Monsters of Television

Morgan: “Look, all I’m saying is there has to be, what, 2 million ladies
in the City of Angels? They can’t all say no to us.”

My girlfriend has a giant crush on Jess Mariano. Every time he shows up on re-runs of Gilmore Girls (appearances far and few between now that ABC Family’s syndication is into the later seasons), she all but swoons for the leather-jacketed rebel of Stars Hollow. But she refuses to watch Heroes and is disgusted when she reads about him in Us Weekly (especially when he’s dating the considerably younger Hayden Panettiere). Her crush is on the character alone which works out for me since he’s fictional and can’t show up with Distillers tickets to whisk her away.

Sarah Walker does roughly the same for me (minus the near swoon — I keep my swoons to myself) and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. But never have I been so willing to watch a crush (in real life or television life) get with another dude.

“Not in front of the guys, love. I just shot a bloke in the face! Let me have my moment!”

“Chuck vs the Three Words” starts off with a Vinnie Jones that I didn’t even recognize until the middle of the episode (unrecognizable, as Noel says, with hair and a smile) smoking some dude for carrying a garish gold brief case (obviously the new Anonymous Object of Importance). He also gets all gushy with someone on the phone, playing that “me-too-don’t-make-me-say-I-love-you-in-front-of-the-guys” game. Cut to that night when our old friend Carina (Mini Anden) is having drinks with Sarah at “the club.” Carina wants to talk about Chuck. Sarah does not want to talk about Chuck, especially since she’s broken the “cardinal rule of spying” (as elicited by Roan Montgomery in Season 2: “never fall in love”). Meanwhile, Chuck and Morgan decide to leave their sparse bachelor pad to go out to the club (the exact same club Sarah and Carina are at — what are the odds?). Suddenly, Vinnie comes out of nowhere and starts fondling Carina (with his hands and with squishy pet names). Chuck flashes on Vinnie and tries to warn everyone that he’s a bad arms dealer man. Relax, Chuck. That’s just Carina’s fake fiancee and mark. And thus begins our mission.

The mission is to get the gold case during Carina and Vinnie’s engagement party from a highly secure area with lasers and opportunities for Chuck to use Intersect 2.0. But he can’t. Because he’s too emotional. So let the inopportune whining begin.

A much different experience than watching Buster’s hook hand on Lucille’s dress. “Zip me up!”

The problem with Chuck isn’t that there’s too much whining but that the whining always gets in the way of the missions. Chuck takes this to a stratospheric level at the engagement party, demanding he and Sarah find time to talk out their feelings in the middle of a covert operation. Nobody cares, Chuck. But then, as guest stars on this show are wont to do, Carina feeds it, telling him that Sarah’s cold to him because she loves him. Dang it, Carina. Someone didn’t read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie …

Sarah kills the Chuck’s attempts at squishy conversation so he can use the Intersect to give him ninja jumping powers around the lasers protecting the case. But, of course, Chuck screws that one up (but he was so close to pulling it off), getting himself locked in a vault filling with noxious gas. He takes the opportunity to say all the things he wants to say to Sarah while she’s too busy trying to spring him to listen. All she can hear are the three words he’s able to choke out before fainting from exposure to the gas: “I love you.” What’d you think the three words would be?

Carina has an offer on the table for Sarah to go to Saint-Tropez with her and Sarah tries to get the General to let her off the protect-Chuck hook. Beckman, of course, says no. Because why would you kill one of the storylines that keeps people coming back?

All this time, Morgan is planning a housewarming party so that he can invite Carina (under the watchful, instigating eyes of Jeff and Lester). Carina shows up at the Buy More, hounded by her fiancee that’s become hip to her game, and dumps the case on Morgan to give to Chuck. Morgan uses the face-to-face with the impossibly beautiful to invite her out in exchange for his delivery man role. Carina agrees and does, indeed, show up later, just with Vinnie and his henchmen in tow.

Morgan is offended by her showing up with her “boyfriend.” Jeff is more upset about her upsetting the men-to-women ratio (giving it “sausage party” status). Morgan tells her off, saying that he didn’t want her anyway (to which Carina replies to herself, “No one’s ever told me ‘no’ before”), giving Vinnie the gold case back. So now Vinnie has Carina and the case (d’oh!). In order to clear out the party goers for the impending firefight, Casey does his best impression of a curmudgeon neighbor (not much of a stretch) and hoses the party down. Everyone leaves except the parties interested in the case.

In case you’re not sure who Chuck is really talking about, the director has conveniently put Sarah into focus while he talks.

Suffice it to say that Chuck saves the day (even without the Intersect — you know, like the old days) with no good guy casualties. Vinnie is about to kill Carina for breaking his heart, to which Chuck responds with one of those good old speeches that could be about Vinnie and Carina but is really about Chuck and Sarah, emphasized by the obvious rack focus between the two of them while he speaks. Carina uses it as an opportunity to bust him up and take the case.

Later, Beckman gives them the orders to NOT open the case (in the event that Chuck might flash on it) and to keep it safe until the extraction team gets it. Then, in a rare cut to Beckman’s office, she pleads with some faceless dude playing with a Zippo named Shaul (the guy, not the Zippo) to let her warn “them” about “it” so they can be “prepared.” Intrigue.

Sarah decides to stay in Burbank and she and Chuck have a talk about their situation and how messy it is. It is messy. A good messy for now. It’s been off and on, hot and cold, for a while but never really as disastrous as it is now. Without Bryce or Cole or whatever other chiseled super-spy is waiting in the wings to romance Sarah (Noel edit: BRANDON ROUTH. OMG. SO DREAMY.), this baggage is good for them to work through. And with enough past moments for fans to make decent montages to neo-folk and still not get tired of the push and pull of the relationship, we probably have some good stuff to look forward to.

Oh, and one more thing: the little bearded man lands Carina! What the what? Only because he said “no” to her when no one else did? Fantastic.

Watch the episode: “Chuck vs The Three Words”