Monsters of Television

“Coincidence and fate figure largely in our lives.”

A chance bit of observational skills brought Log Lady and Daddy Briggs to the sheriff’s office together. A chance bit of doodling brought their tattoos together into one symbol. A chance bit of conversation led to from that symbol to Owl Cave. And a little bit of chance led to the gang finding some hidden doohickey in the wall of said cave.

NOT TO MENTION the fact that, based on his secret files, Windom Earle was involved in investigating UFOs back in the day. That right there is a DUN DUN DUUUNNN moment, y’all.

I don’t know whether to hope or not that Earle’s bit of mischief left him buried in the cave. On the one hand: hahaha, serves you right, you mental bastard! On the other hand: no more disguises. DILEMMA.

This episode may end with spelunking and secrets, but it begins with a whole lot of lovin’ – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Wheeler confesses to Ben that he’s falling in love with Audrey, which is expected (but a little odd, though that might just be because I find it almost impossible to take Zane as a good guy seriously). This is after responding to Audrey’s delivering of his breakfast and basic flirting with: “If you bring a hammer, you better also bring nails.” To her credit, Audrey fires right back at him. Go on, girl.

Staying with the Hornes, we discover that Ben’s secretive visit to the Hayward’s house – and Eileen’s subsequent visit to him – is related to their past together. Which Ben wants to rekindle and Eileen wants to forget. DRAMA. What the hell, y’all. And OF COURSE Donna can’t keep her mouth shut and basically reveals all to her daddy, who no one has the right to hurt. <3 Doc Hayward.

Meanwhile: GORDON IS BACK, YOU GUYS. YAY! Harry and Coop take him to Norma’s diner, where he spots – and immediately falls for – Shelly (which is understandable because, c’mon, Madchen Amick is ridiculously good looking). Her beauty reminds him of “the chick with no arms” and he admires that beauty rather loudly before going up to speak with her at the counter. Shelly, for her part, seems rather flustered by the loud attention, though she’s very nice to Gordon (which brought her way up in my esteem). And – MIRACLE OF MIRACLES – for some reason Gordon can actually hear her speak, even though she speaks to him in a soft-to-normal voice. I’m blaming love.

Coop, on the other hand, more subtly flirts with Annie, who seems to have warmed to him quite well. And Harry knows Coop is in love, even if Coop hasn’t fully realized in himself, because Coop tried to tell Annie a joke. Cooper’s face when the truth of Harry’s words hit him is perfection: self-conscious, hopeful, a little mysterious, and tentatively joyful.

EVERYONE IS IN LOVE. EXCEPT HARRY, WHO IS IN MOURNING.

And poor Harry. He loses the woman he loves in terrible fashion. He tries to drink himself into oblivion. Then he’s rudely woken to the worst hangover ever by a crazy woman feeling him up and then attempting to garrote him to death. Would all the bad women just leave Harry alone, please? The poor guy’s been through enough. But at least he was able to pull himself together quickly and kick Cruella Deathville’s ass.

In the aftermath, Harry was just as confused as I was about why Eckhardt wanted him dead. Thankfully, Cooper cleared it up for us.

Cooper: “Sexual jealousy.”
Harry and me: “Ahhh.”

Ah, Harry. Someday your lady will breeze in. Until then, at least you have Coop.

Notes:

• I forgot to mention it before but: HEATHER GRAHAM.
• Ooo, Leo’s reaction when he saw Shelly’s face on one of the queen cards. Might this amount to something?
• MIKE AND NADINE. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS.
• “What do you recommend for a hangover?” “Teetotaling and prayer.” I like Annie, you guys.
• Actual notes during the Ben and Wheeler scene: “No, seriously, what’s Ben playing at? Did he – DID HE JUST GIVE ZANE A CARROT?”
• Earle disguise: librarian-esque poetry professor. A-
• I LOVE GORDON SO MUCH, Y’ALL. “When Earle went boi-oi-oing…” “…a steak so rare you can sell it at Tiffany’s.” CAN WE KEEP HIM FOREVER?