Monsters of Television

Let's be honest--here's the star of "Vampire Diaries".

Warning: there will be spoilers in this review, but only after the jump.

Non-spoilerly assessment: The Vampire Diaries came out kicking tonight. To be super masculinist (and I’m a girl and a feminist, so I hate to be masculinist, but if the phrase fits…), the characters all grew balls. If this is what a world with Katherine is like, then I never want her to leave.

Few more non-spoilery words: Stefan? Stopped moping. Damon? Heartbreaking. Bonnie? Working hard to come out of Willow’s very large shadow. Jeremy? Maybe is about to stop whining. Well, you can’t win them all. I may even start to care about Tyler’s storyline—who knew?

Vampire Diaries, how do I love thee…let me count the ways…

Let’s start at the beginning with the first few moments of extreme satisfaction. And the spoilers begin……NOW!

Stefan slapped Jeremy—‘bout time, I say. Kid really needed to be slapped. How can they redeem this character? After last season, I was really hoping he would become a vampire. Now, I think he is more likely to take over where Uncle John left off (moment of silence for the still alive but likely no longer part of the program Mr. Sark…er, Uncle John). But I guess an active Jeremy is better than a whiny, annoying Jeremy.  Later, Elena said informs Stefan that told Jeremy about Katherine because “I can’t lie to him anymore.” Praise the Lord, Elena has seen the light. Maybe Jeremy won’t suck this season.

Stefan’s awesomeness continued…probably should mention that I’m a Damon girl. If there is a brooding bad boy dying to be redeemed, I’m for him. Angel, Pacey, Noel (well, he wasn’t bad, but he was the underdog)…I have a history with these guys. So naturally, I’m for Damon. But more than that…pretty much after the awesome love scene between Elena and Stefan when they first did “it,” he’s been downhill. That whole sucking blood thing failed to make him more interesting, even. I mean, the guy was whipped and dull. But now?

Now, Stefan is getting cool. Even as his brother declines, Stefan grows taller. Seriously, he gained two inches this week. First, there was the aforementioned slap. Then there was the fact that he knew, when Damon did not, that Katherine was not Elena. Maybe she had him tricked for a second, but that was it. Good move on the part of the writers—immediately endeared me to a couple that was not so endearing.

Then, after confronting her dad and getting nowhere, Elena leaves Stefan alone with a hospitalized Uncle John. Stefan is annoyed because John won’t tell them why Katherine has returned. So Stefan bites himself and forces John to drink his blood (yes, I’m serious—this is wimpy Stefan being tough!) and tells John that he has 24-hours (the amount of time it will take the blood to leave his system) to leave town. Otherwise, Stefan will kill him, essentially turning him into a self-loathing vampire. Wow—Stefan, you man you. I am seeing you with entirely new eyes tonight.

Heck, even Bonnie got kind of cool. She was super egotistical with Damon, warning, “I’m going to take you out.” And when Damon balked, she actually managed to cause him some pain by scrunching her eyes. Neat trick. Later, she touched Katherine and immediately figured out the gig was up. That trick has always been cool. When Katherine later attacked her and proved the scrunching of the eyes thing didn’t work on her, Bonnie got clever and instead forced the doors to open, exposing Katherine’s teeth to a crowd of Lockwood mourners before she could kill Bonnie.

Sidebar—why can Katherine walk in the daylight? I mean, how many of these magical rings exist?

What followed from here was the first part of “Let’s tear Damon’s heart out,” a three-part series that the episode unveiled tonight. In part one, Damon and Elena talk about his assumption that it was Elena that kissed him at the end of last season. She tells him, “I’m not surprised that you kissed me. I’m surprised that you thought I’d kiss you back.” Ouch. Damon replies, “Now I’m hurt.” And Somerhalder barely voiced this above a muffled whisper, making it hard to hear but also more piercing.

Back to Stefan being awesome. Katherine wants him to follow her. Stefan brushes aside her outstretched hand but listens as she toys with him about whether his infatuation with Elena actually means he is still in love with her. His response? “You’re the same lying, selfish, manipulative bitch that you’ve always been.” She says she came back for him. His response? “The problem is, Katherine, that I hate you.” So she stabs him.

I mean, really, does it get better than this? Yes, it does!

Part 2 of tearing out Damon’s heart.  Stefan has been talked out of beating Damon up for kissing Elena. In part because Elena told him not to. But more because Katherine has him freaked out. Stefan has figured out that forcing a divide between he and Damon is Katherine’s greatest weapon. And he has figured out one other thing, clever boy that he is—Damon cares about Elena. Genuine care. Something Stefan thought impossible with Damon. Stefan refuses to fight Damon, “I’m not going to let Katherine destroy that part of you that after all this time is willing to feel something.”

Cut to Jeremy (yes, annoying Jeremy) with a packing Uncle John, having a chat about vampires and the family legacy. Why is it that Uncle John can be tender with Jeremy but not with Elena? Fascinating. Anyway, Uncle John apparently feels badly for killing Jeremy’s vampire girlfriend—he tells Jeremy that he was taught to hate vampires from early on. Jeremy asks him about the ring, and John assures Jeremy that at some point he, too, will be called to respond to the family legacy. End of scene. [Karen thinks, man, why isn’t he giving Jeremy that ring?]

There’s some stuff about Tyler, which I know I said was sort of interesting, but really, it is Tyler’s black sheep Uncle Mason that is interesting. Arriving in some sort of hunting all-terrain truck, Mason is…well, he’s super hot. Not in a femme kind of vampire way. But in a beast kind of way (not as beastly as Alcide on True Blood, but I have hope). As Tyler starts trashing photos of his dad, angry that dad was a sonofabitch, Mason calms him down. Says the family curse must be controlled. Yep, I’m excited to see where this goes.

And now, I must discuss my baby, Damon. Ah, Damon. So confident. So cocky. So broken. Dang.

He gets in one good dig at Katherine: “Don’t pout, it’s not attractive on a woman your age.” But then he ravishes her until he stops and tries to ask the one question that can make him forget 145 years of longing… She doesn’t let him ask. She knows the question and the answer. “The truth is I’ve never loved you. It was always Stefan.” Ouch. Again.  That was part 3 of tearing out Damon’s non-beating heart.

Cut to Damon in Elena’s room, looking devastated. You guessed it–part 4.  He tells Elena, “You’re the lier, Elena, there is something going on between the two of us.” She tells him, “it was always Stefan.” So? Damon snaps Jeremy’s neck.

Yes, I’m serious! It was completely awesome. Of course, Jeremy was wearing Uncle John’s ring (surprise!), so he’s not dead. But now Elena’s compassion for Damon is.

One final shock? Katherine walks into a magically recovered Caroline’s hospital room. Caroline has been healed by Damon’s blood. So you know what that means. Katherine suffocates her. Guessing Caroline is joining our boys in eternal life next week. Poor Sheriff Forbes.

So, yeah. Eventful premiere. Well done.  Cannot wait for next week.  And isn’t that exactly what a premiere should do?