Monsters of Television

Since nothing happened this week on TVD, let's remember the reason it is never a bad show, even when not good.

I really, really hate to write this. I’m serious, this is tough. These reviews take time, effort, and patience. I don’t enter into them lightly. So when I have to write a rather negative one, it bums me out. I don’t do this to bitch and moan—rather, I am excited about this show and I always want it to be good. For reals.

But this week? The Vampire Diaries was not terribly good. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t like the premiere of Perfect Couples (wretched) or the awfulness that was the DC season of Top Chef (frustrating) or the finale of Rubicon (hah—wrote that just to annoy Noel). No, wait, it may be a bit like the finale of Rubicon, because that most excellent show failed to deliver…something happening. We didn’t get answers, the plot didn’t advance enough, there was little satisfaction after a season of questions. This week’s TVD was sorta like that. Before you freak out, I’m going to give a brief diagnosis of this week’s problem. Then I’ll offer a few more elaborate thoughts. Then you can tell me why I’m wrong. I welcome it. I want this show to be good. And I’m not always right. [Note: I wanted to rewatch parts of the episode so I could confirm my opinion, but my DVR decided not to record the show, so what we have is my reaction to first viewing alone.]

I’ve had to write something like this about TVD before—its pacing is a blessing and a curse. The show moves so fast that you sometimes wish it gave you a bit more time to savor the moment. Then when it slows down, you get annoyed that it didn’t deliver enough thrills. This week wasn’t quite like that. There were sparking lights, a big showdown, Damon dancing—all stuff that shows much potential for goodness. But the episode never came together. I kept waiting for the twist, for the reveal, for the stakes to raise. I can envision a review of this episode that thought this week delivered all that—the twist was the resurrection, the reveal was the Elena deception, and the stakes were seemingly life and death. But life and death becomes less meaningful when no one dies.

I’m the first person to admit I’ll be furious if Alaric gets killed off. His disappearance this week at the end of the episode has left a pit in my stomach—how is Klaus gonna leave Ric after he departs that body? But sometimes genuine loss can advance a story in a unique way. If there isn’t at least the risk that someone will go, then the tension never raises high enough to engage the audience fully.

Here’s what I expected the reveal to be (super spoilery—WARNING)—Bonnie was so committed to saving Elena that she was going to die for real. Not through some vague (unexplained) spell. But rather, she was going to die. Twist—she was going to die with Damon’s blood in her. So she’d be a witch and a vampire. Now, that would be loss. And stakes. And sacrifice.

But I’m not sure that is what happened. It seems they somehow found some magic way to save Bonnie. Well, if it was that freakin’ easy, then why all this talk about Bonnie having to die to defeat Klaus?

There may be more answers coming, but at this moment, the episode left me deflated. And that is not how TVD usually operates—this show is exhilarating, exciting, and always—fun! This week was just kind of lame. Can’t imagine a worse thing to say about it than that.

Klaus seemed to have an accent last week, but as the show opens this week, he is talking like Ric does. [I love Alaric so much, I’m not even going to comment more than that.] Klaus knows the dagger with white ash is keeping Elijah dead, and he likes it that way (foreshadowing, kids!). “That guy’s a buzzkill,” Klaus says, trying to endear me through his snide humor. Katherine has been compelled by Klaus to tell her all that she knows about Elena and others, and she’s not happy about it. “Please just kill me,” she begs, and you kinda wonder, does she mean it?

[Sidebar—the most interesting thing I read about Isobel’s death last week was that the writers purposefully used similar language before she died to when another random compelled dude killed himself—so we can’t be sure that she chose to die (as a sacrifice) instead of just fulfilling the last act of her compulsion. So, does Katherine want to die cause Klaus wants her to feel hopeless, depriving her of her usual lust for life? Ponder. Debate.]

Trying to figure out what Katherine may not know, Klaus lands on the question of Bonnie and her powers. Klaus decides to go out in the world (in Ric’s body) to lay his eyes on his doppleganger and investigate. Before he leaves, though, he orders Katherine to stab herself repeatedly in the leg. For the entirety of the time that he is gone. Wow. Katherine is kinda evil, but that’s harsh, dude. He informs Katherine that her death will last at least half as long as she has been running from him.

Elena, meanwhile, is signing papers that give her ownership of the Salvatore mansion [love my partner, but marrying him only gave me partial ownership of a puppy, whom I love, but the Salvatore mansion? Sweet. Nice work, Elena]. Bonnie, who is present for the signing, jokes that she wouldn’t want to clean the Salvatore house, which led me into a reverie about whether Bonnie was consciously referencing her slave ancestors, or the plight of women as primary homemakers, or what—all proving that I think too much. Damon and Stefan have their own sidebar, discussing how they will find Klaus and whether Katherine is dead. When they try to re-enter the house, they have to wait for Elena’s invite. Of course, she makes Damon wait for a moment, prompting his to ask, “what are we, 12?”

Matt is all anxious with Sheriff Forbes, and she begs him to stick with the plan because she needs time to think, to figure out what she is going to do. She asks Matt to take Caroline to the dance. Both Forbes and Matt are both super bummed, though, about everything they now know and what it may mean. Sheriff Forbes runs through the list of all the people in on the secret (Salvatores, Gilberts, Tyler, etc.) and complains, “there’s no one in this town that I can trust.” True ‘dat. We don’t yet know what the Sheriff has planned, but I’m guessing a heartbreaking scene with her dead daughter (whom she doesn’t seem to realize is Awesome Vampire Caroline, a way better character than annoying human Caroline).

Alaric/Klaus tries to teach a class on the 1960s, which is pretty funny. Kinda wish that scene had lasted longer, to be honest. Awesome Vampire Caroline runs into Matt, kisses him, and seems to notice nothing amiss. Jeremy and Bonnie sorta fight about whether she is going to kill herself, and she says that they don’t know for sure she is going to die (that’s like saying “we don’t know for sure that Katherine will betray us). Then a random girl comes up to Elena to tell her some hot guy will be looking for her at the dance. His name? Klaus. “He wants to know if you’ll save him the last dance.” [I love psychological torture. That was always Angelus’ specialty—old school evil vampire shit.]

Back at the Salvatore mansion, Ric/Klaus walks right in to the Salvatore mansion and is welcomed by all there. So he pretty much learns everything that they are planning [dude, Klaus is smart. He hasn’t been around forever for nothing.] During the talk, Damon decides to test Bonnie’s power by attacking her, so she shoots him across the room. Hasn’t he learned not to f with Bonnie? But she’s too bold, “I can kill him, Elena, I know I can,” Bonnie promises. And thus the episode sets up ENORMOUS expectations.

Ric/Klaus returns home to Katherine, annoyed. “This witch is all juiced up and aiming to kill.” Then he finds Alaric’s stash of creative weapons: “who is this guy, again?” Klaus’ witch promises him that he can make Ric’s body withstand the witch—at least for as long as it takes her to die from the effort to kill him. And if she kills Ric, who cares? [I care!]

Awesome Vampire Caroline is dressed as Jackie O for the school 60s dance—she’s super excited and super adorable. Matt shows up, as planned. And off they go. [Did I mention that nothing happens on this episode?  Remove all the scenes with Matt, the sheriff, and AVC, and you will lose nothing.]

Elena was excited about the dance, but all the Klaus stuff has her bummed.  At the dance, Ric starts dancing with random students, starting the first awkward dancing situation of the evening. He picks up a few random guys…for what, we don’t know…. Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his ring, but she says it won’t work on her because the writers’ are making up rules as they go…. Elena has arrived at the dance, and random girl offers Elena a special shout out from Klaus: the song “This is Dedicated to the One I Love.” Ric/Klaus is proud of himself, saying, “this guy is a little twisted,” but Damon insists he is not impressed.

People dance. Damon and Elena. Awesome Vampire Caroline and (a reluctant) Matt.  Damon and Elena.  Stefan pulls AVC aside to get her caught up, while Damon approaches Bonnie. Bonnie realizes Damon heard her and Jeremy talking, so he knows she may die to save Elena. This bothers Damon not at all [cause Damon is awesome]. They agree upon the one thing they can—to save Elena, they will do anything…”no matter what.” When Damon seems unsure, Bonnie jokes, “careful, Damon, I might think you actually cared.”

Jeremy and Stefan chat, with Jeremy revealing all. Stefan, of course, dutifully tells Elena, who pulls Bonnie aside to ask her why she didn’t tell Elena. They reach a sort of détente when Bonnie suggests Elena would do the exact same thing to save Elena [and I begin to wonder about all these kids who are perfectly willing to die for everyone else they know—must be due to the fact that they constantly interact with sentient (hot) dead people like the Salvatore brothers.  Clearly death ain’t that bad a thing.  But that’s a rant for another day].

All those random dudes that Ric collected gather around Jeremy and start to beat the crap out of him. Ric/Klaus finds Elena and Bonnie, warning that Klaus has Jeremy. They all run off together. Elena figures it out pretty quick that something is wrong with Ric [super kudos to this show for once again NOT making Elena as dumb as most TV heroines], but Klaus drags out the revea by complaining about the 60s: “Not my decade.” Then he tells Elena not to worry—he’s not here to kill her tonight. [Sorry, Bonnie, guess that means it is you.]  Bonnie, being all hopped up, talks trash, but Alaric reminds her she can kill Ric, and Klaus will just find another body. [Good point, dude.]

Realizing that Ric/Klaus is hopped up, too, protected by a spell from Klaus’ witch, the girls run out of the room and into the Salvatore Brothers (who have saved Jeremy, btw–lots of running around this week).  Damon asks Bonnie, “You still willing to do what it takes to kill him?” [Again, must bring up the issues of stakes. What DOES it take to kill him, Damon? This is not only unclear at the moment, but is also unclear at the end of the episode, as you will see below. Don’t build me up, TVD, if you aren’t planning to deliver yet.]

There’s a bunch of posturing during the big Ric/Klaus and Bonnie showdown. She breaks Ric’s hand and arm [Dude! He’s a teacher and probably needs to type…stop that, Bonnie!]. “Is that all you got” trash talk commences. “Let’s find out” is the reply as Bonnie makes lights flicker and go out, papers flutter, and otherwise messes way more with the room than Klaus. But we can see the strain because Bonnie’s nose is bleeding.

Damon tries to stop Elena from interfering, saying “let her do this.” Dramatic music with a choir chanting commences, so you really expect something big to happen. Bonnie gives Elena a dramatic look, blood running down her face. She says “goodbye” with her eyes. There’s one more big flash of light, and Bonnie collapses to the ground. Ric/Klaus just disappears. Bonnie’s not breathing.

And the viewer wonders what big shit has happened

The answer, unfortunately, is that very little has happened.

Elena is really upset. Damon offers to take care of Bonnie’s body, which he puts in a trunk [really?]. Jeremy appears as Damon closes the trunk, so Damon tells him, “we need to have a little talk.” Again, my expectations are RAISED!

Elena is even more upset, worrying Bonnie’s death is her fault. Then Damon arrives and Elena turns on him. “You knew?” she asks, indicating that Damon knew Bonnie would die facing Klaus. “Yes, I knew,’ Damon replies [cause he’s an awesome hunk of man]. Elena slaps him across the face. Damon won’t give up. “You need to listen to me, to prepare for what I am about to say…” [Again, my expectations go THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF. This reveal better be the most awesome of all time].  Guess what kids?  Bonnie isn’t dead.  Um, what?

So, Bonnie cast a spell so that she would die but not really. I think. And Damon needed Elena to sell it to Klaus, so he didn’t tell her. I think. But Bonnie is supposedly totally fine. And totally human. So basically….ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED ON THIS ENTIRE EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!

Klaus is still on the run, maybe still in Ric’s body unless the writers decide to move beyond that issue for no reason.  Bonnie is alive, still with her witchy powers, still ready to kill Klaus (okay, Klaus doesn’t know she’s alive, just like before he didn’t know whether she had her powers, so little changed there).  Elena is still with Stefan, Damon is still Damon…you get the picture.  If this were a chess game, all the pieces would have moved, but no one would have left the board, and all would have returned to their same places after.  Basically, least interesting chess game ever.

I can’t even get into the dénouement. There’s a particularly offensive product placement moment where Jeremy tries to help Bonnie and Elena make up by introducing them to Mifi.  [For real, CW? I know you are all adventurous with product placement, but to insert a corporate brand into what you want to be a tender moment? UNDERMINES THE ENTIRE THING!!]

Damon is all hyped up on his activities this episode. He talks tough to Stefan, “at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.” [Man, what happened to all that awesome stuff about Damon wanting to be human again, which is why he’s such a douche normally, which is why he decided to keep killing people? What about that COMPLETELY DROPPED SUBPLOT? Note to CW: don’t drop issues with Damon. It pisses off the Damon fans.]

Elena apologizes to Damon for hitting him, and the episode becomes even more lame than it already was. If she hates him, they can eventually fight, kiss, fuck, and it will be awesome. But a humble apology? NOT HOT AT ALL.

Damon, as always, has a good line; “Let me be clear about something. I will always choose you.” [Again, writers, that’s a big statement. I expect serious carnage as a result—like Damon lets Jeremy die so Elena can live. Now that would be twisted love. Let’s go there, maybe?]

My notes for this episode end with this, “why would she do that?!”  Guess what Elena does, kids?  She picks up another abandoned storyline and removes the dagger from Elijah.  Now, I kinda like Elijah now, so him being back is okay by me.  But at this point, I don’t see how this season has any kind of a flow.  It has been like traffic–you start moving finally, and then you have to stop again, and the end of nowhere in site.  You kinda forget where you are going, even.

It could be that next week we find out Bonnie did lose something this week–that the “death” cost her something.  It could be that Elijah coming back makes the show move forward, unlike when Katherine was hanging out at the Salvatore mansion for WEEKS doing nothing but saying kinda sexy, kinda threatening things.  After this week, I’m worried TVD is currently more about tone and style than about action.  Hope they fix that quickly.