Monsters of Television

Wilson: “She no longer thinks we’re gay. Now she thinks we’re mendacious dirtbags.”
House: “Mendacious dirtbag does come much more naturally to me.”

“I’m really glad that worked on zero evidence. Otherwise, how stupid would I have looked? Pret-ty stupid.”

Drug deal in a wet, dilapidated parking garage at night. Four guys standing around the back end of an SUV with bricks of something-er-other neatly packaged in the back. I know there’s an air of privacy that needs to be maintained for these kinds of things but, one day, I’d like to see someone do a drug deal in a nice park during the day. Maybe that’s how they came up with Weeds. Anyway, roles of the four men are soon revealed: Seller, Buyer, Henchman with a Gun (for the buyer), and The Patient (technically at this point he’s Henchman without a Gun but let’s just cut the sheepdip and name him what he is to this episode). Some tough negotiating leads to Henchman with a Gun to pull his piece, demanding respect for his boss. The Patient tries to wrestle the gun away from him, and Henchman ends up shooting himself in the foot but The Patient crumples to the ground, takes a lick to the skull from the asphalt. He has no other external injuries.

The Patient and the Seller go to the clinic instead of the ER to stitch up Patient’s head wound and House picks up on clues (no trauma, gun powder on his sleeve) that he has loud-noise-induced vertigo. How he proves it: when Patient tries to walk away, House slaps his cane against the bed and the Patient goes down like a Tennessee Scare Goat. And thus we have a new case.

Chase is sporting a new haircut (to which House asks if Cameron “got [his] hair in the divorce”), 13 is lookin’ foxy and spittin’ sass (as usual), and Talb — he’s Talb. Foreman finds a piece of paper on the ground and slips it into his pocket then announces the first Destined to Be Wrong Diagnosis that requires an ear test. House has a few other theories that revolve around the Patient’s line of work so he goes to question the Seller.

Meanwhile, Wilson is central to the B-Story: he finds out that people in their building think they’re gay. House points out the obvious: they are middle-aged single men living together. In a world with no recollection of Bosom Buddies, this all leads to a costume change short of being fabulous. House continues his interrogation but, sadly, Seller really has nothing but negative answers for him: Patient doesn’t touch the product. Meanwhile, after the C-Story begins (Foreman found 13’s paystub — on the ground? — and finds out she and Talb both make more than he does), the Patient suddenly convulses. Because the writers’ go-to crisis moment is seizure. Everyone has a seizure. You got epilepsy? You go into a seizure. You got the Bends? You go into a seizure. Your head’s come off? You go into a seizure.

All right, so the Destined to Fail Diagnosis didn’t work out. Now it’s time for Team House to come up with another plan. Foreman, however, is too focused on not making as much as the people he supervises. While the rest of the team tests one of 13’s theories, Foreman demands a raise from Cuddy. Cuddy says he has no leverage. Oops. House, in the meantime, is still trying to be Jack Bauer, planting a bug in the Patient’s room to see where his stash is (hoping to find it so they can test it for toxins — despite Seller saying he doesn’t touch the stuff). Bug doesn’t work out, Talb talks to Patient and Patient demands to be released. “I’ll get the forms.”

Patient driving along with 13 and Chase following but not abiding by the 30 Yard Tailing Rule (See Chuck vs The Sizzling Shrimp). Chase and 13 talk about how C-Story is a prank just before being pulled over for running a red light. House messes with the woman in 3B Wilson likes (the one that thinks they’re gay) by having her help him with his giant framed poster of A Chorus Line. Seems like a lot of expense to play out this prank but — if you’re going to be a bear, be a grizzly. Foreman and Talb are called into the ER because Patient is back with a 105 fever and nonsensical rants.

They’re off environmental. Some more medical jargon leads to a “mazel tov” to their prank on Foreman and needing a lombard puncture from Patient. Talb stabs him a bunch with the needle (something about flattened discs) and, despite being stabbed repeatedly, Patient’s heart rate never jumps. It gets curiouser for Team House.

Meanwhile, Wilson is flustered by House not convincing Nora (woman from 3B) that they’re straight. But House has a convoluted plan to get her naked AND keep the relationship no strings attached. Wilson is all about strings so he tries to convince House his plan won’t work. House, faced with the decision to not believe in himself, begs to disagree.

“I don’t know what you’re implying. This is just an old-fashioned carpet séance.”

Turns out Patient is popping pills to keep calm so he can continue doing bad things to good people. House and Chase come up with a diagnosis that’s also Doomed to Fail since we still have another half hour of show left. House leaves and initiates his plan with Dora, in full swing by the time Wilson gets home and finds a carpet picnic. And they go head to head over Nora. Yeah. This is going to end super for everyone.

While performing more tests on Patient, Foreman reveals to Talb that he’s leaving as soon as the case is over. Stakes seem to be dramatically high for a salary snub. What’s that smell? Is that the played-out aroma of a double-cross? Meanwhile, Wilson tries to convince Nora of House’s plan but, somehow, House, of course, made it bullet-proof.

House walks into headquarters and sees 13 manning House’s bug station while everyone else on the team is trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. Even though 13 managed to get the bug to work properly (figures House isn’t the “reading the instructions” type) there’s still a lot of feedback. House concludes that there must be another bug. And there is. Because Patient is a cop.

House has a lot of commercials breaks.

Patient doesn’t want to talk about where he goes or where he’s been so that his bust doesn’t get compromised. He needs to stay alive another 24 hours but it doesn’t look pretty. Team House needs to act fast. 13 gets Seller to take her to where Patient lives: in a dry cleaners. She takes samples but they turn up inconclusive (apparently it’s a “green” dry cleaner) and Patient is fading fast. Meanwhile, House continues his plan to get Nora by convincing her of the problems he and Wilson are having in their relationship over a candlelit dinner. But Wiley Wilson pulls out a trump card: arriving at the restaurant and proposing to House. Nora leaves. Opponents sit across from each other in silence.

Wilson has never looked this smug in the history of this show. It suits him.

House convinces Nora that he and Wilson are indeed straight. She finds them to be scum. Stasis is returned in the B-Story. The rest of Team House feels bad about the prank and tries to get Cuddy to give Foreman a raise, even at the cost of their own salaries. Cuddy has no idea what they’re talking about. Foreman bests them with a “who’s your daddy?” Stasis returned in the C-Story. Now for the A-Story. Aneurysms in Patient’s lungs are increasing. The conversation with Nora gives House a (relatively late) Realization of the Actual Diagnosis. Turns out there was nothing anyone could have done even if Patient hadn’t been withholding. With the bust about to commence, Patient is ready to call his wife. And so begins the montage cutting between Patient dying with his sobbing wife by his side and everyone being arrested in the plan he has been working on for 16 months.

“He died a hero in his own mind,” House remarks while watching a decidedly manly hockey game, poster for A Chorus Line in the background. There’s a predictable coda here so I’ll just leave that to your imagination.

All in a all, an episode of House. Always formulaic but, somehow, also always entertaining.

• See also: Medical Review of “The Down Low”
• Watch this episode: “The Down Low”