Monsters of Television

“I rest my case, Nancy Grace.”

It’s sob story week here on Dancing with the Stars and the celebrities don’t disappoint in trotting out the waterworks for everyone. From the misty eyes of the former soldier to whatever acid Nancy Grace leaks to the Kardashian family dead-behind-the-eyes stoicism, we danced all over the spectrum for an emotional evening. Well, except Kristin Cavallari who did a Beyonce impression. Oh, and Hope Solo but she had to deal with several people telling her she’s not sexy so that’s upsetting, too.

The contestants had to choose a year of their lives that was important to them and the choreographers had to create a routine for that. Unfortunately, everyone knew what year JR was going to choose so, really, whatever they planned on doing was like competing for second place. Why? Because (a) JR’s a good dancer, (b) he has a really good partner, (c) every other person there has more than half a face. Throw in some good old sad-sack country and Nancy Grace dancing to “Moon River” later is like watching kids dance at a high school social: basic dancing and the problems are for babies.

Really, if Dancing with the Stars was sports and I was at the stadium rooting for not-JR, I would be going home right now to beat traffic. This is his competition to win; everyone else is just biding their time to elimination.

Let’s break it down:

Rob Kardashian: Clearly, I can’t be trusted because he still looks heavy-footed and awkward when he dances but the judges seem to disagree with me. They also tell him that they like how he doesn’t do anything special. Which I guess is a good game plan if you can’t really do anything special. So. The dance was fine. I don’t know if Shemp’s dad is taking time out of Heaven to say “good job” or anything (I mean, it’s Heaven — there’s probably a lot of killer stuff to do) but at least he didn’t embarrass himself. He didn’t remind me of Shirley Temple once.

Chynna Phillips: Chynna’s never really lived up to her first week’s performance and this one just as boring as last week. Nothing fancy. Judges thought it was really sensual. My career as a judge on Dancing with the Stars is probably never going to happen. Most disappointing part of the dance: how is she going to dance to “Hold On” and it’s not going to be on a beach?

Chaz Bono: You might think the most memorable year of Chaz Bono’s life would have something to do with changing genders but I suppose that gradual process took more than a year. Sonny Bono is the natural choice but Chaz has to be on his way out. Bruno mentions the rumba needs continuous motion and Chaz doesn’t so much move as he does whine so his dance was not great. To be fair though, he danced just as well as his pops so there’s that. It’s probably the best for him to exit.

Kristin Cavallari: I don’t really remember why “Crazy in Love” is the song that she chose for her most memorable year but she did a decent job. And by that I mean she shook her boobs a couple times. She moves well and can handle tough choreography. She’s just in a competition with JR and that’s unfortunate.

Carson Kressley: Here’s the key to a dance with Carson: toss in a part in the dance where he he can kick to a beat and we’ll be good. “It’s My Life” isn’t exactly a tango-y song but they did really well. They rekindled their chemistry. Was it insanely brilliant like Bruno says? I don’t know. It told a story though. Did Len get laid before the show? Because the guy wasn’t nearly as curmudgeonly as I want him to be. You have a role, Len. Fill it.

JR Martinez: A dead soldier’s letter in song soundtracking a haunting dance. Yeah, I said haunting. One, because the storyline of the dance was about a ghost and they haunt stuff. Two, because it sticks with you and freaking everyone was tearing up at the end. Carrie Ann couldn’t even talk. Judges even THANKED him for dancing. That they didn’t get 1st place is shenanigans.

Nancy Grace: Poor Nancy Grace. First she has to follow up JR. Second, she chooses a song that reminds me of Chevy Chase with a hand in his keister, especially damaging because I imagine Community Chevy Chase. The dance was okay and, I suppose, good for her abilities. She’s just lucky Chaz dances like a penguin. An actual penguin not those Happy Feet penguins. Those animated ones can really move.

Ricki Lake: Strong routine. Strongly danced. Did it deserve a higher score than JR’s? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure she’s going to trick her partner into making out with her at some point in this competition.

Hope Solo: The dance was fine, sexy. I’m still under the impression these two are boning down. It was nice to see the USWNT there (with plenty of cutaways to Alex Morgan, maybe one of World Cup superstar Abby Wambach). It was nice to see Hope in an outfit that didn’t have to do with soccer. Can we stop her from making soccer puns in the pre-dance video? Please? They hurt.

David Arquette: Definitely a better outing for Arquette this week. Last week was freaking stupid. He was focused and sharp even if that meant the moves didn’t look effortless. Also, his dances mean lots of cutaways to Courtney Cox and that’s something we can all appreciate.

What I liked: A lot of strong performances, emotional and not so emotional. People are really getting into it and that’s enjoyable to see. Also: still no in-fighting between the teams. The behind-the-scenes footage of all the contestants hugging at the end of JR’s dance was refreshing.

What I didn’t like: This results show was full of surprises. And by surprises, I mean stupidness. Chaz is safe? Chynna is the encore dance? This is preposterous.

And one thing I still don’t get: How are these votes tabulated? They keep saying that it’s the judges scores combined with the votes from viewers but what does that mean? Thousands of votes plus 24? Is there some algorithm? I don’t understand.

And with Kristin going home, I really don’t understand. Kristin really was one of the strongest dancers in the competition so to see her off is perplexing. Really, I’ve been wrong at every turn this week. I don’t like it when reality television makes me feel stupid. Chaz should really be heading home. Tom really hit on what’s probably the source of the problem: no one thought the couple need help with their votes. The flaw in the system I believe.

Until next week, try to get Chubby Checker’s outfit unburned from your head. Why a denim uniform, man?