Monsters of Television

Do I see a tear? God, I hope so, you sensitive beast.

The Vampire Diaries is back! The Vampire Diaries is back! Hey, did you hear, TVD is back!!  Okay, now that I have that out of my system, I can move on.

Hate to say it, though, not sure I loved this episode. I liked it. I mean, it featured the return of a character I really like and the departure of a character I really did not. There were two impulsive kisses, a sweet hug between Elena and Damon, and actual, sincere Damon tears! You’d think that would all add up to a truly excellent episode. So, let’s try to figure out why I’m not using as many exclamation marks for this particular episode as I would for the series as a whole.

I should also probably issue a small apology to poor, tortured Rose. I’ve been pretty mean to her, and I suppose I liked her character a teensy bit more this week. Sort of. Since she was dying from a werewolf bite, Rose was suddenly all philosophical and telling people to want to live and that kind of stuff. Not sure the character earned all the heartfelt conversation, but since Rose was basically used (and disposed) by the showrunners as a tool more than a character, I can appreciate her for the purpose she served with regard to Damon. Because Damon’s story is the only reason to celebrate this episode.  More about that after the jump.

We open with Jules, naked with blood around her mouth, in the woods. She stumbles through a camp, strewn with what look like body parts (not too gory, but still kind of edgy for this show). A cop pulls up, Jules pretends to be a scared camper, and then says so long to the cop, whom she quickly dispatches (hmmm, she’s apparently not too worried about killing humans—I presume the show will get into this more as we go?).

Stefan and Elena are all cute and cuddly until he brings up her mother. [quick aside: having recently rewatched Season One in its entirety, I can say that I won’t mind if Isabelle comes back—but only if she is really super evil. It is just so fun and perverse that she is such a “monumental disappointment.”] Stefan thinks Isabelle will know more information about Klaus and the originals—and he admits that he has no idea what it means to be an “original,” which is awesome. Oooh, “an original,” as if the word should mean anything to him or us. The show has not told us much about them, and I appreciate Stefan being sensitive to that. [another quick aside: the casting of Klaus is super duper important. I’m in the Dohring camp—how ‘bout you?). So off Stefan goes to find Ric to help him find Isabelle. And that is pretty much all we see of Stefan’s story this week until the episode’s final moments. Sorry, actor playing Stefan, hope you enjoyed some downtime on set this week.

Damon is caring for Rose, being a nice guy by lying to her that her gross, oozing wound is looking better. Elena chases after Damon, worried he’s struggling with Rose’s swift decline, but he replies, “the sooner she dies, the better. It’s gloomy as hell in here.”

Tyler sees Awesome Vampire Caroline across the parking lot as the kids around them prepare for the Booster Club Barbecue. Their small smiles are sweet—they are happy to see each other. Tyler tries to tell Awesome Vampire Caroline thank you, saying he doesn’t know how he would have gone through his first transition without her. Awesome Vampire Caroline is as shocked as the audience at this seemingly sincere declaration from self-proclaimed jerk Tyler (I love him, really I do), and she stumbles a bit before she accidentally reveals that she’s lucky he didn’t get a chance to bite her cause that would have been it for her. Tyler, understandably, wants to know where she learned this particular piece of vampire-werewolf lore, but their conversation is interrupted by world’s most boring character…aka, Matt. He says some boring things and then kisses Caroline, who pushes him away, “you can’t,” she stutters and runs off.

We next see Jules asking Sherrif Forbes about Mason. I think this was a bit of a red herring. Jules—the werewolf—with the sherrif! It should have been a scene, but really, it was nothing. For all her menace, Jules did very little during this episode. Everyone was too busy waiting for Rose to croak for anything to happen, I guess…

Rose jokes that she hasn’t had a cold in 500 years (awesome) and then notices that Elena is glancing around her. “This is your first time in Damon’s room?” she says, somewhat surprised. So, what’s in our favorite dark vampire’s room? Um, a copy of Gone with the Wind (for reals? That better be a joke. A sparking white bath tub (now, sure the thought of Damon naked is great, but in a bathtub surrounded by bubbles? Hmmm). Oh, and a bunch of art on the walls. The room is pretty elegant, actually. Elena jokes to cover her surprise, “its just a room with a bed… maybe I expected there to be silk sheets.”

Rose mumbles some nonsense about how lucky Elena is to be loved the way she is (note: she doesn’t mention who loves Elena—hint hint). Then Rose gets tough, telling Elena she is giving up by dealing with Elijah [okay, I admit it. I have forgotten what the heck was the deal with Elijah. Guess I better go reread my own post about the last episode]. Rose also points out that Bonnie may not have destroyed the moonstone, and Elena admits that she has thought about that since she knows Bonnie may have been with Elijah’s witch when she tried to destroy it [Elena gets to show all kinds of smarts this episode—I love when that happens]. Then Rose starts to hallucinate, coughs up some blood, and attacks Elena cause she thinks she is Katherine. Elena gets Rose back to her senses, and an exhausted Rose sighs about the time she wasted during her life, “just wish I hadn’t been so afraid.”

On his way to find Isabelle, Stefan runs into Damon, and being the sensitive guy he is, says, “I know you are upset about Rose.” Damon, being determinedly insensitive, asks why everyone thinks he’s upset about Rose? That said, Damon still confronts Jules, promising not to kill her if she gives him a cure. “Bite me,” she replies. I don’t like Jules, but that was a darn good comeback.

Are you getting the sense that this episode mostly featured characters hurrying up to do nothing? Everything just seemed in a holding pattern. Made the episode feel like an hour-long funeral for Rose. If Rose had been an interesting character (or one that had been on the show for more than a few episodes, perhaps), this long pause for her may have made sense. As it is, it showed a strange departure from TVD’s normal rocket ship pacing.

Luckily, the best part of the episode comes next.  Finding Rose missing, Elena discovers her gorging on blood in the cellar. Rose, hopped up on human V, attacks Elena. But our heroine demonstrates an incredible presence of mind throughout this scene. First, she opens a curtain, exposing Rose’s wounded body to sunlight. Then, she sticks her fingers into Rose’s festering wound, and finally Elena ends up barricaded in a room, where she opens wide the doors to the sun-filled balcony and sits, ready, with a stake. Good girl, Elena.

Another boring scene with Awesome Vampire Caroline and Matt (man, he makes me flashback to the days when Caroline’s character used to suck as much as his). Blah blah blah, Awesome Vampire Caroline admits that she loves Matt, blah blah blah, he wants to know what she is keeping from him…random cheerleader interrupts. Matt is either world’s unluckiest guy, or Awesome Vampire Caroline is world’s luckiest girl.

Back to Elena in the house, leaving her hiding place, searching for a delirious Rose. This scene is actually scary, as Elena turns each corner with care. In the end, she finds that Rose has left the house, and then Elena runs into Damon (what took him so long to get home—I mean, really?).

Rose is on a rampage. She kills a poor janitor, and then stalks a couple, killing both of them. Damon and Elena find her, calm her down, and Damon carries her home. It would be sweet if I didn’t agree with Rose that Damon should just put her out of her misery. “Make it stop,” she pleads.

Back at the house, Damon tries to make Rose feel better: “you went on a murderous rampage—it happens.” As Rose drones on, though, we finally get to see that something sucks about being a vampire—a recurring theme in these write-ups and something about which I think the show has failed to think enough.  Turns out, Rose doesn’t like wanting to kill people. “That’s the worst part about [being a vampire]—the hunt, the need to kill, the thirst, the pleasure it brings you afterwards. I wasn’t meant to be evil. It hurts.” She goes on to say that Damon is like her (God, I hope not…er, sorry), wanting to care. Then she again reminds Elena that she needs to fight. “You never forget it—what it is like to be human,” Rose whispers.

Tyler waits for Awesome Vampire Caroline at her house. “We need to talk,” he says, and I am so excited about the two of them that I actually want to hear their talk. He wants to know why should would help him when he could have killed her: “I don’t understand you, Caroline.” She gives him a big speech, “why is it so hard for you to let someone help you?…I’m sorry I cared…” and he kisses her, and it is great. Until Awesome Vampire Caroline pushes him away with a “you can’t do that.” God, must suck to be Awesome Vampire Caroline, with all these guys grabbing her all the time. Poor thing. “Everyone just needs to stop kissing me,” she complains. And that is one reason why she is Awesome Vampire Caroline.

Back with a dying Rose, Damon promises her, “I’m not nice. I’m mean, and I like it.” Then we cut to what seems a super dumb flashback of Rose in the 15th century, surrounded by a field and horses. The flashback becomes less dumb when we see Damon in modern dress and realize he is controlling her mind with a dream that returns Rose to her home in England. Rose admits, “I miss being human. I had a family, friends…I mattered.” She forces Damon to see that he matter now, because he has built a life, whether he wants to admit it or not. Rose wonders whether she will be able to see her family when she’s gone. Damon assures her, “I think you will see whomever you want to see.” Rose challenges him to a race and counts to three, at which point Damon stabs her with a stake. A tear runs down his cheek, and it is quite lovely.

Jules sits down with Tyler—and finally her presence at the grill all day (doing nothing) makes sense—she was waiting. She tells him that she knows about him—and about Awesome Vampire Caroline. He’s surprised, and she also tells him Caroline is not the only vampire in town. Jules, too, is surprised–to learn that Tyler is brand new.  She promises to help him: “this town is crawling with vampires, but don’t worry, we’ll get them. There are others like us, and they are on their way.” [Dum dum dah…]

Damon somehow finds the time to mourn, show the Sheriff Rose’s dead body so she knows the rampaging vampire has been stopped, bury Rose, and still return home in time to see Elena. She wants him to admit he is hurting: “Damon, you’re so close, don’t give up.” To which he replies, “I feel, Elena, ok? And it sucks. What sucks even more is that it was supposed to be me.” “You feel guilty,” Elena says. “That would be human of me,” he snarls, “but I’m not human….You’re one to talk about giving up—all you’ve done is give up.” Elena awkwardly hugs Damon—and for a moment, he allows himself to feel, about to cry. But when she pulls away, his face is stony. [Is there anything better than a super wounded bad boy? God, I love the CW.]

Elena arrives home to find Stefan. He didn’t find Isabelle. But guess who he did find?????? Uncle John!!!!!! Hooray!!!! Sark is back.

Last scene, and it is a doozy.

Damon lies on the ground in the middle of the street. A young woman in a car stops, gets out to see if he needs help. I’ll just give you the whole speech, cause you know you watched it several times already and probably want to read it again…or maybe, that’s just me.

“I’m lost…Not that kind of lost—metaphorical, existential. (Do you need help?) Yes, I do. Can you help me?…Please don’t leave. I really do need help. (I don’t want any trouble). Neither do I, but that’s all I got…I have a secret. I have a big one, and I’ve never said it out loud. I mean, what’s the point? It’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to make me good, make me adopt a puppy. I can’t be what other people want me to be—what she wants me to be. This is who I am… (Are you going to hurt me?) I’m not sure. Because you…you’re my existential crisis: do I kill you, do I not kill you? (Please…don’t…) But I have to…because I’m not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret, but there is only so much hurt a man can take.”  Pause.  “Okay, you are free to go.” She runs to her car.  But we know better, don’t we?

Damon turns, grabs her, drains her, and the camera freezes on his face, mouth bloody, eyes dead.

Okay, that last part was a rather melodramatic flourish. Sorry. ☺

Basically this entire episode is about people being annoyed that Elena is doing nothing. So we all had to sit through an episode that featured a lot of talk about doing nothing. Not world’s most dramatic subject matter. I think I’m figuring out where this episode went wrong.

Here’s what this episode should have done. The entire episode should have been first person—from Damon’s point of view. Seeing how he viewed Rose would maybe have made her bearable. Watching him watch Elena would have invited us to see his love for her in a new way. Observing as Damon looks at himself—that would have been incredible. Since the payoff of this episode was Damon—why not just make the entire thing about him? And let’s be honest—isn’t he the #1 reason why we watch this show (sorry, Top 10 list at AVClub, you got it wrong.  Ian at #1!).

In sum, the pacing was off, action was minimal (“action” defined as something that forwards the A-level plot), and we saw very little interaction between our main characters. I think the show knows that Tyler and Awesome Vampire Caroline are a force. I’m super excited to see where that goes. The sidelining of Stefan this week was odd—sort of an acknowledgement that Damon needs to be up front more (I agree). Not getting to see Isabelle would have been more disappointing had Uncle John not returned (way better actor than the lady playing Isabelle, anyway). No Jeremy. No Bonnie (thank God). Too little Awesome Vampire Caroline. And too much Jules being all talk, no action. But we saw Damon cry and then kill someone in a brutal way. The Vampire Diaries is back.  Shame it came back only at the very last minute–and only on the (capable and overburdened) shoulders of the brilliant Ian Somerhalder.