Monsters of Television

“I took on three guys in college once.”

Everybody loves Wilson.

The Renaissance Faire? Don’t they know LARPing is way funnier?

Seasons on House have always been the same for me: you look forward to the season finales and premieres and pray they have the inspiration to do something outside the box in-between. Remember the end of Season 4 when they have to save Amber? Or “Locked In” with patient perspective? Or even the Wilson and Cuddy episodes from this season (though I thought both could be better)? It’s why I continue watching. The show could break out at any moment.

This week contained none of those moments. In a show that people appreciate for its formula, somehow, the predictability was snore-inducing. Even the bump at the beginning was snoreable (ha! I’m hilarious!).

The How the Patient Got There bump didn’t even offer any twists or turns. In recent weeks, they’ve been staunchly dedicated to the reversal, so much so that I’ve come to expect that the person we’re first introduced to cannot possibly be the actual patient. So maybe that is a twist? Because I’ve been lulled to expect the red herring? Or maybe they just gave up on trying to fool everyone and said, “We got nothin’.” The Queen at the Renaissance Faire is to pick a champion for the duel and she chooses Sir William, a goofy-looking knight if I ever saw one. He fights the King’s black knight, wins, and falls ill. You know immediately all the stakes in this episode: the Queen is not so much into the King and Sir William is the object of her affection, and she is his. But you think they’ve actually done something and are having an affair but, sadly, it’s terribly less interesting.

Again, I have to bring up LARPing. It would’ve been a lot more timely. The Renaissance Faire is terribly overplayed as a source and LARPing would’ve added some interesting angles. I guess I’ll have to wait for Law & Order to tackle it in ten years after it falls from its Role Models-high. But it bugged me the whole time: why the Renaissance Faire?

Was it to justify William’s restraint? I hoped not. Thirteen spends her time the entire episode meddling, trying to get the kid to ask out his Queen, who, in real life, is marrying the King. He refuses, based on a Draconian sense of ethics keeping him noble.

Speaking of wimps with a Draconian sense of ethics, Wilson has a new girlfriend. And it’s Libby! This is the source for every drama that is not the A-story including static between House and Wilson, Cuddy and Wilson, and, ostensibly, House and the rest of the staff (since he tends to be angry about the division of Wilson’s attention). House tries everything to make it hard on the relationship, with some snorifying actions: bringing a transvestite date to a restaurant meet-up, making dinner at home only to tell Libby his intent to ruin the relationship. House being overprotective of Wilson is so overplayed that I hope that Libby brings some new twist to the relationship heretofore unseen. And, being this close to the end of the season, it may be possible. Otherwise, we just have another episode of sad House trying to ruin Wilson’s happiness. That’s a storyline that is so boring it makes me yawn just thinking about since it’s been done to death on this show.

Back with the patient, he presents more symptoms, they try to fix it, it doesn’t work, he presents more symptoms, ZzzZzzZzzZzz.

The Renaissance Faire still bugged me. Why that? Why not just make him an honorable guy? Why not make him overly-involved in some space show where he identifies with a race of noble aliens or something? Why not make him half-crazy? They try to when they inspect his apartment and it decorated with all sort of knight stuff and a giant (probably to scale) diorama of a medieval castle being sieged. Okay, so he is totally into the Middle Ages. Then they find a secret room of witchcraft complete with the Necronomicon. Slightly interesting. So they talk about the potions he might be using. Which leads them back to Renaissance Faire to find the apothecary.

Well, it all makes sense now.

And, finally, I see the reason why they set this at a Renaissance Faire. House and Thirteen investigate in period clothing, Olivia Wilde in a corset with cleavage all day. They wanted an opportunity for her to show her chest. I can get on board with that. Just seems so roundabout. Why not just write in a shower scene?

Turns out the apothecary is an idiot and sold the King hemlock instead of wild carrots to administer to knights in his Fear Factor-like games the night before battles. But it’s not what’s killing him. I could go into more detail but it’s probably right around here that I fell asleep again so I’ll just tell you what’s up.

Lucas drops off some confidential information on Libby (always appreciate him in a non-competitive capacity) and Libby stops by before House can open it. They discuss their mutual interest in Wilson’s happiness and Libby insists House give them a chance to see if she and Wilson can make it work. Somehow, this gives House the revelation he needs to realize the patient is taking metabolic steroids. I’m usually pretty good about seeing the connections during the revelation period of the show but this one I’m still trying to wrap my head around. The writing seems really lazy, like because House often has his revelations with Wilson, any extension of Wilson will also provide those revelations just by mere presence. I’m willing to learn if you have the answer but it seemed really unprompted to me.

So the kid’s a juicer, willing to compromise his ideals for battle but not in love. Thirteen, yes, that Thirteen who is famously self-destructive and dates by convenience, is the one to call him out on it and offers him some cliché advice. Sir William babbles on about how the Queen and King will be happy together because the King is better off. Thirteen calls him an idiot.

Later that night, House goes to open the confidential file Lucas dropped off earlier but throws it in the trash can instead (so that anyone else can read it if they wanted to). Instead, he takes his Advil and calls it a night. The only thing of value from this episode is that House’s pain has been coming back and starting to affect some of his decision-making. Probably more important in later episodes (can we hope for a relapse season finale?) but, for now, a minor detail.

So sleepy now.