Monsters of Television

“Whatever created this planet is about to wipe it out.”

How dare those soldiers touch Castiel!

Stonehenge Apocalypse was probably conceived of as actually someone’s insane Lost theory before they knew about the Magical Glowy Cave. And instead of posting it to a Lost fan forum, the writer decided to turn it into a Syfy Original Movie. As you do.

But it’s also a meditation on environmental extremism, why scientists shouldn’t wear shorts, and OMGZISTHATMISHACOLLINSSQUEEE! *dies*

(And Noel, it turns out, doesn’t know that Salem is in Massachusetts.)

Noel [9:00]: So, as per Maureen Ryan’s deferral, we begin our live tweet of  Stonehenge Apocalypse. With that guy from Supernatural.

Noel [9:01]: Is that the guy from CSI: NY?! Good grief. Gary Sinse is going to be pissed he’s moonlighting.

Nick [9:03]: Hieroglyphics, a magical ankh, magnetic power source. Where’s the donkey wheel? (You know what we’re referencing.)

Noel [9:04]: That is a really impressive turntable or centrifuge.

Noel [9:05]: An electro-magnetic burst, you say? Gee. Maybe someone forgot to push the button.

Nick [9:06]: “It was a robot head.” Ha.

Noel [9:06]: So we’re demolishing radio, but amateur radio thrives. Is he going to podcast this later?

Noel  to Nick [9:08]: And the guy’s name is Jacob?! … I think Darlton have a valid lawsuit at this point.

Noel [9:10]: Hey! It’s Methos, too! Wow. Stonehenge Apocalypse spent its budget on solid acting! Kind of impressed.

Nick [9:10]: Are the troops carrying automatic weapons? Is the artillery really necessary for the world’s oldest static ball?

Noel [9:12]: Syfy films are so nostalgic: The Russians are ALWAYS overly concerned in them.

Nick [9:13]: “Blockades in place?” “Yessir, ‘cept for the old road that leads right to Stone Henge.” “Well put up a sign then.”

Noel [9:16]: Time for the patented Syfy shaky and tilty camerawork!

Noel [9:17]: Due to the location and the special effects, I keep waiting for a blue policebox to appear.

Nick [9:17]: The electricity special effects totally make me think Kelly LeBrock is going to appear in the center of Stonehenge Apocalypse

Noel [9:23]: It probably is a wizard, Methos. It’s almost always a wizard.

Nick [9:25]: Why does their map look like it was done in fingerpaint on construction paper?

Noel [9:25]: This music is very intense. I keep waiting for something to happen, but then nothing does.

Nick [9:26]: I want the middle rock to be a mummy sarcophagus so bad.

Nick [9:27]: So the “take me to your leader” schtick never works. Unless you’re Sawyer.

Noel [9:29]: Ooo. A ticking clock! A deadline! Yay! The writers passed Screenwriting I!

Nick [9:30]: I can’t trust anything the curly-headed scientist says as long as he’s wearing shorts. It’s just unprofessional.

Noel [9:32]: Wouldn’t a place of significant power in Maine be, well, Salem? Witches. Makes sense.

Nick to Noel [9:34]: Salem, Massachusetts.

Noel to Nick [9:35]: I fail American history and geography. Shameful.

Noel [9:40]: They are missing a prime chance for Robert Patrick to order around everyone.

Noel [9:41]: Also why is there a US general at Stonehenge? Shouldn’t it be, I don’t know, SOMEONE WITH JURISDICTION?

Nick [9:41]: Bets on everything being zapped in this world being taken to an alternate timeline?

Noel to Nick [9:43]: It was a non-denominational heaven! Not an alternate timeline. Duh.

Noel [9:47]: Shouldn’t they be calling Warehouse 13 for this? Synergy, people! Why must I think of everything?!

Nick [9:49]: Did some Indonesian ruins just turn into a Transformer?

Noel [9:51]: So, clearly, Frankenstein’s creature decided to rest in Stonehenge, and he’s hitting snooze. A lot.

Noel [9:54]: “A global military response.” How does that work, exactly…? We have a (secret) global military…?

Noel [9:55]: Maybe they’re the ones who helped cover up the robot head on the moon.

Nick [9:59]: “No one tried to stop them. They were all too dizzy from the spinning shot around the Jeep.”

Nick [10:02]: Of course this thing is going to save the world. It calls Dr Xavier.

Noel [10:04]: Wow. Can CSI:NY guy teleport? Also: Worst. Museum. Evar.

Noel [10:06]: “Where’s your humanity?” It went out the window when he became crazy scientist New-Gaia guy.

Nick [10:13]: When coming up w/ suspects for the mole, I’d go with the ginger. You can’t trust a scientist in shorts.

Noel [10:14]: Hasn’t that General been here for a while now? Did no one fill him in on the map grid thingy? Demote him!

Noel to Nick [10:15]: It’s true. Or when said scientist is played by Wayne Knight. He’s always evil.

Noel [10:17]: That is an unnecessarily large phone. What is this, really? A S1 X-Files episode?

Nick [10:18]: Why does the British scientist hit the emphasis on Stone Henge like there are several other henges?

Noel [10:19]: CSI guy got himself a sizeable following pretty quickly. Craigslist have a Cult Member listing?

Nick [10:24]: Maine Tourism Board: “Thank God. Pyramid Sanctuary is WAY easier to promote than puffin watching.”

Noel to Nick [10:26]: I’m so confused about locations in this show. And how time works. Are some of them in Maine?

Nick to Noel [10:28]: Primordial hill is in Maine. Time, however, is a man-made construct our robot-head overlords can shirk.

Nick [10:29]: Man, electromagnetically-sealed pyramid sanctuaries. How do they f***ing work?

Noel [10:32]: You can tell how dire things are the more clothes Methos removes. When the vest comes off, the end is nigh!

Nick [10:35]: Jacob! Sit on his chest and hit him in the face! It’s your Lost destiny!

Nick [10:43]: I still think the scientist in short pants is behind all of this somehow.

Noel [10:43]: I really am starting to think that Peter Wingfield is immortal. He looks exactly the same!

Nick [10:44]: “So I give you my secret decoder ring as a symbol of my professional gratitude.”

Nick [10:47]: THE SCIENTIST IN SHORT PANTS IS A BAD GUY! I KNEW IT!

Noel to Nick [10:47]: IT WAS THE SCIENTISTS IN THE SHORTS! Well done!

Nick to Noel [10:50]: Also, vest is off. Should’ve known it was about to hit the fan.

Noel [10:50]: So, really,  Stonehenge Apocalypse boils down to a critique of environmental extremism. A really silly one. But still.

Nick [10:51]: Funniest moment of the evening: watching the guy in shorts T-1000 after Jacob in the Jeep.

Nick [10:53]: So Short Pants put 5 total in scientists, and several at Jacob. No reload. Must be using Stonehenge Apocalypse cheat code.

Noel [10:56]: So Jacob is really Desmond: able to survive massive amounts of EM? Jacob real fail safe!

Nick [10:57]: Fear the ominous ankle sock of Short Pants!

Noel: [10:57]: “IT WAS A ROBOT HEAD!”

Noel [10:58]: Oh, so it wasn’t Lost or X-Files. It was Cocoon!

Nick [11:03]: Regret of the night: not being quick enough to make a Chopper Dave joke when Stonehenge Apocalypse took the helicopter.

Special thanks to Maureen Ryan for her shout-out during the live tweet, and we dedicate this live tweet to her.