Monsters of Television

“Join us. We fight witches.”

You see the guy with the shoulder cod piece? He’s the king.

Among the Originals featuring dudes bicycle kicking giant, building-smashing piranhas and sharks with the pinpoint accuracy needed to fly out of the water and eat a plane out of mid-air, there’s a different breed of movie that sits on the sci-fi/fantasy genre spectrum somewhere left of campy and dipping into the region of legitimate genre piece.

Witchville sits in that spot. Though it kind of reads like someone wrote down a Red-Bull-fueled late-night session of D&D and doesn’t feature award-aspiring actors like Tiffany or Eric Balfour, Witchville somehow was harder to poke fun at. And that had absolutely nothing to do with writer Amy Krell keeping a watchful eye over our tweets. No, my friend, above all things we have our snark-driven “journalistic” integrity to keep in tact.

However: be prepared for some pretty shameless nerd references on our part. Our dork was showing all night.

Noel [8:51]: Seriously tempted just to mock Luke Goss the entire time, just to annoy all the Luke Goss fans watching tonight.

Noel [9:02]: The name of his sword is Buzzkill.

Nick [9:04]: Dollars to donuts that the only dude with hair dies at some point.

Nick [9:05]: Does the giant goat head on his shoulder ever get in the way?

Noel to Nick [9:06]: The ladies love the goat head. He never takes it off.

Nick [9:07]: Ha ha — gotcha, sucker. No more boozin’ and whorin’ for you. Well, at least none in a non-regal capacity.

Nick [9:09]: Beating up the village — not the greatest PR move.

Noel [9:09]: Oh noes! We’re attacked by LARPers! Quickly! Roll for initiative!

Nick [9:10]: Desmond?

Nick [9:11]: It’s the cutest trick ever!

Noel [9:12]: I will say that Syfy has spared little expense with set design, costuming, and special effects so far.

Nick [9:15]: Son of a witch! No, really. He’s probably the son of a witch.

Noel [9:16]: Kramer, the name, is of Dutch/German and/or Jewish origin. I don’t think Kramer here is any of those.

Noel [9:17]: Oh. This is The Crucible, but with way more action! Awesome!

Noel to Nick [9:19]: Another relative of the Smoke Monster! I hope Titus Welliver is getting royalties.

Nick [9:19]: “And she’s got my meat!” “That’s what he said!” “This is not the time!”

Nick [9:20]: Can’t find food but these villagers are quick on their execution plan.

Noel to Nick [9:21]: Witch just tastes better when you roast it yourself.

Noel [9:22]: It’s raining blood! Well this certainly makes more sense than when it rained frogs while we all sang an Aimee Mann song.

Nick [9:24]: Did anyone else think it was weird that his first instinct when a giant dollup of thick crimson hit him was to lick it?

Nick to Noel [9:25]: Mmm … Witches Foster.

Nick [9:29]: Assassin’s Creed product placement?

Noel [9:30]: Is the crow/raven witch a preview for what to expect for the Syfy Red Riding Hood with Felicia Day?

Nick [9:32]: “Join us. We fight witches. And we make jam. But for now, just the witches thing.”

Noel [9:34]: “3 random Asian Monks have joined your party!” http://is.gd/cl9sL

Nick [9:34]: Forest assassins have joined your party.

Noel to Nick [9:35]: That was just sad. For both of us.

Noel [9:38]: So Kramer has a decent weapon and can use magic. But he’s not dressed like a Red Mage.

Nick [9:39]: If Kramer has so many awesome toys, why’s he such a wuss?

Noel to Nick [9:41]: Red mages can only equip certain armors. He’s best in the back row between the magic and the long-distance weapon.

Nick [9:45]: Man, does everyone have to use autotune?

Nick [9:48]: Oh, it must be time for an action beat.

Noel [9:50]: Clearly intended to be a backdoor pilot, but doesn’t fit Syfy’s original programming aims at the moment.

Nick [9:58]: Wait! No one is wearing a hat. How can they turn on the switch?

Nick [10:01]: That’s the thing about witches here. You can’t tell who’s a witch because they’re not carrying wands.

Noel to Nick [10:04]: Well, you were almost right. Maybe you’ll still be right about the youngest brother.

Nick [10:04]: Apparently metal bestial shoulder-covers are this world’s yamaka.

Noel to Nick [10:05]: There it is. And is Goss’ character not aware he just lost both his brothers?

Nick [10:06]: “We have unleashed hell.” “You’re right. Time to level grind.”

Noel [10:11]: How dare he call Ursa a hag!

Noel [10:14]: I think the first problem for that kingdom is that there seems to be only 1 woman in it.

Nick [10:17]: Just once I’d like the magic words to kill the enemy would be something simple like, “Die, Witch!”

Nick [10:26]: Parkour!

Noel [10:27]: No fair, casting Ultima that early in the battle.

Nick [10:28]: Just like a forest monk to bring a sword to a freeze ray thing fight.

Noel [10:29]: I’m starting to think that guy just likes getting chained up.

Noel [10:30]: And fangirls everywhere swoon and squee at Goss’ shirtless, sweaty chest.

Nick to Noel [10:31]: They really greased him up for this, didn’t they?

Noel to Nick [10:31]: Looks like you had the wrong son of a witch.

Noel [10:33]: Man. Another abject mother? Frustrating.

Nick to Noel [10:38]: Nah, I meant Malachi. Off-topic: did you find the “triumvirate” a little weird. Mind, body, and soul? Gross, dude.

Noel to Nick [10:39]: Abject maternal figures are always like that. It’s their bread and butter. Always a desire to cling to their children.

Nick [10:40]: “Where is that book purple monkey dishwasher.”

Nick [10:41]: I might actually watch a show based around Jozefa.

Noel to Nick [10:43]: Agreed. Clearly the most interesting potential character here, esp. for her own series.

Noel [10:46]: “NO MORE WIRE WANDS! NO MORE WIRE WANDS!”

Nick [10:48]: You know, for a dude whose chest looks like funnel cake, Jozefa’s love interest [Jason] moves around pretty good.

Noel to Nick [10:51]: The woman playing Jozefa was in one my least favorite Doctor Who episodes. May have to go back and rewatch.

Nick [10:53]: K[obr]a Kai

Nick to Noel [11:00]: What’d you think?

Noel to Nick [11:02]: I thought it was OK. Suffers from the same issue all the Syfy Originals do: pacing issues.

Nick to Noel [11:13]: Felt the same. Did really dig Jozefa. Glad they left room for a spin-off.

You can read the interview with star Sarah Douglas and director Pearry Teo that Noel participated in here.