Monsters of Television

“It was all Temple of Doom.”

Well, it's not any more embarrassing than the sequined soccer uniform with sneaker hooker heels, right?

Granted, I don’t have a trained eye but I do have SOME eyes (two of them) and I’m watching some of these dancers flop across the stage and all I can do is grit my teeth. I shake my head through most of these until JR or Ricki or Chynna come out. And even Chynna crapped the bed.

But the judges are willing to arbitrarily fling points at people they like. No one scores below a six. People that completely fail score above 20 (mind you Chaz was scoring mid-teens at the beginning of this competition) and the people that stumble their way through dance every week are patted on the back and told “It’s going to be okay because you try real hard.”

One of the things I noted that I liked last week was the lack of in-fighting and animosity between players. But Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono are being treated like they took bronze in a fourth-grade relay race. “You try so hard! Good job! Here’s the third highest score we’ve given all night! A for effort!” Maybe the judges could be a little more ruthless. Maybe we can stop the baby games. This isn’t Biggest Loser. Hurt some feelings.

What I’m saying is that the field for Movie Week was really soft. I mean, really soft. People limped to their highest scores of the competition. Points were tossed around so much that they had to give Ricki 10s because they had no where else to go (to be fair, she did have the best dance of the night).

With Kristin ducking out early, it seems like the judges are gaming the system by handing out points, padding the voting numbers. Shenanigans. Let it play out. Let Kristin be the cautionary tale for audience participation and do your jobs as judges: tear these people apart.

Let’s talk about these miserable performances:

Chynna Phillips (Mission: Impossible): This might be a really clever long game. She started off the competition so strong and has been disappointing ever since. So maybe she sucks for a week to lower the expectations. If that’s the case, that’s a really good job. She was terrible! But at least she looked good doing it. You know, sucking.

David Arquette (Raiders of the Lost Ark): Short of throwing up on the dance floor and dipping Bruno’s face in it, Arquette was going to look like an expert after Chynna stunk up the place. Happily, he had a decent performance along with his good fortune. The thing that struck me most is that his movements are looking more effortless. Len didn’t think so but he also gave Chynna’s performance a 7 so he can’t be trusted.

Carson Kressley (Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl): Fun as usual. I didn’t think his footwork was any worse than any of the other bottom-feeders on this show but the panel of judges seemed to think differently. They go on to pad everyone else’s scores so it looks like the judges chose their sacrificial lamb for the week. His dances are good for the people in the ballroom and for the regular viewers but comedy doesn’t sell as much as big baby tears do.

Nancy Grace (Flash Gordon): Simply horrible. Messy. Heavy-footed. Hard to watch. Judges agree with me. Still give her a 24. Why is this happening?!

Hope Solo (Toy Story): They danced to a song about being friends which makes me think they read this blog and are trying to refute my claims. You don’t fool me, Hope and Maks. You practice late in the rehearsal studio, huh? Practice sexing. The dance itself was fine. Great for middle of the pack. Vote of confidence from Len about how good she could be. Costumes are getting increasingly embarrassing.

Rob Kardashian (Superman): I get that you want to save the big reveal of the shield for the end of the song. But if you’re going to do that, you can’t screw it up. Instead we got a dance that was all Clark Kent and no Kal El. It was like the floor was made out of kryptonite (green not red). But, let’s look at the bright side: it lets me break out some nerdy comic book references. Put him in the Phantom Zone!

Ricki Lake (Psycho): Difficult song, great dance. Definitely worth the best score of the night. Even the gimmicky part was well done. Their success has been a pleasant surprise. The only couple that could possibly stick it to JR.

Chaz Bono (Rocky): His pre-dance video was propaganda and the actual dancing felt like it lasted about ten seconds to make sure he had time to hobble up the stairs for the Rocky reference. What saved Chaz tonight? Cher Power.

JR Martinez (Pink Panther): Carrie Ann just wants to see JR dance like he did last week all the time, which is good but wholly depressing. They got a Henry Mancici song. What did you expect them to do? It was a competent dance, well-executed, funny, and featured a fantastic mustache. I had no complaints. Carrie Ann lives to cry.

What I liked: Cher’s face after Chaz’s performance. That might be one of the most adorable things I’ve seen.

What I didn’t like: Does the decrease in couples mean I have to sit through more sequences with the dance troupe? This sucks.

What I still don’t understand: Who the heck is still voting for Nancy Grace? Is Fleshbot hoping for another nip-slip to get some more hits?

It was brought to my attention that I had such a high opinion of Chynna from the first performance but she’s been suckity-suck-suck ever since. The judges clearly like her and I thought they padded her score in order to save her. But she has no real attachment to the viewing public (it’s been a LONG time since sitting on the beach, begging folks to hold on) and doesn’t have as much cultural cachet as a Kardashian or a pop-journalist. I should’ve suspected that she would be the next to go.

Decent recovery from the absurdity from the last couple of weeks. I’m withholding shenanigans for now, Dancing with the Stars. But I’ll turn coat real quick. Be good.

What am I saying? Who am I?