Monsters of Television

“Friends don’t let friends sneak into insane asylums alone.”

Do Arkham Asylum inmates only eat sliced bread and peanuts?

My first instinct was to type this whole thing in Mona Code (what Spencer would know as a basic mnemonic device) but that’s harder in practice than theory. “She lives under trees” is more inspired than you might think it is. It’s like trying to compose Don Quixote from scratch. Or terza rima in German.

But, then again, it’s a lot easier when your character can communicate in nonsense. If you have anyone past puberty brushing a doll’s hair, they can say just about anything because she is clearly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. In fact, I wonder what the doll industry has to say about this show. They certainly are on the forefront of establishing fake porcelain babies and tiny plastic people as the creepiest things to stumble across in the dark. Especially vast extinct necropolises ensconcing zany Rosewood asylums.

A lot of information is revealed in this episode, which usually means I’m going to hate the thing since that leaves very little room for Hanna to bust out a few choice lines (comedic brashness usually gets replaced by boring anxiety).
But this one could’ve been much worse and none of the plot that is revealed feels terribly contrived. Well, except for Nate’s weird Jenna love and Ali’s unmentioned evil bestie Cece coming to town. Couldn’t emerging characters exhibit some winsome faculties?

Emily deals the most with the shaky new characters. While Cece makes sure to make herself memorable to all the Liars when she breezes into town, she gets the most face time with Em, which makes sense since she’s the weak link of the chain. Compulsively honest when the pressure’s on, prone to anxiety, never actively doing anything when she could just react to it, if you were to come to town on the attack, Emily would be your first target, too. But, somehow, Cece’s behavior, even including the terrifying decor at the boutique she works at (a clinic in summer fruit and cherubs that even Anne Geddes would have nightmares about) isn’t anything compared to Nate the Creep Show. While shopping for weirdest-crush Jenna, he hits on Emily who (a) is gay and (b) is his dead cousin’s ex-lover. Whatever attempt this elegiac Romeo makes, Emily’s labia-only nature better avoid budging, yo.

And can we talk about why people keep falling for Jenna? I can only imagine the reason dudes keep falling all over themselves for this emotionally-unstable, gaunt girl is how she plays the flute. However onerous, obedient dudes struggle to ultimately consummate kissing.

Of course, Emily can’t understand why anyone likes Jenna either and Cece tries to endear herself by taking the action Emily is always afraid of taking. And that means any action at all. Cece is clearly trying to fill a hole left by Ali (try as Spencer might) by being a surrogate. She has all the mannerisms down based on two weeks (two weeks?) of hanging out with Alison: the “hip pop,” tone of voice, drastic measures through elitist aggression. Quite becoming, isn’t Cece?

While the new characters trying to wedge themselves into the fabric of the show is interesting (and a little awkward), the focus of this episode was certainly Hanna and Mona (guest starring Aria). There’s a story with Spencer and Toby where they cover up Jason’s drunken accident but that’ll cause more drama later on. This week parcels out some more history about Hanna and why the Di Laurentis family wouldn’t mind pinning this whole thing on the only non-non-blonde that isn’t subjectively cray (we can agree that Cece and Kate have some problems). And it all has to do with a Ouija board. That she buried with Alison. Nothing important to her and Alison. She only dumped unwanted, mawkish baggage.

This is a season about how the garbage the Liars hid with their best friend’s body comes back to get them. So far, the stuff inside is like the laziest time capsule ever constructed. Be that as it may, what makes the story in this episode interesting is that we seem to see an entire construction of A’s attempt to communicate from beginning to end. While there’s a threat on the planchette (yeah, that thing has a name) about how easy it is to get blood from the Liars (like the Rosewood police would even know what to do with that kind of rock solid evidence), it also provides a way for Mona to communicate with the girls. As Hanna deduces, Mona directed them the whole time: to remind Hanna of what happened to jog her recollection of Mona Code to eventually lead them down to the basement to give away the clues. And brush doll hair. Combing, reciting eerie epithets, prepared (strangely), humming, obliging, willing.

Maybe I’m just unobservant (or gullible) but this feels like the first time there’s been a clear motive to the tactics of A, at least intra-episode. And, though it pains me to say it, it’s kind of cool how everything turns out. Even if Mona is just using the new A’s move to her own separate purposes, we’re starting to see something take shape. Of all the time we’ve known Mona was involved with the A syndicate, this is the first time I’ve understood the “hyper-intelligence” part of her diagnosis. Not the Mona Code itself but the scheming it took in order to take advantage of what’s happening. It also might represent how Mona might be caving while locked away in Arkham and feeling some distance from the syndicate that’s been pinned on her. Sorta charming how it’s shockingly manipulated.

Despite the fact that Hanna didn’t have her one-liners, the episode itself wasn’t bad. I’m sort of disappointed that Spencer and Toby are headed for another split but that seems to be the go-to strife for these girls while Season 3 lets the men be less suspect. Mind you, I’m not disappointed because I really love them together (I don’t — I ship nothing). I’m just tired of seeing the same thing over and over again. Then again, a teenage girl’s life, even one embattled by a secret society out to torture them, is terribly boring when not being bullied. Though her emotions extract nautically deep.

(Give me a break on the last one, will you?)

Other things:

• From Pretty Little Liars Annotations: Ted is making the rounds. Oh, and from last week: Ted didn’t have a chance with Ashley anyway.
• Episodes titles are often puns on songs (“That Girl is Poison”) or movies/books (“Remains of the ‘A'”, “It Happened ‘That Night'”). So, for this episode, do you think they mean Britney or Kenny Rogers? OR IS IT BNL? You’re right. It’s totally BNL.
• Hanna is a universal donor (O-). So is Wilson on House. This has been Weird Television Facts.
• ELLA (to Aria): “Why am I asking you? You wear forks as earrings.” Dead animals are okay but silverware is weird? Now’s a good time to mention that I like that Ella has a shot at Zack, the coffee shop owner. Get you some. Ted needs to realize he’s on middle-age Blendr and needs to switch to ChristianSingles.com or something. Rosewood MILFs aren’t church-going folks.
• Hey, Emily, instead of letting Nate misunderstand you, how about speaking up? “Hey, jackass. I mean she’s an awful human being. Don’t date the frenemy.”
• MONA: “Tell Hanna I’m sorry.” T-H-I-S in Mona Code. And then she turns around one more time before she goes. What is “this”? Is “this” “looking behind you with a look of combined coquettishness and fear” or what?
• Dear nurses at Radley: stop leaving doors unlocked.
• I see why Toby is so good at staring. It looks like he’s constantly practicing it whenever he’s alone. Read a book or something, dude.
• Wilton is the worst cop.
• Humming and dolls are my new worst nightmare.
• The Mona Code from the basement: “Miss Aria, you’re a killer. Not Ezra’s wife.” (MAYA KNEW) | “Where were we? Maya’s away sleeping sweet. Until Garrett’s all rosy, count on me.” (WWW.MASSUGAR.COM) | “No one to save Ali from evil.” (NOT SAFE). “No. I missed my dolls.” (NIMMD) — that last one might not mean anything. Unless it’s IMMD –> I’m MD –> I’m a doctor. Maybe she is a doctor. Like Dr Dre. East Si-ide.
• Of all the messages, why does no one focus on the “Maya Knew” one? Seems important.
• Seems like overkill to hide a tape recorder in a doll that you have to choke in order to remove. And what are they recording? Did Mona lead them down there so they could be recorded? And do I need to go through all of A’s other text messages and see if they spell out anything? Because I’m not gonna. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, ABC FAMILY!