Monsters of Television

“Guys, I don’t trust Melissa as far as I can throw her and Ian’s fetus.”

Spencer is appalled by the content but loves the organization.

This episode is everything that is wrong with Pretty Little Liars and possibly everything that is wrong with America.

I don’t expect much from this show. I like it. I wouldn’t admit that to my dude friends (except this is on the internet — hi, dude friends) but I do watch this every week instead of catching up on Justified. It exists within a bubble of camp and camp is something that can only be enjoyed experientially. Have you ever tried to describe the plot of a B-movie to someone that doesn’t enjoy camp? It’s like explaining how to pierce your knuckles. Why would you do that to yourself? You watch a show about high school drama that’s already annoying then heightened to a hyperbolic level by a phantom, omniscient villain who always wears black gloves, even when eating, and terrorizes through text and shadowy secret-telling? Forget it, bring on the knuckle-piercers.

And, somehow, I’ve continued to watch, even enjoy, Pretty Little Liars because it knows what it is and even pokes fun at itself. Within this melodrama that moonlights as a thriller, there’s a thread of intelligence (not from the characters — they’re all nearly simple) in the storytelling.

Except for this season finale. But, lucky for them (and us), they padded their crappy tale-spinning with actual advancement and real information. By the end of the episode, you really feel like you got somewhere.

Let me warn you now before you move on that there will be spoilers. Because how can we talk about how foolish this all is if we don’t discuss the actual events we had to suffer through?

Not too long ago, I was engaged in a conversation on Twitter that ended up comparing this show to Lost, not just in storytelling (they share the “painfully give a little bit of information at a time until the audience explodes” method) but character-by-character. I didn’t really think about it too much but I threw some options out there:

• Aria is Jack because she’s the de facto leader and the only one always willing to do the dirty work.
• Spencer is Locke because no one can tell her what she can’t do.
• Hanna is Hurley because she’s funny and spry and used to be fat.
• Emily is Kate because she goes on these adventures but why?

I copped out and said A is both Jacob and the Man in Black because, even though A constantly wants the girls to jump through hoops, sometimes it’s for the best and sometimes it’s toward their demise. And I pinned Mona as Ethan, because I knew all along. I said no one could be Ben because no one’s smart enough.

So who is A? It’s funny that when they finally unveiled that Mona is part of what she calls “the A Team,” she dropped some lines often used by Ben (“A always has a plan”) and the movie character Ben Linus often reminds me of, particularly in the early days of Lost, Joe Doe from Seven (“I admire you”). Unfortunately, this isn’t really big news for anyone that watched the Halloween special last year.

In my review of the Winter Premiere this season, I mentioned that I wasn’t sure the Halloween episode was supposed to be canon because, if it was, it really spoiled a lot of the upcoming season for us. We learned definitively that (a) A is not one person, (b) Ally was in trouble, (c) Ally might have a twin sister, (d) that we’ve been led to conflate whatever ridiculousness is happening between Jason, Ian, and Garrett with the A syndicate when there might be a little more separation there. We knew that Lucas and Mona were party to the A plot so unveiling Mona in this episode was not too big a reveal. But can I ask what’s up with the dolls and clown masks? I know that they’re scary but wasn’t all the surveillance photography and newspaper clippings organized like a serial killer enough? Everything else in the room seems to have some purpose but the clown mask doesn’t really add up. Except that A is creepy and clowns are creepy?

No, Mona as a part of the A syndicate is not what made the episode for you (or shouldn’t if you’re paying attention) though it was probably a deep sigh of relief that you know for sure. What made the episode was the tag where Mona, now deemed deeply disturbed due to her high intelligence and higher delusional state, is visited by someone who is presumably Vivian Darkbloom. And she’s lacky to her. Which only means one thing.

Rosewood is actually a planned community for rehabilitated patients of Arkham Asylum.

Do you feel the balance edging away from four girls getting bullied by a slighted group of students to the pendulum swinging way into Batman villains coming together to squash the Dark Knight? If it wasn’t so calculated, I’d be afraid Pennsylvania was going to become the next site for a Maximum Carnage reboot. Superman Died. Superman Reborn. Lobo. I think those are all of my comic book references.

But there is seriously a super-villain vibe going on in that tag and it has me intrigued for next season. Clearly, this thing is bigger than secret brothers and some creepy video. If Vivian Darkbloom is still kicking around (and, who knows — Alison might still be alive. Soap opera rule: you always see the body and you see it into the ground or else they’re not dead) there’s a lot of opportunity for sweeping schemes that extend far beyond making Hanna eat a bunch of cupcakes. Is Alison’s long-lost mutilated sister out for revenge? With how structured all this is and with how many connections this has to local government, I think Darkbloom might just take down Gotham City afterall. It’s not like those four dummies can detective well enough to catch her. Spencer’s the smartest and Mona had to literally bring her to her lair before she got the picture.

But those are the interesting parts of the episode. Why I say this episode was everything that’s horrible about Pretty Little Liars has everything to do with all the stupid nonsense that was happening before the good stuff. Let’s just take the opening for example:

• Is every season just going to end with someone else being arraigned for Alison’s murder?
• Why would Aria give up her perfectly good frozen yogurt?
• I know Melissa gave a little bit of information in the opening, but the dramatic music was a little swollen for the tidbit she spilled. She was eating fro-yo, for crissakes.
• A told them she was going to put them in a body bag? Is Mona in Cobra Kai, too?
• “Hide and seek was my favorite game with Melissa. You want to know why? I always win.” Yeah, you’re doing a bang up job with A so far, Spence.

And it only gets more ridiculous after that with the masquerade ball, which really doesn’t contribute anything to the plot, particularly because everyone in the A syndicate either isn’t at the ball or takes their masks off. First, the swollen music, both pop and dramatic, gets to be way too much. Caleb being at the ball for Hanna? Whatever, sure. Paige being there for Emily. Okay, fine, I guess. But effing Ezra coming back for Aria? Come on, now.

The only bit of sense Ezra has had the entire series is to head up to live with his folks while he reevaluates his life. You would think that consideration would include his illicit relationship with an underaged student where he finally realizes the thing that’s ruining his life but — nah. He shows up anyway. And the disgusting thing about it, after we sit through scenes that involved Aria calling Ezra’s bed “sacred ground” (I just got disgusted shivers thinking about it), ABC Family has the balls to make a hashtag out of their combined name: #EzriaGoesPublic. Why are we supporting this? It’s absurd. I don’t care how into tragic romances Ezra is (I totally have that Letters of Abelard and Heloise book) or how star-cross’d Aria feels, it’s all-over-the-board wrong. There is no right thing about these two together and no amount of separation followed by sweet romance will convince me that this relationship will stand the test of time. Ezra has to be kind of sick in the head somehow to date a girl when he’s moderately attractive, intelligent, and bound to be successful (in academia — whatever that means). It means he’s disturbed. Stop pushing teacher-student relationships, ABC Family. It’s not good for the kids. It’s not good for America.

Lastly, let’s talk briefly about Maya being dead at Emily’s house. This ending epitomizes what’s really wrong with this episode. Here is an event that really has no precedent (except that she was missing and Emily kept missing her calls) and is hyperbolic in execution (she couldn’t be just maimed or harmed or frightened — she’s dead) but it’s, nonetheless, a real emotional turning point for the show and scored by the worst pop song imaginable for this scene. The entire episode is filled with overly dramatic score while people ate fro-yo or decided to split up at a party and yet, when something actually happens, they decide that’s the time for some pop? I would’ve been happier if “Down Under” by Men at Work played. At least I would’ve enjoyed that.

Tone was off and the intelligence factor for the show was really off. I mean, there’s even a scene where we heard Mona’s thoughts. That’s so ridiculously off book for them, I want to believe that it’s supposed to be so that we recognize through whom this show’s perspective truly belongs. Have we been looking at this story through the eyes of the four girls being terrorized or have we been seeing this through the perspective of A the whole time?

Nah. It’s probably a stupid thing that they did. Until next season.

Some quick hits to take us out:

• “You check into the Lost Woods because you don’t want to be found.” Why is that a thing you’d boast about to four underaged girls?
• What is up with the entire motel sequence being lensed/edited/performed like a horror movie? The blonde even gets in the shower. And then there aren’t even monsters? The sun just comes up and, miraculously, Spencer has the guest book and is able to put it back before anyone notices? What the?
• Toby was pretending not to be in love with Spencer? I’m confused about that entirely. If someone can tell me what I missed there, why Toby had to pretend, especially since Spencer was the one that was supposed to pretend not to love him — help me out. Also, their relationship is a little violent. I guess if you’re going to find out, it’s good to find out young that you’re into that.
• I love how everyone is crying that Mona is dead, yet, no one checked on her even though it looked like she was about ten feet down the embankment. No one wonder everyone’s trying to off you girls.
• Where are the parents in this episode? Just one to tell Emily that her girlfriend’s dead? Isn’t Aria technically still grounded?
• If Maya is dead, Paige is totally in!