Monsters of Television

If these be the idols we must choose from, what failed gods we have.

Flat voices. Dearth of presence. Wannabes. And the most uncomfortable performance of a song I’ve seen since an elementary school recital. These are the jokers we have to choose from. Well, you have to choose from. I can’t in good conscience waste one of my unlimited text messages to vote for one of these saps. Sure, it would cost me nothing but the inconsequential tax my SMS message would put on the T-Mobile phone system is too much to submit for some of these people. I mean, that poor kid was squeezing the life out of that microphone.

I’m not used to this show, but I’m told this isn’t typical for being this late in the competition. One contestant after another bringing a sad sack performance to the fore, trying to hit falsetti they don’t have, awkwardly moving around stage with their favorite rock stars’ moves, making me cringe the entire time between commercial breaks. Seriously, seeing another ad for Sons of Tucson was sweet, sweet relief. I love you, Sock.

And even with all the terrible, boring, and/or warbling performances, the worst part was the audience taking the time to boo the judges for honestly telling the performers how weak they were. Okay, I say judges. I mean they were booing Simon. I think, with so many seasons of Simon being the bad guy (something the guy seems to embrace), it’s easy for American Idol-watching veterans to dismiss his opinion, despite his usually being the most reasonable (if articulated with enough venom to amuse himself). But to take the effort to actually boo him in public? I really hope they had some Jerry Springer producers on the side goading them on or something because the alternative is just too sad. Maybe it’s a game by now. Maybe it’s a tradition to boo the Big Bad Simon during these performances. Not sure that makes it any less pathetic. They didn’t boo anyone for agreeing with him. And what about the judges saying, “I actually agree with Simon.” Like Simon is some curmudgeon they wheel on set with no credentials beyond the virulent elocution of outlandish opinions. They treat him like he just said, “I believe fire is magic and it scares me a lot.” Like what he’s saying is so insanely angry and off-the-wall, it needs a qualifier in order for someone to agree.

Yes, that fire bit is also The State.

I came into tonight’s episode a little late but was finally pleased to see Ellen get a crack in during this thing with Formerly Shirtless Guy. I imagine when they brought Ellen on as a judge they weren’t looking for a woman that would comment on how cute the contestants were and their viability with the “girls” voting. I figure they brought her on because she is a fan of music and has a rich history of quick-witted comedy. Instead we get a lesser, overly complimentary version of her. But maybe that’s just because she’s a nice person and doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of contestants so out of their league.

Finally, an appeal to the American public: don’t vote for these people. Do you remember a while back when Diddy had that reality show and he essentially said no one on the show had what it takes and held more auditions? Demand that. Maybe everyone in the performers’ pool had an off-day on the same night but, as it stands, I don’t want to hear any of these jerks belt out overproduced numbers for the next year and a half on the grocery store satellite radio. Demand better.