Monsters of Television

“Vittore la Barba, huh? Ciao, bella. Spaghetti-ah pizza. Mammamia. It’s a-me: Mario. I send-ah the arms to-ah the bad guys.”

It’s just like that movie with J-Lo and Jane Fonda but with guns, prison, and a more sensible plot.

I hate you, Chuck, with the fire of a thousand suns. And let me tell you why.

I’ve put up with a lot from you. I fell in love with the show, even sunk so low as to be a ‘shipper for Chuck and Sarah, during the first couple of seasons. Granted, I wasn’t demanding your collective heads with every obstacle you put in front of them but I swelled with happiness, pure joy, as I watched these two crazy kids non-consummate their relationship in front of bombs, doped up on truth serum, on dates, and even rolling around together in a hotel room. I suffered the slow start to Season 3 and the subsequent cornball start to Season 4, only because the exits from your seasons have made up for so many episodes that would raise my ire.

Even though I consistently dish out hearty bowls of WTF on this blog for your show every week, you had to notice that some of those bowls were filled with love and devotion. I only pick on you because I care. I only want the best for you.

Don’t blow this for me.

You’re rolling up on the end of the season, possibly the series, which means you need to go out with a bang anyhow. Season 4 has been terribly inconsistent with astronomic highs that compete with the best of your early work and some pitiful lows that almost turned me off the series entirely. Though I suppose if I could stay through “vs The Honeymooners,” really, I can battle through anything. These last few episodes have looked promising if not up to the calibre I expect, nay, demand. But this crap — I can’t cotton to this. It’s not all bad but I’ll tell you this: the bad stuff was so infuriating that I had to go out and take a walk. And it’s raining outside. And I had to get some ice cream. So, while I sit here and eat my feelings, let me tell you what upset me so.

First of all, the Norseman device sounds like it should’ve been developed by Mikkos Cassadine. I knew that this thing would have to play a part sometime but I was hoping we’d just sweep it under the rug. Maybe use it as a token, something that’s super-powerful but gets to stay in the box, acting as some leverage that Team Chuck would have to react against (just like Vivian said). Actually using a weapon, however, that can detect a person’s DNA and attack them from anywhere on the planet crosses the line from goofy action-adventure to parody or farce. You have to suspend your disbelief a bit anyway for the premise of the show (the Intersect, how Castle operates with no one noticing the extreme drain on energy, how Jeff can take such much footage of Sarah but stay clueless as to all the times she’s disappeared into her several secret lairs) but this is too much.

Let me get the Morgan thing out of the way, too. I loved you when you brought Morgan into things. It was the perfect fix for having Chuck decide to abandon his “normal” life. All those scenarios you might had cooked up for Chuck learning how to be a real spy, the ones magically whisked away by Intersect 2.0, you could give Morgan. And to have someone under John Casey’s tutelage? It was like all my dreams came true. We’ve only seen whiffs of that, though. The trust between them has grown significantly (which I love) and Morgan has been going out on missions (also great and some good comedy beats) but Morgan is sent out on his first solo(ish) mission and he gets to do absolutely nothing. When the going gets tough, he depends on Spy-is-the-New-Superhero Casey to shoot him out of danger. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it didn’t feel like you could’ve stuck Lester in that position and gotten the same result. Nothing from Morgan’s tenure on Team Chuck exhibited itself during his mission. At least Chuck got to scream like a girl and do a bit of fencing on his first solo run.

And you killed off Ray Wise so unceremoniously. Tense situation that lasts for about fifteen seconds, boom, bullet in his chest, done. I’m used to you underutilizing your guest stars but that was upsetting.

Now, there were some things you did okay. Star Wars references were good. Mother/daughter-in-law conflict was not bad. Lester’s version of the rehearsal dinner video was spot on. I really do like Vivian’s big conflict over the course of the season. Her family was so screwed by the Bartowskis and I love things unfolding for her the way they have. I mean, I’m starting to hate the Bartowskis for what they did to her. It’s only amplified by the fact that we know Chuck really is trying to do the right thing but can’t get through since his kindness is obfuscated by subterfuge of her advisor and the elder Bartowskis themselves. Though she hasn’t been around as much as I would like her to be, I think Vivian’s struggle this season and animosity for her perceived enemies is pretty great.

Which brings us to our twist ending. Or quasi-twist ending anyway. That there is more than one Norseman in the world is kind of freaking ridiculous. I mean, even General Hospital only had one weather machine. Then there was mock-tension Chuck felt for his mother. If you were a villain and you really wanted to hurt your overly-sensitive enemy, who would want to kill: a cold-exterior mother who’s been absent for the past twenty years or the woman this enemy is about to marry? Chuck thinks it must be ma but, clearly, that person should be Sarah and I love that you went there. You could’ve passed it off on Ellie or Morgan or someone else. But to actually have Vivian attack Sarah with her nonsensical device takes some balls and I applaud that. Here’s my trouble though.

I know you’re not going to kill Sarah. That would be preposterous, particularly if you’re crossing your fingers for Season 5. But the Norseman was able to knock out the Council of Doom: Sotheby’s Contingent in about ten seconds. How are you going to explain Sarah not dying?

One option: the Norseman doesn’t really kill anyone. It just makes the “record skip.” Yeah, Sarah’s traveling through time. I mean, that’s the only reason you would show the nosebleed, right? Because you’re referencing LOST? Sarah meets Orion in 30 years earlier, they give Vivian a trinket or something to remember her by, and then Sarah gets back to her original time after Orion blasts her with his Norseman prototype he’s been developing (but had no idea it worked until Sarah told him about it, BTTF-style). Sarah reminds Vivian of the trinket and they all forgive each other. Just in time for the wedding.

What? Like your way is going to be any less ridiculous?

Here’s all I’m saying: there is more doom and gloom about the show’s renewal prospects than ever before (even though there are rumors swirling around that NBC’s even thinking about bringing the original Law & Order back — so they might not want to see another hole in the schedule) and this coming episode needs to be powerful. It doesn’t just need to work. It needs to knock our socks off. It needs to be “I know kung-fu.” It needs to be Orion shot in a subway tunnel. It needs to be what makes Chuck special. What I’m hoping is that this penultimate episode was flat just to get some stuff out of the way. Find some way to put Sarah in peril just before the wedding and then never even mention how she got there during the finale. We can just forget that whole thing happened and concentrate on the emotional power of what may very well be the last time we hang out with these characters.

That’s why I hate you, Chuck. I hate you because I love you and you might ruin everything for me. I don’t know if it’s because you feel so much pressure in ending things or if the burden of this story is just too much to bear but — just don’t blow it. Is that too much to ask?

Other things:

• Sarah has been getting some great little moments this latter half of the season, from Flash face to the stripper scene last week. When Chuck saves Morgan from the twinkle lights and Sarah does a proud, little “Impressive, isn’t it?” shrug in response to Awesome’s amazement, it makes me smile. And then it makes me frown a little bit. We’re supposed to believe that Sarah would love Chuck even without his superpowers. But would she? If Chuck were to be regular Chuck again, would she still love him the same? I know he was without the Intersect for the life of a mayfly earlier this season but that would be something I’d like to explore a little better.
• Related: do you think the Kama Sutra is loaded into the Intersect? It would be helpful in the event of sexpionage, right? Did I just start a thousand pens writing that fan-fiction? Who am I kidding? Like I’m the first person to think about Chuck using the Intersect to pleasure Sarah. And it’s probably not even Sarah. Chuck/Morgan slash-fiction?
• Casey wanting to take care of Morgan for Alex’s sake (and, ostensibly, his own) is a nice little culmination of their friendship over the course of the season. Alex has been a little underused, however. Her part has essentially been distilled to kissing Morgan, telling him she loves him, and hanging around Casey’s apartment. In fact, she might be the only person welcome in any of the homes in Echo Park to not have clearance into Castle. Chuck, time to get on that! There’s more implication into your dangerous espionage life to be done!
• Were we supposed to believe that the guards would accept Sarah as a totally believable cave guard in Volkoff’s army? Did you look around at the rest of them? Not exactly a diverse bunch.
• Morgan’s Italian impression: so amazing. “It’s a-me — Mario!” Also, fun fact: “la barba” in Italian means “beard.”
• Sebastian Carlyle gag wins.
• Jeff’s heartfelt video and Ellie’s on-the-mouth kiss: also win.
• Sarah’s nosebleed reminded me of Charlotte all over again and it made me mad. Man, did I hate Charlotte. I laughed when she died. But then I appreciated her in the flash-sideways.
• How did they not think to invite Beckman? Rude.