Monsters of Television

“I’ve been a part of this family my whole life. It’s an overrated experience.”

This week we’re giving you a double dose of The Boondocks. Adult Swim must have missed the memo about what day it was and so while I was celebrating our Independence Day last weekend, they were airing a new episode. Thomas Jefferson and I were so pissed.

“The Story of Lando Freeman” was so ingeniously named because it told us the story of man named Lando Freeman. He had come in search of Robert, who he believed was his father. The similarities are uncanny (dress style, love of strip clubs, etc.) but it would take a lot more than that for Robert to welcome this stranger into his house and into his life.

The year was 1980. The Empire Strikes Back was just released. With the introduction and subsequent popularity of Lando Calrissian, a young Robert was raking in the ladies just for being a black guy like Billy Dee Williams. One such woman, Mary Etta, bore a son whom she named Lando after her extreme love for the man and told him that Robert was his father. 30 years later Lando has come calling for his daddy. Alright, an illegitimate negro child story. But that’s not the focus of the episode. Star Wars is actually the focus of the episode. Or is it the bond between people be they blood related or not? One of these is clearly more important in life. I’m leaning toward Star Wars.

Gin Rummy makes a reappearance, always a nice surprise. Robert goes to him for advice on how to get rid of the bothersome Lando. Naturally Rummy suggests killing him, but Robert is thinking of something a little less lethal. Rummy suggests getting a DNA test and he knows a place where they’ll do it for free. My mind instantly thought: “Yes! The Boondocks is gonna do Maury Povich!” But I was wrong. They did however opt for an even more exciting and more easily exaggerated target.

The Steve Wilkos Show. Never seen an episode? Then I’m to assume you either have a job that you attend regularly during the day or you have an aversion to quality trashy television. Robert and Lando go on the show to get the DNA test performed. Steve (played hilariously full of rage by John DiMaggio) lays into Robert for his lack of fathering and threatens to beat the shit out of him. The test results are in and Robert is the father. Huey says he owes Lando the chance to get to know his dad, Riley says do what a real nigga would do and pretend it never happened. I don’t think I’ll be taking any parenting tips from this show.

So Lando is accepted into the Freeman home and the new family of four seem to be bonding quite strongly. One afternoon everyone is sitting down watching Steve Wilkos when something catches Huey’s eye. They pause (no homo) the fine print of the credits and read a disclaimer that the show has the right to nullify, falsify, etc DNA test results to preserve the integrity (*snicker*) of the show. So Maury and Steve Wilkos and Jerry Springer are all just greedy bastards who feign sympathy and retool the misery of others for ratings? My entire world just shattered.

Luckily the show keeps all actual DNA test results on record. A phone call reveals Robert is not Lando’s real dad. Lando thanks them for opening their home to him but it’s time to leave. They’re not family and so it’s not right for him to share a room with two little boys. “I ain’t on no King of Pop shit, you know what I’m talking about. I’ll just beat it.” Awesome. A Michael Jackson double whammy joke on his (supposed) pedophilia and one of his chart topping hits. Happy belated, MJ.

Just when you think the episode is going to further propagate the “black whore mother who sleeps around a lot and bears children who will never know their real father and are thus doomed to then sleep with another whore mother and continue this vicious cycle of black sexual irresponsibility and parental negligence” stereotype, international star and Colt 45 spokesperson Billy Dee Williams rolls up to the Freeman house. He saw Robert and Lando on The Steve Wilkos Show and is looking for Lando because he is his real father. Robert and the boys point him in the direction Lando went of in and Billy Dee goes after him. Perhaps the planets have aligned and a black son and black father will be reunited. If not no big deal, Lando Calrissian already has a son.

Final Thoughts:

• “And let this be yet another reminder that no matter how much money you got, you still just a nigga.” Thanks, Uncle Ruckus. Good to know.
• Ruckus says Lucas ruined Star Wars by introducing Lando into the series. Funny, I always thought it was Jar Jar.

Now Robert has dated some crazy women in his time and is finally fed up. He deletes his facebook and swears off women forever. That is until he meets Ebony Brown. Ebony is perfect: she exercises, runs a non-profit organization, isn’t offended by Uncle Ruckus. There is nothing wrong with her, and that means there has to be something right?

Huey and Riley take up arms. Having dealt with too many of Robert’s psycho dates before (see “Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf Bitch” for example) they’re ready to be forced to protect house and home again. Ruckus doesn’t trust her either but his reasons are more of a distrust of all black people. He takes every opportunity to expose her criminal past or the number of illegitimate children she has but to no avail. This is is a dilemma most people have faced: dating someone that all your friends hate. Seeing it done in The Boondocks fashion made our own experiences seem a little less horrific.

Naturally, Ebony’s perfection kept pointing toward some deep dark secret that would explode and make her the most insane of all Robert’s hot mamas. But that’s not where the conflict occurs. Ebony really is perfect and Robert becomes a tad too attached. He starts threatening guys that look at her in the street and calling her nonstop. (Haven’t we all been there before? Well not me, I mean you.) He even follows her to Malaysia when she stops returning his calls. Her phone doesn’t work over there and she’s trying to help a tsunami relief fund and Robert’s paranoia is becoming too much so she breaks up with him. Sad. And so it’s back to making up lies and posting photoshopped pictures on facebook for Robert. It really is hard to quit.

“Lovely Ebony Brown” hit on a lot of points in the dating game in its usual humorous fashion but with a lot of heart underneath as well. While events and conversations may have been a bit exaggerated they still left you nodding your head because you’ve been there or know someone who has been. Maybe Aaron McGruder’s got some heartbreak hidden underneath all that humor and demand for social reform.

Final Thoughts:

• The argument between Robert and Thugnificent over the necessity of bathroom attendants was not only hilarious but such a good point. I’ll turn the water on and keep my two dollars to myself, thank you.
• Uncle Ruckus has a lot of jobs. A LOT of jobs.
• Facebook is evil and should die,