid and honest as the news is easily broken. What is there left to believe in!?

Oh yeah, Jason killed Franklin. It was no surprise that he wasn’t dead. He comes back  forTara and Jason shoots him with wooden bullets. And now Tara is probably gonna start pinning after Jason again for saving her life. Cool. That’s all I really wanna say about that.

Final Thoughts:

• The only people seemingly unbroken are Lafayette and Jesús. Things seem to be going well for them. That’s good.
• Crystal is still being shifty and lying and running from her problems. She and Ramona from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World this weekend score a one-two punch for fickle, bad female characters.