Monsters of Television

Here at Monsters of Television we value one trait above all else: snark. Sure, we have to be able to write intelligently and put TV shows in academic and societal contexts, but why do it if you’re not going to be witty about it? So in tribute to both television and snark, I have compiled a list of 10 of the snarkiest, wittiest characters on television. I’m including pictures and videos for all of you out there who don’t read so good. See? Snark. Here we go.

#10: Roman DeBeers (Martin Starr) – Party Down

“Fucking can’t act creature from the no talent lagoon.”

Nerds love a lot of things. Hardcore sci-fi. Princess Leia. Putting other people down. Being superior is a huge turn on for the Klingon enthusiasts and Roman takes every possible opportunity to make his catering co-workers feel like idiots. Starr plays the role with a great mix of elitism and rage. It’s hard being the smartest person in your group, isn’t it? (I would know.)

Roman just can’t get through to these people

#9: Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin) – 30 Rock

“I’ll make this company profitable so fast the only headline will be ‘Donaghy saves GE comma marries your mom’.”

Backwards complimenting at its finest. Jack Donaghy has a way of tearing you down and pointing out all the reasons your life sucks and his is awesome in a smooth, sexy voice. And that’s when he likes you. Get him angry and he will rant on and on. Anything from your hair to your mother is fair game. Talk about business or politics and then you have a real show on your hands.

Jack’s quips are mostly targeted at poor Liz Lemon

#8: Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry) – Friends

“No you didn’t get me! It’s an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!”

Could there be a more appropriate person for this list? Would we have snark if not for him? Are you getting it? I’m doing the Chandler inflection in type. Shut up, it’s hard. Chandler’s claim to fame amongst the Friends cast was his hilarious ability to put everyone down,  most humorously himself. Low self esteem, high humor. It’s become a trademark of Perry’s throughout most of his career. No complaints here.

Bing Bing Bing!

#7: Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) – Community

“Annie said that Benjamin Button was compelling. Look, she’s a smart girl but sometimes she’s just wrong.”

Joel McHale made a career of making snarky comments about celebrities and reality TV on The Soup and now he’s brought that same sarcastic demeanor to Community‘s Jeff Winger. Put a fast-talking ex-lawyer in a place he doesn’t want to be with people he doesn’t like and he’s going to have a field day. He’s like a young Jack Donaghy. Throw in a veritable encyclopedia of pop culture knowledge and you have the makings of Supreme Court level snark.

Snark is killer with the ladies

#6: James “Sawyer” Ford (Josh Holloway) – LOST

“Wanna stay here in crazytown or help me rescue the geek?”

What an asshole. But what a lovable asshole. Sawyer is always the one with a smartass remark ready to go for any plan, idea or thought that anyone has. He’s also got a gigantic catalog of nicknames for all the other characters. But there’s something about the way he belittles you or calls you a demeaning name that makes it impossible to stay mad at him for too long. Maybe it’s the charm or the southern accent. Or maybe it’s just because it’s really funny.

Son of a bitch!

#5: Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons) – The Big Bang Theory

“I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.”

The deadpan delivery of Sheldon’s snark is unrivaled. He doesn’t like people. And he’ll tell them. He is smarter than you are. And he’ll tell you. This know-it-all scientist has no problem speaking his mind. And boy is there a lot on it. He even has his own snarky catchphrase: Bazinga! It’s a crime Jim Parsons hasn’t won an Emmy yet, though he has been nominated. Perhaps this is his year.

Bazinga!

#4: Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) – Gossip Girl

“Brown doesn’t offer degrees in slut.”

Whoever said girls can’t be funny was dead wrong. Sure Blair’s humor may come from being mean and catty and downright diabolical, but it’s still funny. It’s easy to pick at people with your nose turned up so high and Blair does it with style like no other. The B in Queen B isn’t just for Blair, it’s for bitch.

Hail to the Queen

#3: Dr. Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) – House M.D.

“Dude, she’s in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?”

One needs a sense of humor when dealing with sick and dying people all the time. House has taken that to the next level. This man has perfected the snarky one-liner. From crude remarks about Cuddy’s cleavage to inappropriate musings on the love lives of his team, House is always giving out tough pills to swallow.

Dose of House-isms

#2: Dr. Perry Cox (John C. McGinley) – Scrubs

“What? And miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life.”

Another very angry, very snarky doctor. Dr. Cox’s specialty lies in the rant. Dr. Cox’s rants are so often and so full of hate and so gosh-darn funny it’s hard to pick out favorites. He throws in nice touches too like little laughs and whistles. It’s hard to know sometimes whether to laugh or to be frightened.

Right here, newbie.

#1: Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) – Veronica Mars

“No, because saving your ass with comment…it just…it works better for me.”

And here she is: our winner! The award for TV’s snarkiest character goes to the smartass high school private detective. Part of Veoronica’s charm is that she always has something to say, whether she’s solving your case or proving you’re a criminal. She matches wits with law officials and murderers and always does it with an adorable smile on her face. There are just too man gems to choose from. Like this one. Or this one. Just go watch the show! In addition to being the snarkiest show around, it’s a hell of a great new age noir and an entertaining teen drama to boot! Certainly one of the greatest “before it’s time” losses of TV history. Hmm… methinks I have another Top 10 list idea…

Maybe this one.

And there you have it, friends. TV’s 10 snarkiest characters. I could only put 10 but television has some great wit out there so of course there may be some I left out. A few honorable mentions go to…well there are enough honorable mentions to make a whole new list! So, sound off. Any of your faves make the list? Who do you think is the snarkiest character on television? Completely disagree with any of my picks? Hit those comments, but please make them snarky or else I probably won’t read them.