Monsters of Television

“I keep letting myself fall into bad patterns.”

So I’ve fallen way behind on watching Dallas. A lot of this was due to just feeling tired on Wednesdays for some reason, and a little bit of it was just forgetting that the show was on Wednesdays in the first place. But I’m all caught up and ready to go.

Except that I’m kind of yawning a bit. The structural issue with Dallas was laid out in the premiere when it established pretty much everything it was going to do, all the schemes that were in play. The rest of the reason was always going to be how it all unraveled, and there’s something a bit dull about watching plans collapse as opposed to watching plans come into fruition.

All of this is well encapsulated in “Truth and Consequences” as the (I’m hoping) initial plots all reach a peak. Perhaps the biggest change, overall, is J.R.’s sneaky-sneaking of the South Fork deed and assuming complete control of the property, but even that, like so much else here, felt largely predictable. There wasn’t anything all that shocking happening here or in the episodes that followed the two-part premiere.

J.R. has assumed control of Southfork thanks to more blackmailing and double-dealing with Lobell (who has gotten the hell out of Dallas); Rebecca is both trying to redeem herself to Christopher AND Tommy (so it seems anyway); Marta/Veronica is on low end of her bipolar disorder (more on this in just a moment) and giving up evidence to win back John Ross; Christopher’s ready to go to the mattresses while Bobby wants to keep wearing his white hat; and Elena is bouncing back and forth like a pinball.

And as the plans all fall apart, new plans are made. Christopher, with his hands on the sex tape of John Ross and Marta/Veronica, is using it to get John Ross to get evidence that J.R. knew the sale of Southfork was a fraud so the deal is put in the can; Anne, showing a bit of agency, heads to her ex-husband’s to ask him to stop transporting oil off of Southfork (which he agrees to); and Tommy and Rebecca seem to be going through Christopher’s documents to end up making some money off the blown con.

But I don’t know that I care about any of it. When everything kind of collapsed, there should’ve been a sense of urgency to it, and instead everything felt rather lackadaisical. Rebecca and Tommy are still in Christopher’s condo even though they could, realistically, go through those documents anywhere, even outside of Dallas; John Ross’s response to being cut out of the Southfork deal feels less angry and more resigned (and this could be Josh Henderson’s fault for being nearly unwatchable); and while Anne and Christopher both show some agency to get Southfork back, neither of their moments really land with any force, particularly Christopher’s blackmailing of John Ross. It should feel like a turning point for the previously noble son, but it just feels flat instead.

Part of this is the fault of the show for establishing decent characters. Marta/Veronica’s bipolar disorder feels more like a convenient way to have the character do whatever the writers need the character to do rather than a legitimate character trait. So her leaving of the sex tape with a “Please take me back note” feels less like a real gesture by a broken character and more of a way so that Christopher can easily get his hands on it.

Worse than Marta/Veronica may be Elena who the writers have decided can go from being tough to weak in the knees and taking off her shirt when needed. It should feel like Elena is a complex character, but when John Ross comments that she’s an independent woman and then, upon making doe eyes at her and swearing he had nothing to do with the email (called it!), she’s all “Do me now, guy who I was previously slammed the door on after he gave a piss-poor Jerry Maguire speech!” She is not, in fact, independent, but bounces back and forth between Christopher and John Ross as if existing to purely to help illuminate their needs or motivations.

All of this is actually reminding me of a quote from Community: “When you conspire with everyone you come across, you’re not really conspiring with anyone. You’re just doing random crap.”

And that’s kind of what it feels like Dallas is right now.