Monsters of Television

“It’s the only thing we’re actually allowed to do together.”

“Hi. My name is Eric. I like young girls.”

Is Eric not icky to anyone else?

Sorry to pull out such an advanced term but Eric is disgusting. Between dating the Lux surrogate and constantly finding himself in compromising positions with a 16-year old, the words he chokes out about things being inappropriate and how he has to steer clear from Lux’s wiles are empty to his actions. And I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: Eric being two shots away from going where only a kid named Bug has gone before or the Lux and Eric ‘shipper tweets I see on the #LUX hashtag. Don’t these people watch E! Investigates? Do they think “the man” is getting in the way the “true love” depicted in the “Hot for Teacher” special?

And seriously, why can’t Math help Lux out? It doesn’t make sense, people. HE LIVES IN THE SAME HOUSE. Math! Come on, man! Save your best friend’s daughter from being molested.

Beyond Mr Daniels being — icky — the rest of the episode is dedicated to one history-revisionist storyline and another painfully obvious one. Cate and Ryan whine about a non-issue and Baze actually treads on some icky territory of his own. All of which is contained in another convenient coincidence where all the adults, for different reasons, are “staycationing” at the same hotel. What are the odds?

Seriously, how many times are these people going to stumble into situations with each other? If Cate’s not looking for Baze or Baze isn’t looking for Cate, they somehow coincidentally gather in the same place, even if they really don’t want to hang out together. I know they need to invent reasons for them to be in the same place at the same time, especially when it comes to Ryan and Baze talking (the guys aren’t exactly going out once a week to have a beer together) but they have to run out of situations sometime, right? Portland must be the smallest town ever.

Happily, the static between the newlywed couple and Baze is brief as it’s resolved in the first act. But, to be fair, they needed more time to revise the show’s history. Life Unexpected has been dropping little hints of intrigue throughout the season like Lux’s past with a mysterious foster mother that seems to still want her and, of course, Ryan’s phone conversation with a woman named Julia. Julia also gave Cate and Ryan a crystal vase and happened to appear in one of their wedding photos. This sparks some discussion, something Ryan wants to hide. But the truth is far more disappointing than the what you probably cooked up in your head as you watched.

Yes, he slept with her. But on one of the nights that he and Cate were on a break. Since he essentially does the same thing to Cate that she did to him, you would think that, if this was the plan the whole time, Ryan would be able to show forgiveness sooner. After all, he’s demonstrated time and time again to the have patience and understanding that allows him to weather the crapstorm that is Cate Cassidy. But we put that aside, maybe he’s a more possessive person than we thought, maybe Baze being the father of Lux is more of a threat. The egregious revision of the history is stealing the emotional impact of Ryan’s state at the wedding.

Throughout the episode with the wedding (“Love Unexpected”), the thread throughout was Lux wanting her biological parents together while Ryan was constantly kept on the outside, possibly never enjoying the connection Baze happened into. It was a rare bit of emotional tension for the show, given that most of the time things like this are evoked in overly articulate conversations on Baze’s patio or in screaming matches. Ryan’s slow burn of admitting something he may never have and letting it go if that’s it’s course was almost moving. His conversation with Lux on the matter was a decent piece of character building for both characters. So to rob that scene in order to build false tension for this storyline, to make him less about him being abandoned and more about worry over being a baby-daddy to someone that’s not Cate, is not only disappointing but a little vexing. Revising history for no good reason is no way to treat your fans. Just ask Lost.

So to what end is all this Nicky-and-Paolo-ing? So Cate and Ryan can argue about whether or not they would’ve cancelled the wedding. This is a non-issue. Plain and simple. They didn’t cancel the wedding. They’ve been relatively happy since they got married. In fact, they betrayed each other in the same exact way. But they have it out anyway and they stop talking to each other. They ruin their staycation over it. It’s completely ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, is Baze so smitted by Emma that he can’t see the “other guy” she used to see that was also “unavailable” was Pops? The reason why it’s wrong on so many levels? I guess it’s believable but we could see this coming a mile away. Making that kiss possibly sweeping to some that haven’t considered what Emma was saying but completely gross if you know what they’re driving at. He’s looking to put his penis where his dad has, on several occasions, put his penis. Once Baze finds out, I really hope there’s a scene like when Ace Ventura finds out Einhorn is a man. Baze crying in the shower, watching his clothes burn nearby. But at least he’s not about to sleep with a sixteen-year old.

After being the guy that constantly puts himself in compromising positions with Lux, finally he did the thing he should’ve done immediately after discovering she was a student in high school. He cuts off all times to Portlands most deranged family and gets her a new tutor. I would say good on him but he leaves this horrible legacy of gross. He admits the only reason why he’s tutoring her is so he can be close to her and stay legal. He breaks up with Paige, telling her that he has feelings for someone else. He has that horrible haircut that’s burned into our minds. Sure, he’s made the first move to stop playing Lux’s underaged reindeer games but still makes sure that it’ll get back to her that he wants to put the moves on her. Only professional ethics and statutory rape laws stand in the way of their love. Just gross.

Other stuff:

• As soon as Cate said “crystal vase” and Ryan looked sheepish about who it was from, we all knew that thing was going to find its way to the hardwood somehow.
• Seriously, Lux/Eric ‘shippers. Think about what you’re hoping for.
• Although fans being sold on this relationship is part of the adultification (word?) of Lux. The people in charge sell her to the audience as being more of a grown-up than she is, further emphasizing the immaturity of those vested with raising her. Cate and Baze were soft on her spending the night with Bug. Paige makes her a martini cocktail for movie night, which is just the latest in drinks Lux has comfortably consumed over the course of the show. While the latter might be chalked up to normal teenage experimentation with alcohol (and a gag to show how irresponsible Paige is), the former demonstrates an interesting amount of freedom. Maybe the viewers have been conditioned to think that Lux is sort of ageless so the difference between her and Eric isn’t as great as it might look on paper.
• Where was Math this episode? I would imagine he’d put the kabash on the whole Eric and Lux thing as soon as he saw them together on the couch.
• I’ve just been notified that adultification is totally a word.
• Baze giving Emma a mix CD? That pathetic even for Baze. How far the mighty have fallen.