Monsters of Television

After too long of a wait Sharktopus is finally here.

Bullets cannot stop the Sharktopus

Needless to say, we’ve been looking forward to this for a while.

The entire impetus for this blog was based on a unplanned live tweet of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, so we were thrilled when Syfy announced it would be merging the two together into a beast of beach destruction. It did not disappoint.

One of the pleasures of Syfy Originals is their sheer campiness. It makes mocking them that much easier. But when the production is well done, like it is here, it’s a lot easier to enjoy the film and (sometimes) a little harder to mock it. Sharktopus is of better quality than some of the other recent monster mashes, and it wisely doesn’t let its plot get in the way (too much).

As always, lines are timestamped so you if you’re watching on your own, you can follow along with us.

Noel [9:01]: Oh, Roger. You know how to make an appropriate toned intro. … AND A THEME SONG!

Noel [9:02]: See, American Government? TEXTING SAVES LIVES. AT THE BEACH.

Nick [9:02]: Was that theme song by The Ettes? [Actually, it’s by the Cheetah Whores. — Nick]

Nick [9:04]: Yes. Sharktopus to the rescue!

Noel [9:06]: Oh, silly scientists. Don’t you know you can’t control monsters? Life, after all, finds a way.

Nick [9:06]: What happened to S1-10?

Noel [9:07]: Eric Roberts is a creepy dad. As well [should be “we all” –Noel] knew, deep down, he would be.

Nick [9:08]: That’s one disappointed (and still creepy) papa.

Nick [9:10]: “Oh no! Not like this!” I can’t believe they splattered CG blood on the camera.

Noel [9:10]: That command is threatening Eric Roberts with castration? Bold.

Noel [9:12]: Eric Roberts may not have much talent, but he has the most amazing head of hair.

Nick [9:15]: “Sorry, sweetheart. I just came to lurk, not tangle with a Japanese fetish.”

Noel [9:19]: Is that guy supposed to be Peter Fonda? Because it would be way more awesome if it was.

Nick [9:20]: Is … is the investigative reporter making it rain?

Noel [9:20]: Obviously Reporter Lady went through journalism school as a stripper, the way she was splashing those bills around.

Nick [9:22]: Genre trope — vignettes that end in horrible death to establish monster. Sharktopus change-up: deaths are anticlimactic.

Noel to Nick [9:23]: They’re against climate? I think you mean they’re anticlimactic.

Nick [9:23]: Bungee jumper got greedy.

Nick to Noel [9:26]: You’re going to get me on a typo? Really? 😉

Noel to Nick [9:27]: I hope Sharktopus eats you. After skewering you.

Nick [9:28]: Eric Roberts is so awesome that he had a Brit[i]sh daughter.

Nick [9:31]: The alert said Sharktopus is armed and dangerous? Like with a knife?

Noel [9:32]: As per our requirements: Is the Sharktopus really the super version of the Emerald Weapon?

Nick [9:33]: Requirements to be a female actor in Sharktopus — can you wear a bikini? Do you look good wet? You’re hired!

Nick to Noel [9:34]: Quick! Equip Mime and Knights of the Round!

Noel [9:36]: Doing yoga on a beach like that seems counterproductive…

Nick [9:37]: Sharktopus makes Smoke Monster noises. Just like every Syfy monster.

Nick [9:38]: She probably would’ve seen him coming if she’d moved into downward dog.

Nick [9:40]: You’d think with all the development that went into Sharktopus that they’d make an alternative, not-bleeding food source for it.

Noel to Nick [9:43]: I don’t think that Vegan Sharktopus has the same ring to it.

Nick [9:45]: “There’s something you should see on TV. NCIS is on. Mark Harmon does Eric Roberts better than you.”

Noel [9:46]: “My father is a man of science! And prone to incest. But it was for science!

Nick [9:47]: Is her station run by a super-villain?

Noel [9:49]: Okay. Pez looks Peter Fonda, but is clearly meant to be Bruce Campbell. This guy is a disappointment since he’s neither.

Noel [9:56]: Destination Truth guy doesn’t make me want to watch his show. Perhaps x-promo should’ve been with girl from Capirca?

Nick [9:56]: I think I liked Pumpkin better “glasses on, hair up.”

Nick [9:58]: Sharktopus is part Wookie.

Nick [10:00]: I have a feeling Pez has a better chance of Stacy biting the Sharktopus.

Nick [10:00]: What is happening? Is this 24?

Noel [10:02]: Daughter’s British accent is all over the globe.

Nick [10:03]: Toss keys, flip hair, I mean business.

Noel [10:04]: Well, that wasn’t a metaphor for something.

Nick [10:11]: Sharktopus eats punks for breakfast.

Noel [10:11]: Sharktopus stands up for the rights of rich yuppies to fish undisturbed!

Nick [10:18]: Sharktopus also has little appreciation for non-believers.

Noel [10:18]: Sharktopus found Capt. Jack’s lack of faith disturbing.

Nick [10:20]: Oh, he got a fish. Slash mollusk.

Noel [10:24]: Um. Why doesn’t Flynn use the grenade launcher? I mean, it’s right there. Begging to be used. Kind of like Nicole!

Nick to Noel [10:26]: Because then they’d have 30 minutes to kill and SyFy said no to a Roger Corman’s request for a sexy party ending.

Noel [10:29]: Real alternate title for Sharktopus: Faster Sharktopussy! Kill! Kill! (Yes, I know that’s a Russ Meyer movie, not a Corman one.)

Noel [10:32]: Guy playing Flynn is no Will Smith when it comes to shooting CGI monsters.

Nick [10:33]: How about we stop hitting it with the machine gun and hit it with the device?

Nick [10:34]: Eric Roberts’s death better be spectacular.

Nick [10:36]: Oh, here’s that dance competition the Destination: Truth guys tossed to AN HOUR AGO.

Nick [10:38]: I admire the guy’s tenacity to stay on the stilts while running from Sharktopus. That’s commitment.

Nick [10:41]: And Sharktopus admires tenacity. Stilts man, you will be spared on this day.

Noel [10:45]: Uh-oh. Guys in black shirts and sunglasses! IT’S THE FEDS!

Nick [10:47]: Sharktopus has eight arms. Why is he only attacking with one or two at a time?

Noel [10:47]: Aw. Eric Roberts was redeemed a little bit before he died. That’s kind of sweet.

Nick [10:49]: “I love you, pumpkin.” ::dies:: “Oh, no. ::sniff, sniff:: Don’t call me that.”

Noel [10:52]: Sharktopus has more décolletage than Katy Perry on Sesame Street. [The fall-out from that video, in case you missed it. — Nick]

Nick [10:52]: SS Titanic. Is that a dig at James Cameron?

Nick [10:54]: Hard to believe that was the first tentacle-to-crotch shot in Sharktopus.

Nick to Noel [10:55]: I was with you the whole way. Very nice current reference.

Noel [10:59]: I’m going to do a mash-up of the Sharktopus theme with the Teen Titans theme song and then make it my ringtone.

Nick [10:59]: Oh, Reporter Lady. Don’t you know you shouldn’t break off from the protagonists?

Noel [11:02]: Oh! That’s what’s been bothering me! Flynn looks like a younger Helo!

Nick [11:02]: Andy probably could’ve killed sharktopus with his inguinal ligaments alone.

Noel [11:03]: It’s PUMPKIN you nitwit.

—

Nick to Noel: Well, did Sharktopus live up to the hype?

Noel to Nick: I admit to being a little disappointed due to the lack of 80s pop starlets.

Nick to Noel: It’s true. The reporter should’ve been played by the girl that played Vicki in Small Wonder.

Noel to Nick: Your command of 80s programming astounds me sometimes.