Monsters of Television

“Why are you looking at pictures of bald, fat men?”

Let’s set up a profile for my mom! Wait. Do you know anything about my mom? I don’t. She’s an English teacher so she likes — art? And stuff? This profile needs more dead animal parts.

I didn’t think I was going to do a review of Pretty Little Liars this week but something needs to be said about things that are happening on this show, particularly how the show is trespassing on my faculties of reason.

You and I both know this show isn’t supposed to stand next to Breaking Bad or LOST or any show to be acclaimed by critics outside of Us Weekly. But I also once attributed subtext and whiffs of an aspiration to complex narrative for this show, even saying this is the best show you’re not watching. So that’s on me.

The thing is that Pretty Little Liars may indeed try their hand at revelatory storytelling in the shadow of LOST but they also have to consider their target demographic won’t hang on without some reveals and may be too impatient for the answer-longing that kept fans tuning in for Whiny Jack and Tag-along Kate. You have to let them have a piece of the story every once in a while, maybe more often than you would for the wider 18-49.

I’m getting it out there that I don’t hate Pretty Little Liars for dumping more information into each episode and picking up the pace a little (a lot — a lot a lot). It’s the execution that troubles me. Don’t insult me or the young girls of America. You can do better.

It’s just so sloppy the way we’re getting our character development/introductions. Let’s take the Ella/Aria storyline for example. Clearly the show wants to set up the Ella/Byron story for the season and we’ve already seen the ramp-up with the Aria admitting to some weird ret-con (eye-roll-inducing ret-con — though is it ret-con if the source material has already been written?) of trashing her dad’s office and blaming it on Meredith, an admission which leads to Byron and Meredith heading toward Round 2, this time without all the bothersome adultery. Aria feels sorry for her mom and her part in hooking up her dad with her dad’s backseat companion so she signs Ella up for a dating website (wha?). Apparently, grading papers isn’t a good enough reason for a teacher to stay in for a night or two (to be fair, education in Rosewood usually sits shotgun to secret lovers, talking about the bullying syndicate that’s after you, constant cycles of grief, and overnight seminars about said bullying), so Ella aka “HotMamma” (really, Hanna? HotMamma? You’re better than that. And how is that name not taken?) is pimped out by her daughter to the skeezeballs in Rosewood’s underbelly of single, middle-aged men. This goofy storyline comes to a close when Ella realizes she’s not as whorish as Ashley but is sensible/understanding/repressed enough to accept Byron getting to tap some co-ed booty while she dines on Cup O’Noodle.

This all occurs in the same episode that Caleb breaks up with Hanna because she’s keeping secret secrets (to save Caleb so he doesn’t end up like Toby), Emily meets Maya’s very close but very unmentioned cousin to discuss closure (and to suggest some doing it?), and Spencer tries to debunk the “my sister is the new A” theory.

The Caleb and Hanna thing might be the most sensible storyline of the episode. There’s also been a strong focus this season on trying to de-creepify the male characters so, instead of them lurking and finding themselves in conspicuous places, Toby and Caleb particularly have been very open, honest, and sappy. It’s an interesting pivot since, when they were suspects, it was easy to see these girls as victims. Now that they’re not suspects but the girls are still treating these dudes with a healthy dose of mendacity, blame shifts.

But it’s also a rehashing of stuff they already did. In fact, it’s stuff they just did. Hanna has to let the relationship fall apart because A is threatening to wreck it and him. I don’t like to use the term “jump the shark” unless it’s a very specific case and I don’t think this situation qualifies to my high standard (only because the show hasn’t exhausted all of its gambits and started recycling to reclaim past glory) but there’s an odor of fish and leather about it. Are we going to target Ezra next and have that relationship fall apart? Because we should. Because it’s icky.

And if there’s one more time I have to see these girls break into a house and narrowly escape someone coming home early or out of nowhere — ugh. The only consolation there might’ve been to the Scooby-Doo mission that found a Black Swan feather in Melissa’s apartment is that we discover A has been texting Melissa, too. But, just as you’re about to cross Melissa off your list, you remember that Mona also feigned being contacted by A. So, at the end of the episode, you really have nothing. Except knowledge that the cops might be onto the girls’ fake alibi, which couldn’t have come in a more ridiculous way. My paraphrasing:

[EXT. DARK ROAD – EVENING: Crown Vic (or similar car) pulls up next to SPENCER walking alone. Inside, it’s Detective WILDEN]
SPENCER: Concern for detectives creeping around my neighborhood at night.
WILDEN: Question alluding to but not confirming evidence that trashes your alibi.
SPENCER: Truly awful poker face.
WILDEN: Thin-veiled effort of masking “I’m gonna getcha” with “I dunno whatever.”
[Wilden drives away.]

The problem isn’t so much the actual information that’s being passed (or faked) but the way it’s done. Melissa’s dramatic wailing about her miscarriage and subsequent cover-up, Wilden’s sudden insertion into the story and cheesy delivery, the girls’ sloppy antics in trying to discover information. These four have been doing this sneaking around for clues for so long, you’d think they have the process down cold.

There isn’t a whole lot to say about Maya’s cousin, Nate, being inserted into the story since not much comes of it except that he and Emily can bond over Maya and possibly get it on? I felt some sexy vibes coming off them. Maybe I just want it to happen so Emily does something interesting. The show could do worse than invent a reason for Emily to dig herself into a hole rather than one just happening and someone putting a shovel in her hand.

The bottom line is that this show is falling into the same lull it did last season, where the lead up to the season finale was strong(ish) and there is a sharp fall in storytelling ability after the premiere. It becomes too much camp, all filler and no killer.

More gripes and notes:

• My favorite Pretty Little Liars Annotations post of the week: Of course Aria is the one to find the feather
• What aftershave smells like baby wipes?
• Why are Hanna and the receptionist at the psych ward so unnecessarily sassy with each other? IS THE RECEPTIONIST A?!
• Bon Iver shows don’t have assigned seating (at least none of the ones I’ve been to). Caleb got horked.
• Nate might be the least creepy man to be introduced on this show so far. That will probably change. Much like being associated with Bravermans on Parenthood will make you a sad-sack crying whiner, living in Rosewood will make you a perverted sociopath or at least seem like one by all appearances.
• EMILY: “It’s Melissa!” ARIA: “Where?” In the magazine you’re flipping through for clues, you putz. She’s outside! God, Aria, why are these people friends with you?
• Read between the lines, Caleb. When there’s a pregnant pause after you make an assertion like “there’s no more A,” that means you’re wrong. YOU DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?
• I’m embarrassed by how many books I’ve added to my reading list because someone was reading or studying that book on Pretty Little Liars.
• NATE: “All anyone seems to talk about is Maya’s death.” Um, who is talking about Maya’s death other than Emily and you? As far as I can tell, everyone’s still taking about the skinny white girl and she died two years ago.
• You can’t use the MacBook trackpad with a glove on. You can’t. And why are we zoomed in on the $50 dollar bill? Are we supposed to glean some information from lesser-used American tender?