Monsters of Television

“It wasn’t an explosion. It wasn’t a terrorist. It was a giant piranha.”

All those jazzercise classes finally came in handy.

So I’m pretty sure, post-Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, some people sat in a room and had a discussion similar to this:

“All right, guys, Mega Shark was a smash but we need a new picture. What is worse than a Mega Shark?”
“Ultra Shark?”
“I like where your head is at but let’s think a little outside the box.”
“Omega Shark? Last shark alive?”
“How is that dangerous?”
“Get Charlton Heston to play the shark?”
“Next.”
“What about TWO Mega Sharks?”
” — Go on.”
“That’s all I have.”
“Very good. Let’s expand on this ‘two Mega Sharks’ idea.”
“2.”
“No. 6.”
“No! 12.”
“Baker’s dozen!”
“What if there’s was a whole school of them getting bigger and meaner, like, like, that fish in the Amazon with the teeth and the eating?”
“Piranha.”
“Right right right. And make them eat submarines and destroyers and buildings!”
“Buildings?”
“Yeah. And people.”
“Don’t forget to include my flimsy geopolitical storyline!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. And they eat a helicopter!”
“Yes. I like it. I think we have a winner here. Get Tiffany on the phone.”

Enlightening. Noel and I live-tweeted the premiere of Mega Piranha and you can read all our time-stamped wit and snark after the jump!.

Noel [8:59]: Going to go ahead & get this out of the way: Tiffany’s breast implants can be used as floatation devices in an emergency.

Nick to Noel [9:00]: Glad you got that one out of the way.

Nick [9:01]: “No, you go in. I’m going to have a sandwich.”

Noel [9:02]: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Nick [9:02]: I love that Tiffany is still sans-surname. Maybe she can do a Mega Piranha mall tour.

Nick: [9:03]: Not even five minutes in and we’re already reusing shots and graphics? Come on, Mega Piranha

Noel [9:03]: Why do we need these chyrons for the people who are going to die? Also, who is still worried about communism?

Noel [9:05]: They’re actually Mega Termites.

Nick [9:06]: Bobby Brady plays Bob Grady?

Nick [9:07]:  Oh, it’s Greg Brady. But close enough, right?

Noel [9:07]: So the Mega Piranha are metaphorical terrorists?

Noel [9:08]: If you close your eyes, it’s nothing like listening to Judy Jetson.

Nick [9:09]: Yes. Let’s get all this pesky exposition out of the way and get right to the mega piranha killin’ spree.

Noel [9:10]: If I gesture more, it helps it look like I’m acting! I learned that from Meisner! Peter Meisner. Not Sanford Meisner.

Nick to Noel [9:11]: “Lady, I know you’re speakin’ English, but all I hear is ‘Eep op oop ah ah!'”

Noel [9:14]: All Tiffany wants is money. Well, she is in Mega Piranha, isn’t she?

Nick [9:19]: I wonder if they actually have auditions for the Syfy Originals or if they’re like, “Dude, you know who’d be great in Mega Piranha?”

Noel [9:19]: Uh-oh. He put on the tight tee-shirt. Those #MegaPiranha are toast!

Nick [9:20]: Dude really cares about breast cancer research. He’s wearing the ribbon.

Noel [9:24]: Amusingly, they think there’s a huge time difference between Venezuela and DC. There’s not.

Nick [9:24]: Dude knifes people in Call of Duty all the time, too. Show off.

Nick [9:26]: The whole post-fight scene looked like it was directed by Wes Anderson.

Noel to Nick [9:27]: But missing the French indie pop music. Which would’ve improved the scene.

Noel to Nick [9:28]: …OMG. Wes Anderson needs to direct a Syfy Original!

Noel [9:33]: The exposition is moving really quickly. Significantly brisker than Sea Snakes. Thank goodness.

Nick [9:35]: I think Ayudante is like Dogen from Lost — he understands English but finds speaking it — distasteful.

Noel [9:37]: It’s like shooting fish in the Amazon!

Noel [9:38]: I love all the wooshy smash cuts! It makes everything seem like a Michael Bay student film.

Nick [9:40]: Do we really need all this other stuff. I didn’t come here for geopolitical friction. I came to see mega piranha smash stuff.

Noel [9:42]: What does Diaz do in the jungle? Play Colonel Kurtz?

Noel [9:43]: Debbie Gibson would not have allow all these people to die, Tiffany. I’m just sayin’.

Nick to Noel [9:46]: And she has a MegaShark AND a Giant Octopus to contend with.

Noel [9:50]: You know, I think a Frog Suit (http://www.mariowiki.com/Frog_Suit) would really help here.

Nick [9:50]: Portly lab assistant, I think I love you the best.

Nick to Noel [9:52]: This movie would be way better if the mega piranha were Mega Cheep Cheeps.

Noel to Nick [9:54]: Mega Cheep Cheep VS Giant Blooper!

Nick [9:55]: Once again, who is helping SyFy’s creature of the week kill everything? The Smoke Monster.

Noel [9:56]: Skinny lab assistant has a tendency toward the obvious.

Nick [9:57]: Yes! Bicycle kick of death!

Noel [9:57]: That dude is Guile! I bet he can launch Sonic Booms, too!

Nick [9:59]: Goodbye, portly lab assistant. We hardly knew ye.

Noel [10:01]: I can’t decide if Tiffany was talking about the mega piranha or the record labels that won’t rep her when she said she wanted to kill.

Noel [10:03]: So, in theory, we could have a mega piranha that is the size of the Earth…?

Nick [10:03]: Skinny lab assistant was able to come across all that by writing on the back of a reciept?

Noel [10:06]: Tiffany’s good at making herself invisible. She’s had lots of practice!

Nick [10:06]: Please, mega piranha — eat that chopper.

Nick [10:08]: “It just got real.” French Connection has nothing on this car chase.

Noel [10:08]: Well, Fitch’s favorite movie is Bad Boys II.

Nick [10:10]: Apparently, Colonel Diaz has spent time with the poorly stereotyped Latin gangs of LA.

Nick [10:11]: Who the heck is Saint Harper?

Noel [10:11]: “Quick! Hide behind this very thin tree! It will protect us from the mega piranha and the missiles!”

Nick [10:16]: I was really hoping the big mega piranha would jump over that little land bridge like Free Willy.

Noel [10:17]: WHAT GOOD IS YOUR SCIENCE NOW, TIFFANY?!

Nick [10:24]: The helicopters look like they’re from a Monty Python sketch.

Noel [10:27]: Did Tiffany just invent a nitro for helicopters? I smell the next iteration of Fast and Furious!

Nick [10:28]: I think this is the first sequence in the movie not shot on a steady-cam.

Noel [10:30]: I love how nearly every Syfy movie has a sub of some sort. Gotta get the most out of that set.

Noel [10:32]: I love how that mega piranha shook off the nuclear attack. Literally shook it off. Priceless.

Noel [10:33]: Greg Brady is very disappointed in you. In all of you!

Nick [10:34]: Vulnerability of every Syfy creature: “Poke ’em in the eye!”

Noel [10:35]: And the alternative is….living…?

Noel [10:41]: Why is skinny lab assistant going with the Navy SEALS?

Noel [10:42]: Oh, the sexual tension between Fitch and Tiffany. Even a mega piranha couldn’t chew through it.

Nick [10:42]: Why are the mega piranha heading straight for the US? No time to hit up Sandals Jamaica?

Noel [10:46]: Don’t the fish die once they jump out of the water….?

Noel [10:49]: What do they need cover fire for? The mega piranha seem in no way concerned about the divers.

Noel [10:50]: …HOLY HELL! Flare into a mouth = Head ‘asplode!

Noel [10:58]: So they tear through a battleship, but it takes forever for them to devour one of their own? Those scales are mithril.

Noel [10:58]: I’m sorry….how did they win, exactly…?

Nick [10:59]: Well, Skinny Lab Assistant. The SciFi gods smiled upon you today. You lived despite your red shirt. Live on, beta male.

Nick [11:00]: Seriously, I think this is the first SyFy Original in a long time that the protagonists actually got together.